Should you worry about perfectionism in your child?

Why is your child anxious and wanting everything to be perfect?

Perfectionism, like any other character trait, can be useful. But in the wrong situations, it is not only worrying (and perhaps annoying!) but can be a symptom of a child who is anxious.

Anxious children rarely sit fretting, like an adult might about which way to do something or finish something.

One way their anxiety does show up is when they want everything to be perfect: whatever they’re doing has to be “just so” before they call it finished. 

This is perfectionism. And when driven by anxiety it’s not particularly helpful to wellbeing.

An example

If your child is anxious, you may notice it when they do their homework, for instance.

I’ve seen children never manage to finish a piece of writing or a picture they’re painting, because they keep chopping and changing, adding and adjusting. Tongue between teeth, fierce concentration. But never satisfied with the outcome.

Your child might even have screwed up their work in despair.

A teacher might label them “slow” – but that’s not fair: there’s always a reason for a child’s behaviour – it’s telling us something. “Perfectionism that is never finished” is telling us that all is not well.

As a parent, you can feel like saying to your child, “That’s fine, just leave it, you’ve done your homework,” or “I love what you’ve drawn, come on, let’s go to the park.”

But they won’t leave it. It's so frustrating! 

If this becomes a habit, then it’s good to look behind the behaviour and see if something is worrying your child. 

In my experience, they’re often trying to head off something that’s threatening them. The question is, what?

perfectionism is a child

What might be the cause of perfectionism?

A teacher?

Sometimes it’s down to a teacher having been critical of a sensitive child who then wants to get things right to avoid being criticised. But they don’t quite understand what sort of right is right. Is it good enough yet? So they continually adjust it.

If their teacher tells you on parents’ night that your child worries too much about their work in the classroom and is slow to finish, it’s maybe time to discuss with them how they’re talking to your child about their work. 

A teacher who has 30 kids to control may be taking the same approach to everyone, even if they know they shouldn’t.

So, help them to see it’s causing a problem that you both need to nip in the bud. Good teachers will immediately adjust their attitude. If they don’t, it’s time to speak to the Head of Year.

A comparison?

At other times, there’s maybe an unspoken comparison with a brother or sister. In other words, the child imagines one. That doesn't mean a parent is actually doing it!

And the child can invent a comparison to anyone because they're trying to be perfect.

One parent I met knew that her children had different skills and abilities and wasn’t bothered.

But the younger child saw how successful the older child was at writing stories and doing maths. They were trying to copy that standard, even though they were three years younger and obviously hadn’t had the chance to learn those skills yet.

The parent was able to talk with the child and help them understand what was happening.

Measuring up to online "influencers"?

In other cases where the child’s anxiety is caused by unwarranted perfectionism and a desire to “be as good as” something or someone else, this is often a result of too much screen time.

Life seen through a Tiktok or Instagram lens is not real. It’s manufactured.

But children feel they have to measure up. They don’t have the mental dexterity to realise what is happening and adjust their thinking to real life. So perfectionism sets in.

So what can you do in the face of your child’s perfectionism?

1 General things you can do every day

You can talk with your child, assure them they’re doing great, point out what real life is like, maybe show how the Influencers and others they have put on a pedestal are just ordinary people who mess up like anyone else – until they sit behind the camera and present a short “perfect” session. 

Make a joke of it, exaggerate how it probably all goes wrong in their real off-screen life – how they probably got a bad mark for Maths earlier that day, before perfecting their make-up and pretending to be “oh so wonderful”! 

It’s also great to value different kinds of gifts in the family out loud and often – any child loves to know their own place is special and that they’re unique and appreciated.

Maybe you’ll have to tell them more often in order to counteract anxious perfectionism. And maybe they won’t believe you at first. But it seeps in gradually.

Anxiety takes on a cloak of perfectionism for lots of reasons. I’m putting out ideas here that might help you move your child forward.

2 A strategy you can use to get to the bottom of why being perfect matters to them

You could ask your child (if they are of an age to understand this sort of strategy): “If you didn’t do this perfectly, what do you think would happen?”

Their answer might need you to follow up a couple of of times with “And then what?”.

But you will find out what the catastrophe is that they are expecting to descend on them. And that’s what you need to work on.

example of asking a child some questions about perfectionism

You can see from the example above that the worry is more about losing friends than getting the work right. Having friends is so important to children.

For this child, getting the work perfect is a means to keeping friends.

You can take this discussion forward in any appropriate way, now you know what's behind the perfectionism.

3 A game that might help some children accept mistakes

I’ve often sat with an anxious child who was desperate to be perfect. One of the fun things we do is play a game. 

We take a piece of paper and a pencil, and one of us (usually me first – I never ask them to do something I wouldn’t do) starts drawing a picture. I might say, “This is going to be a fabulous boat, the best drawing you’ve ever seen of a boat.” 

I tell the child that they’re to shove my drawing arm quite often, saying “Oops, sorry”. (At first they won’t want to do it - you just don’t shove an adult, even a parent, and ruin their drawing!) 

My task is to accept the resulting wrong line or scrawl and continue making it into a picture – incorporate the error if you like,  saying something like, “Well, this boat has a long (oar? whatever!) here, so that’s fine.” After a few shoves, and changes of direction in your drawing, you stop and admire your very different sort of boat. 

Then it’s your child’s turn to have a go at being shoved into making errors. Nothing's at stake here, so they will love it and have fun.

You have a laugh, it seems less important to get it right. And as the adult, you can make up a funny, resigned sort of commentary as you are forced to alter things. Your child will quickly grasp the idea and make up silly comments about theirs, too, when it’s their turn.

Have several turns. Just 10 minutes or so of real fun. Being “perfect” just got a rethink. See?

And the lesson? It’s OK to make mistakes and carry on. It’s even more fun not being perfect.

Events that are linked to strong positive emotions will remain in memory. 

Perfectionism is a great strain on your child. The sooner they can start to shift the response, the better they will enjoy life.

4 Create some affirmations or mantras

As a family you can create some statements that will affirm each person is OK in their own right, just by being a person.

They can also be motivating ones, or about intention.

  • A motivating one might be: “I have managed to learn other things. I can learn this.”
  • An intentional one might be: “I can face up to my fears and do it anyway.”

A list of others might include:

  • I am kind and good
  • I am nice to my friends
  • I am loved and OK
  • I can make a good decision
  • I can try and try again

Write them on slips of paper and choose one each day. Your child repeats their chosen daily one at regular times during the day. It sounds wiffly-woffly but it works. And this is why.

What their brain hears, it will believe. The brain works in the present and acts on what it hears.

Let’s make sure your child is giving it positive, good things to hear!

It’s even better if all of you in your family have a bunch of your own affirmation slips to choose from each day. You can then encourage each other.

This empowers your child because they’re helping you with yours. It also models a way of being happy without being perfect. 

Remind them that to get rid of darkness in the quickest way (in this case anxious perfectionism that’s spoiling their life) you simply bring in light!

5 A book that might help

A Perfectly Messed-Up Story is still available and children love it – even those who are now a little past picture books! It's published by Little, Brown Books For Young Readers.

A Perfectly Messed Up Story cover image

Another thought: what is high-functioning anxiety?

High-functioning anxiety implies two things (and maybe others, of course):

  1. Your child manages to find a way to deal with the anxiety by constant achievement.
  2. You, as the parent, kind of don't notice – because it seems “good”, and we all want a good child!

This is another form of perfectionism with a slightly different twist.

Your child has found a way, themselves, to deal with their anxiety. They simply achieve, achieve, achieve. Nothing can then go wrong, can it? It's like warding off a threat by being perfect.

The trouble is, the constant battle to be perfect is as damaging and unhelpful to your child's health as the things we've talked about above. The difference is that they appear to be a good child, a clever child, always helpful, always managing. 

Hmm... It's a bit too good to be true when you think about it! I wrote a blog post on the topic here. Have a read and see what you think.

Takeaway

  • Perfectionism can be a symptom of anxiety in children, not just a personality trait.
  • It often manifests when children are afraid to make mistakes, driven by fear of criticism or comparison.
  • Causes can include critical feedback, sibling comparisons, and unrealistic standards seen on social media.
  • Strategies to help include discussing your child's fears, playing games to learn to accept mistakes, and creating affirmations.
  • High-functioning anxiety might look like constant achievement and not anxiety at all, but it can be equally harmful.


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