Separation anxiety and how to help your child

Separation anxiety is a normal symptom in babies and toddlers of a certain age. That’s because they have to learn that the person they’re attached to (usually you!) has not vanished when they’re not within view. 

And as they grow up, separation anxiety can appear again briefly on and off, as different situations arise that cause a bit of anxiety – they have to learn all over again that you haven’t disappeared.

The thing that all babies and toddlers need is a deep attachment to you, their caregiver. They will find separation stages more difficult if this initial attachment is not quite secure.

So, if you also have a baby in the family, work on attachment from day one!

Most of us know the feeling of being certain that an absent friend is still our friend, still there for us, still faithful, even after a lengthy absence.

Children have to learn this. With sufficient experience of steady, trustworthy attachment to us, they can mostly leave us for periods of time and concentrate on growing up. It's a natural developmental necessity and perfectly normal to go through.

Maybe when they’re ill or under the weather or particularly tired, they'll revert a bit, but on the whole they move forwards.

So when is separation anxiety a problem?

You’ll notice symptoms of separation anxiety over a period of time. Maybe:

• Serious worry about themselves when parted from someone for even a short period
• Worrying about the other person they’re being separated from
• Bedtime problems and sleep difficulties
• Difficulties around going to school that are not about something else like bullying
• Many other symptoms of anxiety, such as headaches and feeling sick, temper outbursts etc
• Inability to be alone peacefully for even a short while.

Above all, these symptoms of anxiety around separation will be ongoing over a month or so, and they will also seem unusual for the age of your child.

What might cause a return of earlier (normal) separation anxiety?

• Sometimes a child will more likely become anxious about separation if a parent or carer also has an ongoing difficulty with it or has a mental health problem that makes them a little less reliable.

• Sometimes a child has had to be in hospital for a long stay at an age when they didn’t fully understand that a parent hadn’t deserted them.

• Perhaps, due to divorce or legal separation, one parent has become overprotective of their child – this can encourage the child to think they’re unsafe when away from that parent.

• Perhaps something bad has happened in the family – a sudden death, a terminal diagnosis, a serious accident. Even the loss of a pet or a home being burgled. Anything like this will make a child feel anxious on separation in case these things happen again. 

• Sometimes a house move or new school is enough to trigger separation anxiety in a sensitive child.

You can see that both behavioural and environmental factors can play a part here. 

The thing is to start dealing with separation anxiety as early as you notice that it is a problem for your child and that it isn’t doing them any good.

Helping with separation issues in good time

There are things you can do at any time to help put off the day when you feel you need to see a specialist and get a diagnosis for your child. 

And talking about that, I’ve said before that I don’t like labels. They can become the whole child (a child once said to me with a shrug: “I’m ADHD.” It had begun to define them). 

In what follows here, my aim is to give you some pointers for easing any serious distress your child feels on separating from you.

Ways to help with separation anxiety

1 Help your child to become familiar with emotions around separation anxiety and where they come from. Everyone needs to belong somewhere. 

• You can help them recognise that their tears, tantrums, fear and obstinacy around separation are about not wanting to let go of the familiar and experience separation from you. 
• On the other hand, loss of your company is real. Talk about it – and the joy of reuniting. And the fun and benefit of having several connections. 
• Draw a picture together of all the benefits they get from the people and situations they have to be involved in. Pin it on their bedroom wall? Add to it over time.

2 The message is “not one anchor but several”. You can find creative ways to keep track of the growing number of safe people and places. 

• Maybe for an older child, a chart with anchors and people named. Anchors hold boats to the world but let them float around a bit too.
• Maybe for a younger child a furry toy chosen for each person they know they’re safe with (make it fun choosing with reasons why!) – perhaps taking that soft toy along with them, talking to it and including it in conversations around the house.
• Maybe draw a basic map with roads and parks showing where people and places are, so that distances and connections can be talked about as well as what will happen as the child goes and comes back.

3 Arrange to always be in touch while they’re somewhere else with someone else. 

• If it’s school, they’ll need to know what you’ll be doing during the day and what you’ll report back about when you meet up again. This keeps them in the family circle.
• Likewise if school is involved, let them have a photo of you in their pocket, a note in their lunch box, a teacher giving them a message mid-afternoon (you need teachers on board to help if at all possible) – possibly all three. 
• It’s not bad to need reassurance. We all do. Offering it before it’s needed actually proves to your child that you have them in mind. It’s a positive move in advance, rather than a response to their tears.

4 Try never to dish out separation as a punishment for misbehaviour. 

• It teaches nothing but fear, and reinforces separation as a bad thing. I knew someone who, as a child, was left alone in a shop so they’d get used to being “lost” and not panic (panic was seen as bad behaviour back then). Believe me, it doesn’t work. It damaged them for ever.

• Practising separation is different – if it’s a game you both agree to and your child has control over. Your child could decide on some (reasonable!) rewards for choosing to be in a different room for five minutes or 10 minutes (pinger set by the child on a phone or kitchen timer).

• If you have to be apart – for instance, to get work-from-home done one day – agree a time to reunite and absolutely stick to it. If you delay your return to family life, and there’s an outburst, don’t punish or be cross or shout at them. This is not your child’s fault. You promised and let them down. If you haven’t finished on time, best go tell them. This reinforces your reliability and helps them hold on to you when you’re not there.

5 If there are problems at bedtime with separation anxiety, it might help to go to my page specifically about that.

2 books that might be useful

The Invisible String by Patrice Karst, illustrated by Joanne Lew-Vriethoff (and published by Little, Brown Young Readers), shows how love binds us – if we truly understand this we are free to wander away from caregivers more peacefully without the anguish that separation can bring. 

You might also find it helpful to read How to Parent Your Anxious Toddler by Natasha Daniels. It deals with many kinds of anxious behaviour including separation anxiety and is perfect for toddler age know-how!

QUICK CHECK: SEPARATION

• Create a special “home base” in the house that your child can imagine returning to
• Talk calmly with your child about how they’re feeling and why
• Give a younger child a favourite toy or blanket to take with them
• Encourage your older child to draw what they’ll be doing while away from you – to share the experience in advance
• Let your child know exactly when you’ll be together again – and don’t let them down!
• Help your child to express emotions, identify them and process them

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ALWAYS:

Trust your instincts,
use your judgement, protect the spirit
of your child