Let’s talk about anxiety

This is going to be a difficult one to fish straight out of the lake! To talk about anxiety properly we’re going to have to sail around a fairly wide area and catch a few seemingly different fish. So let's set a context.

• Have you seen your child screaming at you because they don’t want to get in the bath?
• Have you had a six year old cuddle you tightly on your lap as if they were two again?
• Did you take a 12 year old to be vaccinated and suddenly notice their face was white as chalk in the waiting room?

Were all of these anxious children?

Probably. We have to look beneath the surface and see the anxious ripples caused by these "fish tails" frantically wiggling!

As I say many times on this site, anxiety is usually future focused. But what does that mean?

It starts as a what if? – when the primitive brain alerts the child to something they think is dangerous enough to threaten their survival. 

This immediately bounces their warning system into raising the alarm about what’s going to happen (that’s the future bit) if they don’t take action. Help, help, help…! What if this thing finishes me off?

And guess what? The scare is so great, their thinking brain (which is still immature anyway) has gone offline and doesn’t respond in the way you and I think or hope it will. (You know: a bit of thought, a sensible, logical decision!)

Which leaves you with: 

• a screamingly defiant child (anxious the deep bath water will drown them)
• a terrified child, face buried in your lap (scared stiff about the total friendship/social disaster that will happen at the class party)
• a silent but pale child (worried the injection will hurt more than they can bear).

See the future-facing worry?

We can also see straight away that the outward signs (from these examples) can be changed behaviour, or regression, or silent terror – there are many other outward displays, but you get the point!

So – the anxious emotion is about what will happen (in the future). 

But remember, how it shows up will vary from child to child. (You can have a look at a list of many possible symptoms here to see a bigger range.)

Talk about anxiety: We mentioned the brain going offline

Partly that’s because your child’s brain is still maturing and they simply don’t have the experience to insist on stopping and taking a different approach to the situation.

In addition, their immature brain is out-foxed by the situation. They simply don't have an answer. That’s why they still live at home, of course, and rely on you (to varying degrees) to keep them safe while they grow up.

But the result of their brain’s immaturity means this is one place you can step in and help with your own mature brain. 

You can help them by relating to them firstly, making a connection, at their level, eye to eye. If you don't gain that connection there and then, you won't be able to help.

Then you can help them calm down with a strategy – you may already have a favourite one you know will work.

And finally, they will now let you use your brain to help theirs have a think.

Let’s talk anxiety: Focus now on “What is”

You've calmed them enough to talk. They will now hear you!

The idea is now to focus on “what is” instead of “what if”.

“What is” can take several forms as you move through the situation:

1

What is going on for them. Name it, empathise (because, after all, we do need some sense of danger to survive in the world, so it’s not all bad to worry!), and check you’ve understood correctly how they’re feeling, without trying to alter it.

2

What is the real situation at this point? Maybe, grab some paper or some toys and draw and describe the situation graphically. Kids love pictures. 

For instance:

 - In our bath scenario it might be about drawing the water depth, your hand there to hold them, the toys they can play with while you keep them safe, that sort of thing.

- in our party scenario, you can maybe draw a couple of the children they know plus themselves doing something together that you know will happen – and having a great time. Check in with your child if you’ve got the clothes or activities right. Make it fun. Get them to help draw.

- in our injection scenario, with your older child, maybe you can’t draw at that moment but the reality can still be mentioned once you’ve checked in empathically with how they’re feeling. Keep it light. Maybe explain with your fingers how little of the needle goes in, how fine it is, and how they had several as a baby and it’s kept them safe till now.

3

What is going to be done (by you and them) to help them get through. This involves your child helping to make the plan and you helping them to execute it, maybe in steps, maybe in a modified form for today, but not pulling out. (Pulling out always keeps the problem going – aha, they were right to be totally anxious, weren’t they!)

Let’s talk about anxiety: The outcome

Bear in mind that an anxious child is going to experience two results of their anxiety and worrying:

• misery every time it happens and when they think about it
• missing out on what other children are enjoying together

On the other hand, the two things we all want our children to have in life are:

• satisfaction, pride, moments of happiness, and
• a full range of positive experiences to help develop their maturity.

In addition, though, there’s not only this mismatch when anxiety starts entering the whole family via your child. You will also soon notice that their anxiety is affecting their mental health and their physical health.

That’s because we’re not body and mind but all one. Actually, we’ve known this for years. But your child may not. 

So, help them understand that palpitations, for instance, are a bodily result of their anxiety and stress. This can help them see the links and worry less about their heart stopping! 

Likewise, it’s also useful as they grow older to understand how ongoing stress can raise their stress hormones too often. This can eventually affect their physical health, their immune system, making them more likely to get ill or catch colds etc.

The overlying message as you chat with your child is to understand that times have changed and we are not constantly in danger of being chased by woolly mammoths any more. The threats in the modern world are different and we have ways of dealing with them that are better than running away or fighting.

You can also teach them from a young age to breathe in a way that helps them calm down. This will turn off their bouncy alert system and bring their thinking back on board, even if it’s still immature.

At some point you may like to use (if they’re 6+ or have learnt to manage some smallish division sums at school!) the story of the 18th camel to help them see there’s a way through every problem in the end!

So - what have we covered as we talk about anxiety? 

Threats seem to scare the living daylights out of a child. 

It might show up in different ways as their alarms fire off and they indicate to us they want help. 

There's a difference between future-worrying in the form of “What if…?” and calming down enough to start looking at “What is actually going on?” 

If we can regularly help them manage this passage from anxiety to calm, we can bring them back to having a reasonably normal childhood instead of living some days in misery and missing out on the good stuff. 

Nearly every topic on this website has activities to try out with your anxious child:

• How to meet them in their need.
• How to calm them.
• How to find a way forward together.

On the strategies tab you’ll find many more ideas.

Let me know if they help, or if you have a new idea that works for your child that other parents might like to hear about. You can use the contact form to get in touch. I always answer.

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ALWAYS:

Trust your instincts,
use your judgement, protect the spirit
of your child