Parental expectations – 5 ways these can cause your child to be anxious

Parental expectations can do more harm than good if they remain out of awareness.

And this applies whether we expect nothing much of them or something.

In general, though, we do need to expect something good of our children. And high but realistic expectations are perfect: they help them achieve things and challenge themselves.

So where do we cross the boundary into unhelpful expectations as parents? Is it when they're still in the womb and we start joking about a boy being a good excuse to buy a train set??

Perhaps that’s taking it too far! Although we do know our brains register our thoughts and go into auto mode…

So let’s get them out of babygros before we set our parental expectations for their lives. And then consider the five reasons I’ve come up with why our expectations can possibly cause anxiety in our children.

5 reasons your parental expectations can cause anxiety in your child

1 Characteristics

If you make your labels (aka parental expectations!) too clear about academic and character traits, you risk them trying to assume the identity they feel you want for them, instead of their own. Characteristics such as clever, kind, sociable, hetero, sporty, studious, religious, or any others we dream up and deem desirable – tend to get emphasised often and incontestably! And your child wants your approval more than anything.

How can that cause anxiety?

They have to be constantly watching their replies, decisions and plans to see if they will be acceptable.

How can you avoid this trap?

I think the best way here is to always acknowledge when they’ve tried hard (because trying hard is the only way forward for anyone) and also take a great deal of curious interest in what they like and do and prefer. Then adjust your parental expectations and joking labels accordingly. Let them know, often and lovingly, that they are acceptable as little people!

2 Academic aims

If you set academic aims too high for the brain and skill they’ve been given, they’ll fall into despair because they can never achieve them. Even the response, “B+ is great. Maybe an A next time?” falls into this category, if they’re not gifted academically.

How can this cause anxiety?

Expecting them be cleverer than they are is outside their power to deal with. Inside targets we can deal with. Outside ones are not in our hands. It’s unfair to have these parental expectations and it provokes anxiety as well as possible anger and frustration.

How can you avoid this trap?

As you know, there are many other forms of intelligence than sheer (mere??) academic ability. To vary your parental expectations, maybe make your conversations include all of those intelligences and rate only “trying hard and doing their best at anything” as the master key in life. They’ll surely find a niche of their own if they’re not consumed by anxiety. Most children do.

3 Life map

If your child’s life trajectory is mapped out for them – especially key things like whether they’ll study X or go to university (or not) or become a (eg policeman) like you or get married or whatever! – it takes a fair amount of courage on their part to rebel.

How can this cause anxiety?

They’ll find they have a conflict of interests long term. Conflict leads to anxiety. At each major life transition they'll have to plan carefully towards rebelling against parental expectations and doing things their way – while knowing they’re hurting the very people they love and who gave them the chance to have these choices. They instinctively know as they get older what their real-life journey should be like, so the decision to rebel causes even more conflict and anxiety.

How can you avoid this trap?

Be proud of the plans they’ve put forward. This will allow conversation to stay “on the table” and any input you'd hope to make will be listened to – because they know that ultimately you'll support them. You’re simply adjusting your expectations to be in line with their growing independence.

And as a PS, try to avoid reacting in alarm and horror at their usual desires at a certain age to be a footballer or an Instagram Influencer!! It will pass.

4 Completing the parent’s failed aims

Sometimes, without realising it, our parental expectations include wanting our child to achieve something we didn’t manage to do. That might be academic, sporty, an interest or a job.

How can this cause anxiety?

Your child will know it simply doesn’t feel right for them. No passion, no interest, no energy to do it. And they anxiously wonder why they're "so useless at everything".

How can you avoid this trap?

For this one, maybe we have to sit and think for a moment why we’re pushing whatever it is. Bring it into awareness, take a moment to grieve for what we didn’t do (for whatever reason) and adjust our expectations to the present moment with the child you have. It’s as simple as that – so long as we’ve now realised what’s happening and the anxiety it’s causing. Besides, no one ever became a champion jockey just because their dad didn’t quite make the grade!

As a sort of PS here: Jung famously declared* that “nothing has a stronger psychological influence on our children and their environment than the unlived life of the parent”. So they knew it back then!
(*Jung CG. Psychology and alchemy: collected works of CG Jung, Volume 12, 1944. London: Routledge (2nd edition); 1968.)

5 Wanting the child to be happy

Some parents simply set their expectations high (even unrealistically) because they genuinely want their child to be successful, earn good money and find a certain status in life – “so they'll be happy”. This can be misguided if it's your own belief and not theirs.

How can this cause anxiety?

Wanting to do their own version of “happy” and knowing you don’t agree is anxiety-causing. There are many definitions of happiness. Your child (as they grow up) may simply be coming up with something else they’re passionate about and which gives them all they need to be happy. Maybe eventually wanting to be a poorly paid carer, an activist, being gay in an anti-gay world, working for someone else instead of taking on extra responsibilities, being freelance and choosing hours of work… At a young age these happiness aspects will be rather more “down to earth”, but they do exist and will develop with your child.

How can you avoid this trap?

Observe your child carefully as they grow up – noting all the things they do that cause them happiness. Then adjust your expectations of what they need for a happy life and accept that your child’s needs may well be different to yours.

PS These things grow with your child!

These little parental expectations of ours will be embryonic at first and grow in the effect they have as your child does. So keep an eye on your child's anxiety levels and consider if any of your expectations are unrealistic and therefore causing them anxiety.

Even if it’s only one little thing that needs changing, just doing it will transform your child’s wellbeing, now and in future.

I think we all know of adults who report their parents constantly said things like: "The brains were all given to your sister" or "You're an idler, you'll never make anything of your life." Or even: "You'll love being at university. I did."

As Casey Imafidon says in a more general article on parental expectations, “Children shouldn’t have an umbrella of perfection hovering over them.” This is a nice quick read, actually. Have a look?

An activity to help you think!

See if you can fill in this chart (just sketch it out on a piece of paper). Put a mark on the scale to indicate where you see your child on each continuum.

Best to do this on your own. Or, if your child is older and would enjoy taking part, that's fine. In which case, I'd suggest you help them do it for you too. A shared activity – you can compare yourselves!

You should gain a real-life impression of who your child is right now. It will change as they grow older but I’ve chosen traits that are more long term than transient. And they’re just my opposites: if you think of a better one for the left- or right-hand column, do use yours!

Then try summing it up? Out loud or in writing. It might be an eye-opener!

Finally: a reverse parental expectation!

There's a shedload of research that shows a close connection between parent and child in one of the best ways to ease stress and anxiety in a child's mind: better mental health, better problem-solving.

Trouble is, that "close connection" can lead us to expectations, as above – plus ONE OTHER THING: an instinct to shield them from experiencing the very stressful things going on in the world.

But the solution is not to shield them but to remain a non-anxious presence, which is proved to help them cope better themselves. That means

letting them experience some stress and anxiety alongside your non-anxious presence and modelling, and
giving them a safe, supportive environment at home.

So – no parental expectations of shielding them completely!

And – yes, a parental expectation of producing more resilient children with whom you have a close relationship, while letting them grow into independence in their own way.

Sound fanciful? OK, but it works!

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