Regression to an earlier stage of behaviour

Regression is a form of going back to a previous behaviour that has been left behind developmentally but is now needed for some reason as a way of coping emotionally.

Regression, here, means something more than what happens on and off throughout childhood.

You’ll already have noticed that your child starts behaving in a more needy way when they’re off-colour or ill with something diagnosable like a throat infection or glue ear. 

Perhaps, too, when a new baby arrives. Or nursery mornings are about to start. 

Insecurity and anger for any reason may also trigger a bout of regression. 

When regression happens, your child often becomes more whiney, clingy and demanding. You then find it difficult to have any free time of your own!

This is normal, if taxing. And it's actually a great safety mechanism – it protects them from overwhelm. And especially so if they don't yet have words to say what's troubling them.

And this sometimes happens just before a real developmental breakthrough, so it can become hard to distinguish regression that matters from regression that often occurs throughout childhood.

When is regression a concern?

regression2

Let’s pause and look at regression in adults!

We all run from worries. We know it’s better to face them, but we also know there are many times when we’ve sought help from a friend or partner when we could perfectly well manage by ourselves if we weren’t anxious! We choose to regress and play baby. 

Does this ring a bell?  “Help! Can you come and remove this spider for me?” 

Returning to regression in children (with a little more empathy!) – apart from those times we mentioned at the start, you'll often notice little signs that a child is anxious and therefore retreating into earlier developmental behaviour – which is basically what regression is.

Why would they do this? 

The answer is simple and so very like the adult version: an anxious child will go back to previous behaviours in an attempt to become more dependent, more looked after, and therefore not have to deal with the anxiety themselves. 

So – you may have noticed signs like:

  • Babyish language emerging and continuing
  • Refusal to know what they already know (eg seeming unable to use a knife and fork, can’t tie shoes)
  • “Accidentally” not getting to the potty on time (only when they've been fully potty trained for a while)
  • Obstinacy at a previous and easily “passed” developmental stage (eg getting out of bed and dressed)
  • Wanting help with feeding
  • Starting to thumb-suck again
  • Over-tiredness and poor sleep
  • Irritable behaviour in an otherwise peaceful child (but have you looked at the sugar in their diet recently?)

Regression of this sort becomes a concern when it continues beyond what might be expected as normal.

What might cause a regression in your child?

Anything that disrupts their routine can trigger a lengthened bout of infantile regression again. Think: house move, school move, serious routine change, bullying, or too many changes at once in their life.

What’s at the bottom of it is not those situations, but rather the anxiety they cause.

Anxiety is always forward-facing: 

  • “I won’t be able to manage”
  • “What if…?”
  • “How will I…?”
  • "Something bad will happen”
  • "The new baby will be  more interesting than me"
  • "No one will care for me”

It’s therefore the anxiety you need to target more than the regressive behaviour. Tackling the regression will bring more of the same or perhaps outright hostility. 

And to tackle the anxieties effectively, you need a good relationship with your child. So bite your tongue and stay caring and empathetic!

What can you do to help your child who shows regression?

Your task is to work out what's causing anxiety or stress for your child. Remove the stress and the regression vanishes like mist on a sunny morning.

So these are some suggestions. Adjust them for the age of your child and what you know about them.

1 Do activities together. 

Anything. No one likes feeling “on the spot” or being eyeballed. If you’re happily doing something together, you can initiate a gentle conversation to find out what concerns your child has.

It won’t come out all at once. You’ll need a special ear.

This means pausing before answering, reflecting back what they’ve said to check you’ve understood, withholding on solutions till much later, and validating the anxieties you hear. 

Plus showing them you love them “as they are” and will look after them. Remember, this is a child who may have been thumb-sucking, keeping you awake all night or soiling inappropriately. It takes real acceptance to mean this!

2 Draw pictures of the anxiety as they see it.

You then have something to talk about, to ask detail about, to wonder aloud about what might make things different. 

Try to empower your child with any possible solutions they suggest. Assure them you’re available to help (“Do you want me to do it with you?”) but you trust them to be able to try on their own too.

3 Do some relaxation together as a fun activity.

You could choose deep breathing (see my Strategies section for help with this), or listening to music, or free dancing, or lying near each other with eyes closed and naming what you can hear, or playing with sand or water (yes, it’s messy but it works wonders for calming children).

The point of this is that you cannot talk with a child who is aroused, rebellious, antagonistic, whining or dead tired. Their thinking brain simply isn’t available. Relaxation restores the body to equilibrium and then you can start working on the anxiety that’s causing the regression.

These are just a few ideas. There are many more in my Strategy pages. Your child is the expert in what's troubling them. You may have to try a few ideas before hitting on the one that they respond to and that will help them move forward again. 

And after your child, you’re the next best expert for knowing how to help them. Which is why these are only suggestions!

Another thought on regression

If you find your child is intent on continually being in babyish, regressive mode, you could try this: offer to wrap them up, cuddle them and give them a baby bottle. Sometimes offering what is needed before they ask (if they dare ask!) is enough to show you have them in mind and are thinking about them.

You can also be sure they'll not want to be treated like this for long. But it will have served a need. And that will encourage them to talk with you about what’s bothering them.

When to seek outside help

1 It's worth noting that if your child’s regression involves a serious deterioration in social skills and a refusal to speak or give eye contact over a period of time, then it’s good to seek the opinion of a GP and a referral to a psychologist. This is because it’s possible (and I don’t mean to scare you here) that your child has started to show signs of autism. If help is sought early, this can be negotiated so much more successfully.

2 On the other hand, if that isn't the case, and if you can't manage to reduce your child’s anxiety step by step using the help I've offered here, then please do consult a counsellor. They’re very good at working with anxiety issues. There's no shame in asking for help. I give you lots of tips on how to choose a counsellor in my Help section.

You might also find these pages helpful