Online content and anxiety: the link

UPDATE

A while ago, children who watched TikTok were being bombarded with stories that war was about to outbreak, that Russia would invade Sweden. 

They were suddenly asking their parents fearfully about what would happen. They were overcome with anxiety. Who wouldn't have been?

Well now it's not Sweden but Ukraine. And it's happened.

And now, in 2024, Russia is threatening nuclear satellites. The information will almost certainly reached our children's ears, even if we've not talked about it in front of them.

So who's feeding them what information, when and how? Mostly social media.

You know how it works because FB does the same sort of thing.

The algorithms in use by TikTok (a Chinese-owned platform) and US ones mean that if they watch one video, they'll be fed more. 

Note the word "fed". Their diet is becoming one of anxious wariness and dread – even as Europe and the US is drawn more and more into a dangerous situation with Russia.

Remember, however, that to counteract this, you don't need to find out who's doing it exactly. You just need to talk with your children about how algorithms work online in general.

You need to explain about disinformation and how it works ONLINE.

You should perhaps monitor exactly what they watch (subtly, of course!) so you're prepared with answers and can also limit it where necessary.

You'll also realise where their anxious questioning (about anything) may be coming from.

Read on to learn more about how all sorts of online content can make a child anxious and how you can help counteract this.

“Online content” is one of those tricky causes of anxiety.

Why?

Because you probably won’t immediately make the connection between your child’s anxiety and what they’re doing online.

I mean, it’s unlikely your younger child will voluntarily say: “I’ve been watching my brother/sister playing Grand Theft Auto and it’s so scary I can’t get to sleep.”

Even less likely is: "I posted a picture of my butt for Jo and they've shared it to everyone."

Younger children may never even make the connection between online content they’ve seen/heard/taken part in and their scared, anxious feelings.

online content2

So what's the link between online content and an anxious child?

I’m sure you know all the usual stuff about the dangers of some of the content you find online, so I’m mostly going to talk about the link with anxiety. Because the internet is a major cause of anxiety and depression in children these days.

Let’s see what it looks like.

I had a little client who told me I should watch Hollyoaks “because that’s where you see everything”. Indeed, they'd seen so many things aimed at the intended audience of 16-24 year olds that they couldn’t stop imitating some of the sexualised movements and poses while they were talking to me about being sad and unhappy. They were six. They were also unaware how their movements could come across to adults.

An eight year old was scared silly of an undead monster with a shrill scream they couldn’t get out of their heads. They hadn’t played the video game, but had seen their parent play it and could hear the scream even when in bed. First, in reality – and then in nightmares.

A slightly older child was having panic attacks because they’d posted a photo of themselves naked online in a messaging app and their friend had passed it around as a joke. I’m not sure they'd ever stopped to think how big and vast the unseen space of the internet is – but now they were panicking after realising the evidence could never be retrieved. 

The thing about the internet is we have little control over it once we've put ourselves out there.

And the thing about these incidents is that they've caused cybertrauma: online psychological damage that seems life-threatening and changes things going forward in an previously unimagined way.

What online content is therefore inappropriate for most children?

Online content that’s beyond their stage of understanding will cause anxiety.

This needs keeping a special eye on as all children are different, but there are clear bands of cognitive development you can recognise in your child simply by noticing how they talk to you, how they understand the world and the questions they ask.

This gives you the clue to what they can cope with and what not. Consider all the following kinds of content:

  • Sexual exploitation and porn videos – often rife in junior schools where smartphones are allowed and the videos secretly shared.
  • Violence and killing of people and animals, because with computer-aided graphics it's nearly impossible to believe it’s fiction until you’re older. It's too plausibly real. Plus many games have people coming to life again. That’s not exactly helpful in coming to terms with death.
  • Films and games full of bad language and obscene gestures. Especially when parents have banned it in the house. What children hear is what they repeat.
  • All films and games that focus on crimes – until a child clearly understands about right and wrong. Even then it’s good to look at the overall balance of the film or game’s message.

Do I sound Victorian? Sorry, but I’ve spent years dealing with the aftermath. And this isn’t a hard-and-fast rule anyway. It’s guidance to keep in mind and to check up on. You know your child best, but be careful.

Aim low if in doubt. Read the labels and descriptions on videos and games.

Playing games and being online has so many pluses, of course. Banning them is obviously counterproductive.

Children can talk to their friends when apart, look up information, practise motor skills and have fun. They’ll easily fit into a tech-led adult world. Me, I love it all, too.

So if we want to avoid them becoming extremely anxious about material that they should be protected from for the time being, we just need to keep a lid on what, how much, and for how long.

If you’ve taken your eye off the ball, and your child is anxious, consider talking to them about what they’ve been watching or doing online.

(Count TV in with this as well. Especially if you let them choose randomly what to stream.)

Maybe you could:

  • casually query about the app or programme 
  • make interested comments 
  • hang around 
  • ask what they think 
  • keep the games console and house computer in a public room.

You may end up just having to discuss Minecraft, or CBeebies. Worse still, Thomas the Tank Engine!

As I said up top, they're not going to spew it all out to you straight away. You're going to have to cultivate discussion in general and work towards any confessions your child may need to make about online content.

You’ll be inching one foot into the mental doorway for when those things do come up in conversation – those online things that are perhaps the root of their anxiety.

Another important aspect of damaging online content is cyberbullying

At one time a child could escape the bullying after school until the next day. Now it’s constant. Cyberbullying is still a crime, but it’s not easy to prosecute. It’s a chief source of anxiety in young people.

It takes various forms, and I’m including it here as "online content" because it’s online and also inappropriate for children to be taking part in. That’s where this harassment lives: online, irretrievably. 

Cyberbullying often shows up as others reproducing rumours and mis-information about your child. This spreads like a blaze and destroys your child’s standing at school and with local friends.

Your child also needs to be helped to learn early on that they mustn’t take part in cyber bullying – it’s so hard for children to object or refuse to pass things on or join in, because that way lies exclusion from the peer group. And the peer group is so important to them at this stage. But taking part causes nearly equal anxiety to being bullied, because they feel guilt and shame in addition to what might happen next to the “victim”.

Sexting and grooming both result from an incoming online threat to someone else (someone important to the child) if the child doesn’t comply. They’re in a no-win situation. If they don’t send naked images, someone they love will be in danger, and if they do, it can go viral within minutes.

It’s the law that under 18s may not take, send or pass on photos of anyone under 18.

Groomers can be jailed. If your child discloses this as the source of their anxiety and despair, help them take snapshots (screen grabs) of the messages for evidence. Then tell the police.

The ongoing trouble with porn in online content

Research by Professor Neil Thurman at City, University of London, shows that 46% of 16 and 17 year olds use a VPN (virtual private network) or Tor browser (hides the site names) to view porn online. This circumvents any restrictions the Government might bring in. 

Four in five of them had seen porn, with exposure relatively recent.

63% had seen porn on social media and 47% on porn websites. To put that in context: these young people apparently watched for more than two hours a month.

That's two hours imbibing very unrealistic ideas of sexual activity.

But our concern here is that younger children in the household may be shown it by older siblings showing off (or by merely look over their older sibling's shoulder).

They may also learn to seek such things out for themselves.

This exposure to material in advance of their developmental journey is seriously anxiety producing because they cannot make the right sense of it. 

When you can't make the right sense of something, it hangs around in your mind (as with adults) nattering at you and demanding attention, while destroying focus on age-appropriate issues.

So this is another reason why you need to be involved with your child's online content early. 

What are the most common anxious signs connected to online content issues?

  • trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep
  • fearful talk about bad things happening
  • nail-biting in younger children
  • unwillingness to go to school
  • constant checking of social media
  • sudden changes in eating habits
  • constant fussing about looks and clothes
  • self-injury/self-harm
  • withdrawn and depressed mood
  • reluctance to go play with a former friend
  • guarding their mobile phone or laptop excessively

If you notice any of these (and they’re nearly all in the symptoms of anxiety section, which you can check out for specific help), you also will want to be: 

  • paying special attention to what's happening online and taking some sort of control, plus 
  • reporting anything illegal (see above) and also 
  • providing your child with activities offline in trusted company doing something very different. This will help counteract the problems while you start sorting them out.

Which offline activities will most help while the online problems are dealt with?

1 Time with the family doing fun activities like camping out, den building, board games, cooking and scrapbooking.

2 Outdoor exercise – rambling, orienteering, running, sport, swimming, climbing, cycling etc.

3 Indoor hobbies such as model making, art, jigsaws, reading, knitting or cross-stitch, music making etc.

What unites all these suggestions?

They all occupy the brain totally. No ruminating, no boredom (boredom is good but not in anxious times when you’re trying to develop self-esteem after the cybertrauma of inappropriate online content). 

Plus some are calming because of how you do them, whereas others are more active and increase dopamine, the feel-good hormone. 

So the solution to online content that produces anxiety in your child is to watch the content yourself and assess it. Then ban it, or limit it, or talk it through with them. Then spend more time (comparatively) building up your child in a positive way so they’re not quite so vulnerable to having to conform to the more pernicious corners of online life.

A troubling thought

When I first saw the Lego app, I wondered who in their right mind would use things like this on screen rather than get out the box of Lego and have a go.

Do our young people already see the world as flat, like our forefathers did, but in screen form this time??

Does the world already exist in either an “on” or “off” digital state?

Will our hands one day only recognise the feel of a function key rather than an eight-stud building block?

Perhaps this is the most anxiety-causing problem of the internet – we slowly become less human.

I know you won't let it happen to your child on your watch!

Teach your child from day 1:

"Everything you see, say or send online is permanent, public and must be positive." Just as if it were in the real world. And then make sure they inhabit the real world more than the online one!!

Why not download a printable version of the following illustration for your child to colour in and make their own? And maybe hang it in a really visible place in the house!

If you're more concerned about the effects of social media influencers on your child – which is still online content but less traumatising – I have now added a page here. Check it out when you have time.

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