Your Shy Child: Not a Problem But a Personality

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Ever watched your child hesitate at the edge of the playground, eyeing the other kids but not quite joining in? Or maybe they cling to your leg like a lifeline on the first day of school? Let's talk about having a shy child!

Why? Because – as you'll have gathered from the website! – I hate medicalising normal things! Being shy is not a treatable anxiety condition! And shyness is really not a problem. There's a science behind being naturally shy.

What's up with shyness anyway?

First things first. Instead of shyness being a disorder or a condition that needs fixing, it's a personality trait, just like being outgoing or loving quiet reading moments. Some kids just are naturally more reserved, especially in new or unfamiliar situations.

This should give you confidence – because if you worry your child has a disorder, you'll communicate it to them and make things worse. They pick up on our feelings and emotions like white mats attract dirty shoes!

So – let's say your child has to go to a birthday party for a classmate they barely know. What do you notice? 

They hang back, observing the chaos of musical chairs and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey from a safe distance. That's totally okay! 

This cautious approach is just their way of navigating new social waters. They're shy, not mentally disordered.

It's a phase, not a life sentence, when you have a shy child

You know how kids go through phases like refusing to eat anything but chicken nuggets? Well, shyness can be a bit like that!

It's often a temporary reaction to new social settings, like I said. Maybe it's the first day of school, or a playdate where there are some kids they haven't met before. 

The point about it being a phase is that, as they get more familiar with their surroundings, shyness often starts to fade. Still a personality trait, but not a chronic problem.

Picture this: your child has just started a new school year. Were they super nervous about meeting their new teacher and classmates? Perhaps not – but you get the picture.

The first week might be a quiet one if they have a shy temperament. But as they get used to the routine and make some friends, you'll probably notice them coming out of their shell.

And as they get older and experience more situations for the first time, they'll grow in confidence and you'll be less worried. 

Being a shy child doesn't mean they're not a social butterfly

Why? Because being a shy child by nature doesn't mean your child can't be social or enjoy friendships. They might get a bit nervous or self-conscious all of a sudden in a new social setting, yes, but who doesn't? I know I do! The key is that this doesn't stop them from living their best "child life" in other arenas.

You just need to notice it's not all-encompassing, and then you won't worry about odd instances of being shy.

So – imagine your child has to give a presentation in class. They might be a bundle of nerves about that one thing. And maybe they won't make eye contact at first. But with a little practice – and your steady parental support! – they'll nail it. 

And what you'll probably notice as you come to pick them up later is that, despite those jitters about a presentation, they're playing happily with friends as they rush out of school. And the teacher would probably tell you they're still contributing in class. 

Being naturally on the shy-child side can coexist with being a friendly, warm playmate others love.

Coping strategies: the parental toolbox for a shy child

Many kids develop their own ways of dealing with shyness. For instance, they might

  • become great listeners (super valuable in a friendship group), 
  • find common interests with others (the usual progression) or 
  • always take smaller steps into new social situations until they get the measure of them (great tactic!). 

However, as parents, you can help by encouraging coping strategies and maybe even practising some role-playing at home to build their confidence.

Although natural shyness is different to social anxiety, you can find a number of great helping strategies on my social anxiety page. Have a look in case one of them helps your shy child find life a little easier. 

Your shy child doesn't have a problem. They have a personality you can cherish!

Shyness is a totally normal part of growing up and, for many kids, it's just a phase. But even if it's not, that's okay too. 

The most important thing is to support your child as they navigate the social jungle out there.

And hey, if you ever feel like shyness is really holding them back, there's no harm in seeking some professional advice. You can find out how to get a decent child therapist here. I think you'll recognise a red flag if it happens. Most parents do!

But remember, every child is unique, and that's what makes them so lovely. You just need to embrace their shyness without worrying about them, and help them shine in their own special way! Give it a go? 

Here's a book that's really good: Shy and Mighty by Nadia Finer. There's the shy bit and the mighty bit – for growing into your mighty bit without losing your shy personality. Brilliant. Deals with 7-9 year olds. This line near the beginning is absolutely great: "Any book that promises to "cure" you of your shyness should go straight in the bin."

shy and mighty excerpt page

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