Which parental problems cause anxiety in children?

“Parental problems” immediately brings up images of a drunk parent laid out on the sofa and the kids crying. Or parents and friends gathered to take drugs while a sleepy child sits on the stairs unnoticed and traumatised in dirty clothes.

But there are many other causes of anxiety in children that are more to do with what their parents are doing or being than these two issues.

And because I do talk about how parental alcohol use causes anxiety in children here, I’m not going to include that in this section.

Some of the other less obvious parental problems that cause our children intense anxiety and confusion are:

• Parental physical ill health 
• Parental mental ill health
• Acrimonious arguments (as opposed to friendlier ones)
• Parents under time pressure
• Devaluing education due to their own experiences of it
• Unhelpful habits that are copied by their children
• How parents use technology and media in front of their children
• Use of labels and put-me-downs directed at a child

Let’s look at the problems in turn. Because most of these can be turned around pretty soon if you see an anxiety issue in your own family stemming from confusion about one of them. 

Parent has a physical illness

One of the more ongoing parental problems is that a child has to be the carer in some way for a parent with a physical illness or disability. Especially if the other parent is out at work, or if they have only one parent living in the house.

They do it willingly out of love, of course. But they are also children who naturally want to play and meet with friends and simply live their lives in the way other young ones do. 

It’s inevitable they’ll worry in case they’ve forgotten something their parent needed doing. Or worry their parent might die. This sort of worry bubbles under the surface even if they’ve been told the facts and that it’s not life-threatening. Their understanding is still immature.

What can you do? Try to find a local carers group where your child can have just a small amount of time with other children in a similar situation, and some time just being a child. This, according to what they tell us, makes a lot of difference.

Parent has a mental illness

Some of the most common mental health issues in parents are depression, bipolar, personality disorder and psychosis. Long words a child cannot understand very well – if at all. 

But it’s one of the parental problems that causes anxiety. Their parent will seem OK at one point and then very Not OK. The switch is highly destabilising for a child.

A child will learn to look after the parent on the days mum or dad can’t complete tasks or stays in bed. Their love for the parent outweighs any burden. But they worry all the time –  and the anxiety is caused mostly by 

• fear the situation will become known outside the house
• terror that they will have to go into care
• shame that anything is wrong
• guilt they might have caused it in some way

What can you do? Let them know that mental problems are equally important as medical ones and that there is no shame in having one. Keep up with medication if you’ve been offered it. And beyond that, your child needs to know that they did not cause your situation, nor are they responsible. And that you do not expect or require them to be the little adult in the house. 

Parents argue acrimoniously

I like that word, acrimonious, because it brings up for me the smell of burning! Acrid? 

Anyway, I use it advisedly. All parents argue. Heck, we don’t have to agree all the time. It would be insipid. And kids need to hear alternative views.

But acrimonious arguing lingers like the acrid smell of burning. It gets replicated in revenge acts, muttering, shouting and drawing the kids in. It doesn’t get extinguished but continues to smoke on and off and block the airways of everyone in the house. Every day.

It’s this sort of arguing that is a parental problem children need to be protected from. It worries them that the marriage has broken down and they’ll lose one parent. And it doesn’t model essential, healthy disagreeing either!

What can you do? Try to decide if the arguing has become a habit. I know I can always assume things and get into a rut of jumping to an annoyed response – which can lead to an argument that needn’t have happened.

Perhaps it’s good to always imagine a child is listening (they probably are, but even so). Then adjust the tone of voice, loudness and choice of words to a much more reasonable one.

If the arguing has got beyond what can be borne, then perhaps it’s time to decide on your future as parents? 

Separation can be for the best if it keeps the acrimonious bit out of the house. Children always benefit from having parents who are kind about each other – even if they are now separated. 

Parents have absolutely no free time

This is a difficult one among parental problems in general. Modern practices make overwork almost a necessity for keeping your job. You have to be super strong to resist. There’s always the fear of redundancy.

On the other hand, if one parent is not out at work (I won’t say not working, because bringing up a child is the hardest work of all!), it helps stem anxiety in a child if you can give them the time that the other parent cannot. Regularly – perhaps instead of some other task that could be postponed or limited.

And their worry is? That you don’t love them as much as… your phone, your box set, your work or your friends. We parents just have to disprove that fear constantly. Easier said than done, I admit.

What can you do? Try a shortish, regular special time when you agree to do their chosen activity with them. 

All reports say this is really helpful and works a miracle. I think children understand about you being horribly busy. So if you can set a time for them once a day or at least once a week, and keep to it, they will trust you and not worry.

Parents accidentally devalue education

Why would this worry your child? It doesn’t sound much like a parental problem. But it’s because they’re hearing two messages at once (value school, don’t value school) and that’s confusing. Confusion preys on their minds and leads to anxiety.

It’s possible a parent hated school themselves and doesn’t therefore think to value the child’s homework task, or their need for a book, or to be read to. 

Or maybe you accidentally haven’t supported a teacher when they try to insist on your child completing something. I say “accidentally” because most parents would never try to stop their child progressing in life.

What can you do? Try to avoid making your child anxious by deliberately supporting what your child is doing and supporting the school instead of criticising them. 

We all love to immediately stand up for our children when they feel aggrieved! But children thrive in a straight system with fair rules and clear expectations. And they do know at heart that education matters. 

Parents model unhelpful habits!

This is one of the parental problems I won’t press too much – I wouldn’t want to display my own failings in this area! – but just have a think about things like 

• slightly illegal little “gambits”, 
• shouting at passing drivers, 
• taking the odd something or other from a bar, 
• being dismissive about other races and political ideas etc.

The worry for our children is that they know this is wrong but they also love their parents who are doing it. So their developing morals/standards/ideas become confused. And to avoid the anxiety about it, they’ll simply copy you! 

What can you do? ’Nuff said really! Let’s do socially acceptable things and allow our children to work out their own ethics when they leave home. We can also spare them that extra anxiety which they feel deep down: what if “something happens” to you on account of what you’ve done or said?

Parents use technology/media thoughtlessly

I’m really referring here to playing games on devices that are not suitable for children to see, or leaving things open on the internet without realising your child might access it. 

Maybe also having magazines around that would be best kept private. That sort of thing. Just another of the parental problems that happen but which affect our children.

It simply exposes a child to things that are beyond their stage of development and therefore their understanding. I don’t think anyone does it deliberately – but my experience listening to children in the therapy room is that it happens.

What can you do? I’ve written about inappropriate online content here so have a look and see if anything needs adjusting. Just a simple thing can work wonders.

Parents label children and use put-me-downs

Parental problems like this actually start as a joke and are probably the result of your child’s traits at a particular stage in their development. 

“She’s the friendly one.” “He’s the DIY child!” “He’s such a talker!” “She just doesn’t know how to listen.” “He’s no good at that.”

The problem is it becomes a permanent characteristic to apply to the child – and worse, your child believes it's still true months and years later and starts acting like it is.

If you have two children, this accidental talk can not only turn one of them into something they aren’t, but also diminish the other child.

The first child suffers because they know what they’re really like(!) and for the other child it’s like glue that won’t wash off. 

We tell young clients that it’s chalk written on their walls and can be brushed off – but actually it does feel to them like glue unless their parents change the message! Or until I’ve helped them scrub it off enough to realise who they really are!

What can you do? Try having a close look at how your child is taking the comments. The initial joke may be fine, but perhaps watch that it doesn’t continue beyond when it was totally relevant. 

That’s a difficult judgement because we get into verbal habits. If you see signs that a) your child has actually changed or b) they’re upset or resentful about it, or c) anxious in social situations where they know you’ll likely throw the term at them, then it’s time to invent new ways of being humorous!

The good news about parental problems...

If you become aware of these “parental problems” and how they affect your child’s anxiety levels, you can take steps to lessen it as much as possible by

• altering what can be altered – that’s the key one!
• talking with them and discussing what they need you to do for things to feel different for them.

It’s hard being a parent and there will always be some problems that could be termed "parental problems" in any family. I’m posting this page so we can together make life as healthy and fulfilling as possible for our children. 

No blame, no recriminations. Just awareness so we can improve things.

After all, as Alex Den Heijer says: "When a flower doesn't bloom you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower." (Oops, I'm berating the radish plants as I write this!)

Children are emotional barometers

There's a very telling article here – and it very readably explains with an example how children can seemingly have troubles that "belong to them" when the reality is that they are reflecting what goes on in the family. Like barometers showing the weather. The problems lies elsewhere! 

OK - we don't need to feel guilty. The key to putting things right is being aware of what's happening and why. Anyone reading this site is presumably more interested in their children's wellbeing than proving nothing is wrong! "The tension of two people can get acted out in the third..." Just so obvious, isn't it? 

A useful leaflet to download

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ALWAYS:

Trust your instincts,
use your judgement, protect the spirit
of your child