Sleep disturbances: the vicious circle

So-called sleep disturbances often happen when a child is newborn. Plus also at intervals afterwards if something unusual happens to upset them or over-excites them. 

And of course, you then have little sleep, and everyone is tired and fratchety. And less likely to sleep well, due to worry about it all. 

A vicious circle.

Probably by now you’re at your wits’ end to help your child so that everyone can regain their sense of wellbeing!

This “sleep disturbances cycle” is of special concern if it goes on for weeks with a child who usually sleeps well. 

Once your child sleeps through the night in general, the norm is to sleep soundly, turning over every so often and going straight back to sleep – or self-soothing for a few minutes till they do.

(If the anxiety is about your child actually going to bed and settling, have a look at my bedtime page.)

No one likes to hear a child screaming in the middle of the night after a nightmare or sobbing about wetting the bed again when they’re old enough to already be dry both day and night. They feel shamed. You feel helpless.

sleep disturbance 2

My rule of thumb is that it’s probably best not to target the actual nightmares and bedwetting, or the bad dreams and wakefulness: your child can’t help them. The root of the problem lies elsewhere. 

Here's what an normal sleep cycle looks like:

Light sleep for 5-10 minutes after dozing off.

Slowing of heart beat and breathing, and lowering of body temperature for around 25 minutes.

Deep sleep with the lowest heart and breathing speed – no eye or muscle movement.

REM sleep about 90 minutes after you drop off – when you're deepest asleep and your body heals and restores itself.

This cycle is disrupted when a root cause like anxiety creeps in.

Sleep disturbances and anxiety

As with many things in modern life, anxiety may well be at the bottom of any sleep disturbances. Not always, but often. Let’s see how it looks…

Three main sleep disturbances

1 Your child settles but is then awakened by a dream or nightmare. They may not have words to say what they dreamt – or they may name monsters out to get them, or think they were in a fire or a battle. Frightened of something. Scared to go back to sleep. Desperate for your company. This may be the result  of anxiety during the day, or a few other things I’ll mention below.

2 Something called night terrors. This is an even more frightening episode than a nightmare when you have to observe it in your child. They may not even be properly awake or remember they woke up yelling or trying to get out of bed. But you’re forced to watch them and it’s frightening.

It’s worth noting that these night terrors occur at a different point in the sleep cycle to nightmares. Night terrors occur during deep sleep or just transitioning out of it, when your child is not dreaming, whereas nightmares and troubled sleep occur during REM (rapid eye movement) sleep (see box above for the sleep cycle).

Night terrors can be genetic or due to early abusive experiences in a birth family. But sometimes it can be a reaction to the nervous system being overwhelmed by stressful situations during the day.

Recent research thinks the frequency of sleep terrors is between 16.7% and 20.5% and  you'll find them more common in children under five.

3 Bedwetting. If this has continued after your child is dry during the day, it’s often due to an immature nervous system. It can continue to age 11 in some children. 

It’s very hard not to criticise the child as “not bothering” or “being lazy” when you’re sick and tired of washing pyjamas and sheets. They may not always wake up if they’re wet and cosy, but you will, because you’re expecting it. 

However, if bedwetting has started again recently – and is therefore not due to an immature nervous system – read on. There will be another reason.

So what can be done to help?

  • Sometimes sleep disturbances will be induced by too much television before bedtime, or films that are not appropriate for their age. On the other hand, an individual child has different tolerance levels, so even that's a bit simplistic. You’ve probably considered it, anyway, but keep an eye on it.

  • You can cut out stimulants from their drinks. That might help. You probably have already?
  • And some problems, like sleepwalking and itchy legs, don't originate in the mind. So I’m not dealing with those here. Nor sleep apnea. Do consult your GP if any of these apply to your child and you haven’t thought of doing that yet.

So let’s look at anxiety behind sleep disturbances, and where you can make changes.

How you can help your child

The initial thing is to get an understanding of the cycle (or circle) of how our thoughts, feelings and actions are linked:

A negative thought causes a negative feeling/emotion, has a negative effect on our bodies, and causes us to take an action that tends to perpetuate the negative thought.

This maintains anxiety in anyone. Day and night.

This diagram takes the idea further:

The diagram shows the vicious circle/cycle of sleep disturbances caused by constant anxiety:

  • The anxiety is not dealt with and so stays around all day.
  • This affects the child’s sleep patterns because the brain works on the day’s events while we sleep. The child has nightmares or bad dreams and loses good sleep time.
  • A tired child the next day can't start to deal with any anxious thoughts, even with your help.
  • So the anxiety is not dealt with...

You can see where this leads!

But, as I said, we can’t target the nightmares, bad dreams or bedwetting directly, so we have to target the anxiety itself. The symptoms may well then subside.

Have a look at causes of anxiety first and see if any of those ring a bell. You can then take action. 

For example, is your child bothered by

Have a look at the bedtime page as well for some other ideas.

There are also activities, books and ideas for helping your child with their anxiety on nearly every page of this site. But here are two ideas that can help in general before you get down to dealing with a specific worry your child has.

Idea 1

Turn an empty box into a worry box. Have your child put worries in the box every time they come up with one (you can be a detective and hear anxious/negative things like “I can’t do...” or They won’t...” or “What if...?” as well).

If your child can’t write, ask them what you should write on the slip of paper and then let them put it in the box.

Each night, you both imagine together where your child would like to send the worries box so it won’t bother them overnight.

Get them to name a place, describe it in detail (ask a few questions to help them), and explore together how the box will be (mentally) put or buried or tied up or locked – or whatever your child’s imagination comes up with – in that place.

The power of imagination is huge. Together, shut your eyes and agree that the box is being sent there and settled for the night, all in detail. Make it vivid.

Then say goodbye to it (and the worries it contains) and open your eyes. Agree you won't think about those things again until tomorrow. 

You can also ask them the next day which one they'd like to deal with.

Idea 2

Choose some calming activities and do one each night before bath, bed and story time. (No child is too old for story time – just choose carefully so it’s not re-igniting dangers and fears.)

Note: none of your chosen activities will involve tech or excitement!

You might have these things available: sand, clay, paint, crayons, colouring-in patterns, soft toys to put to bed, or just some classical calming music to listen to for 5 minutes without talking, maybe with a cuddle.

Use your judgement according to the age of your child, but allocate one activity to each of the 7 nights. Let your child choose which night for which activity. Keep a chart? Tick them off?

This becomes an anticipated routine.  A calming wind-down for bedtime.

You could even do the worry box first and then the calming activity. You know your child best.

And don’t assume your child will object to doing this activity – most children will agree to anything that involves your attention!

When you’ve decided on exactly what's worrying your child, you can deal with individual worries. But hopefully these two ideas will set you off on the path to reducing sleep disturbances.

A book with an activity included

Grandmother’s Dreamcatcher by Beck Ray McCain is so gorgeously illustrated by Stacey Schuett that you can’t help but be drawn into the magic of the story!

Published by Albert Whitman and Co, the story is about a girl visiting her Native American grandmother who understands about her bad dreams and helps her make a dreamcatcher after telling her how dreamcatchers came into being.

If this sounds like something your child might enjoy reading with you, there are also instructions for making a dreamcatcher. 

grandmother's dreamcatcher cover

TAKEAWAY

  • Sleep disturbances in children can be part of a vicious cycle often tied to anxiety.
  • Common issues include nightmares, night terrors, and bedwetting, each with distinct causes and times during the sleep cycle.
  • Strategies to address sleep disturbances focus on managing the underlying anxiety, such as limiting screen time before bed and avoiding stimulants.
  • Creative solutions like a "worry box" and calming activities before bedtime can help.
  • For specific anxieties, identifying the cause is crucial for effective intervention.


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