How to access further help

A safe way of finding professional counselling help for your child: either face to face or online

When and who to ask for help

As you know by now, I'm offering help as a child therapist. This website is to give you ways of improving your child's mental wellbeing before it gets to the stage of asking for "official" help. As you will have read up front, I'm not a medical doctor or a psychiatrist (who can issue medication where necessary). So –

The tactics you've tried already will have been aimed at helping your child: 

  • face their fears, 
  • manage their anxiety and 
  • push through it with techniques and skills you’ve both learnt to use. 

In other words, learn to manage their anxiety effectively. (There will always be things to be anxious about and manage!)

And you’ll have altered anything at home that could be adjusted so that your child isn’t: 

  • picking up anxiety from you, or 
  • copying how you yourself deal with anxious situations.

If, after all that, you feel you've tried everything you can think of to help your child, and they're still very worried, anxious and unhappy – and not improving – it's maybe time to consider how and when you should find a good counsellor for them.

I’ll show you how to go about it here.

This situation probably applies if: 

  • your child is showing damagingly withdrawn or at-risk behaviour
  • their distress is affecting their whole wellbeing over a few months
  • the problem is more than you feel you can manage any longer by yourself
  • there is a crisis.

In a crisis, get help fast. But if you’ve come to this decision over a few weeks or months, it's good to pause just a moment longer to consider who, when and how.

That's because it's really important that you know how to find the right counsellor, or other help, for your child. 

Don’t necessarily accept the first name someone suggests. It’s not quite like booking a good holiday recommended by someone else! People don’t always have your child’s best interests in mind. Only you can decide that. But I can guide you with some information:

This counsellor needs to be:

  1. qualified in what they’re claiming to do – specifically, check out their qualifications for “working with children and young people”
  2. backed by a professional body – there are a few to choose from (see below) – so that they’re held to account
  3. appropriate in their model of working with children and your child’s specific problems, and
  4. able to relate to your child well – this will mean a trial session or initial meeting, for which you should not be charged, if fees apply.

The reason for this is that it’s a case of no relationship, no progress. Which will not only be a waste of your money (if you’re paying) but also damage your child (even if it’s free) – it takes great trust to tell a stranger what’s wrong. They need to get on with each other and want to attend.

counsellor and child in a help session

Where to find a counsellor

You have a number of options – but I can only speak for the UK here, as I don’t know the systems in other countries.

  • Your GP may have a counsellor connected to the surgery or a mental health team or nurse.
  • Your child’s school (if they are at school) may have an individual counsellor or a counselling service working on the site.
  • There are counselling organisations you can approach directly.
  • There are directories of private counsellors you can also contact directly.

My experience is that parents choose to go privately (to a hired room or someone’s home office) when they wish to avoid other children stigmatising their child for needing counselling. Children have playmates. Younger children blurt out everything. School-age children find that school news gets round fast.

Other parents fear that their child will be given medicine before psychotherapeutic help if they visit the GP, and they’re suspicious of the GP medicalising what may not be a medical issue. Even if the anxiety stems from a medical problem the child already has, they would prefer to access counselling as the first option. So if they’re not sure what will happen, they avoid approaching their GP.

Other parents approach a well-known organisation because the brand name seems to offer a guarantee. It probably does, in terms of standards, but remember point 4 above. You may not get a choice. And on top of that, your child may be allocated to a trainee. All trainees need to learn on the job as well as in diploma courses, of course, but just check there is supervision and someone responsible behind the trainee.

A good option is when there is a well-embedded school counselling service that is about "whole school wellbeing" as well as about individual needs. This means the ethos of the service is simply part of school. Some nurseries are attached to schools so this option covers a range of ages.

In these cases, my experience is that children are proud to be attending! They don’t mind the class seeing when someone collects them for their own session. The service is visible and loved.

There are advantages of this kind of school system – but also disadvantages if your anxious child happens to not be keen on “being seen”. Their anxiety makes them supersensitive to feeling different – or maybe they’re just innately shy and private.

Choosing a counsellor

Bearing in mind the points 1 to 4 that I mentioned above, here are some suggestions of where to look to choose a counsellor. It’s not an exhaustive list but it’s reliable. And it gives you somewhere to start the hunt yourself. 

You can usually search by name (if you've heard of a counsellor) or by location or type of service offered (adults, children, bereavement, trauma etc).

BACP – The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy – offers a list of Registered and/or Accredited therapists and a list of Registered Organisations.

The Counselling Directory offers similar search facilities, and also articles that may help you in your quest for information.

Psychology Today also has listings and details. 

CAMHS – Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services: you can find a very helpful guide to CAMHS on the Young Minds website. Referral is normally via your GP. 

Children are sometimes happy to ring Childline (0800 1111) on their own. They've been told about it at school and usually know the number off by heart! You could suggest this if it seems suitable for your child. They can often get to speak to the same counsellor each week and it's anonymous if they wish. I know this option is sometimes used by children in desperate home situations, but it can be a starting point in its own right for anxious children. It gives them a taste of talking to someone outside the family. The counsellors are well trained. There is also a lot of good stuff on the website for children to use themselves. Well worth a look. It can empower them to start managing their anxiety themselves.

British Association of Play Therapists (BAPT) has a qualified therapist register. Most counsellors for children use elements of play and art in therapy because it works so well. This organisation trains therapists too. 

Place2Be is a mental health charity offering a school-based counselling service across the UK – check to see if your child's school has Place2Be. Staff make referrals, but parents can too. They assess your child's needs and allocate a counsellor who will work with play and creative arts, directed by the child for between 12 and 36 weeks.

Other organisations do work in schools, of course, but the ones I've listed here are ones I personally can recommend as places for you to start looking.

Something to consider

Counselling usually takes place once a week. Same time, same day.

At school, that’s easy. Privately, it may be a problem.

First

Some private counsellors will work with you to take into account your work patterns if you have variable shifts. A parent will need to take your child, wait in a waiting space and take them home afterwards.

Mostly, though, because of the client list the counsellor has, the same time and day is best.

If this is a problem, a school counselling service may therefore be your best option, as you won't need to be there.

Second

The regularity of sessions involves three things for children attending out-of-school sessions:

  • The weekly disruption of private sessions can feel to any other children you have as if someone is eating up a chunk of their parent or free time. They can start to resent it. You have to take this into account – especially if you’re a single parent. You’ll need to work out how to arrange things the best way for everyone.
  • Your child will get into a rhythm of expecting the session and eventually begin to store up things to work on (in both verbal and metaphorical sense) in session. The good thing about this is that, in between, they manage to put aside the problem or issue and immediately start to seem a little better at home.
  • On the other hand, starting to deal with things in session can leave them a bit subdued for a little while afterwards and you should take this into account when dealing with them. It means they’re working on their problems and will get better. A good counsellor will always make sure the child is safe to go home or back into class before the end the session – time is allowed for this within the designated length of session.

Some types of therapy that might help

CBT

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy  sounds dry but is made interesting by the therapist! Essentially the aim is to look at the child’s thoughts, because they lead to how they feel about things, which leads to how they behave. 

It’s a bit like windmill sails that follow each other round. You think someone will not like you >> you feel shame or fear >> you stay away from them >> they don’t get to know you so they don’t actively like you!

The therapist will help the child look for evidence that the person doesn’t like them. Maybe they play with other people. Well, that's not proof. Often the evidence does not exist!

But either way, if you find a positive version of the thought (maybe “they will have a chance to like me when they get to know me”) the feelings can change to hope and calmness, and the child then doesn’t hide away. Result? The other child gets to know and like them. 

That’s just a simple, exaggerated example to show how thoughts affect outcomes.

But when it's made fun with diagrams, craft, games, and every sort of creative intervention, the child can be helped to work through anxieties.

Sometimes there is homework for older children in terms of trying out an idea. But with younger children, the CBT is mostly kept within the session.

Play therapy

A play therapy session can be directive or non-directive ie child-led or not. Sometimes a mixture of both.

But the play itself shows the therapist metaphorically what is on the child’s mind and a solution is then worked through by further play together or by chatting later in the session, or – often – by the child working things through as they are allowed to lead the play further and go at their own pace.

It's like magic in its most awesome sense. 

I've been involved in outcomes led by the child that are better than anything I could have imagined choosing to do directly myself. You just need the right set-up for the magic to happen.

I've also used stories invented by me, illustrated and printed out in serial fashion, week by week, from what child “shows me”, that are supposedly about “some other child or animal”(!).

These reinforce whatever the child has been thinking, playing and talking about.

The real child in the session waits for the next episode with glee. I’m sure they know it’s about them, but there's safety in it being about someone else. 

And that’s the whole point of play. Play is a child’s natural language and they are safe if they play out their problems and find solutions instead of talking directly about them.

If you want to glimpse a little bit of what happens in a non-directive play therapy session, just to see what it's like, have a look here.

Non-directive therapy

Even if the therapy is technically “talking therapy”, nearly all therapists of children will have things in the room that can be used in a more imaginative and creative way: blocks, shells, feathers, mini figures, paper and pens etc.

Sitting and eyeballing is not conducive to sharing, even when you’re off to secondary school soon and feeling quite grown up!

This is why you need to check the counsellor has been trained to work with children and young people. Nothing else will do. The child must be allowed to initiate and lead the discussion, however it then continues.

Family therapy

A trained family therapist will know how to work with the whole family to sort out major problems where it’s clear the whole family is needed to join in to make progress.

There is no condemnation or criticism, just help and guidance on trying things out through questioning, drama perhaps, trial and error, discussion and experimenting before the next session. 

I’m not a family therapist by title, but I've always liaised with the parent(s) and also worked in session with the whole family at certain points – if it seemed right to do so, and with the child’s agreement. It's always moved things forward.

The child deserves to be involved in decisions about what is shared with parents, unless their safety is at stake – and parents may have to accept that some things will not be shared.

A "summary" is perfectly possible without telling all about the young client. Most parents are keen that their child is helped, and accept this as necessary.

Contracts

Any therapist will set up a contract with the family or the child, or both, about what the aims are, what the rules are, and what is confidential and what can’t be because of safeguarding issues.

A business contract will be made with the parent for payment purposes if the sessions are privately organised, and with the child for counselling purposes if they’re under 16.

This is a broad-brush mention of contracts here for now. But it's something to check out with the counsellor at any trial session or on the phone beforehand.

Initial contact

Here are some pointers to remember when you're first talking to a counsellor about the possibility of arranging sessions:

  • Speak by phone first, or at school if it’s a school counselling service, and ask them about their experience of dealing with the issues you feel your child has. 
  • Ask them about their way of working. They will want to see your child and make their own assessment, but don’t be scared of asking.
  • Ask about a trial session, whether in school or privately – for the latter, this should be free or at least reduced in price. Perhaps a shorter session to see how your child gets on with the counsellor.
  • Talk about how many weeks you're committing to. And if paying, what the system is and what happens if you have to cancel.
  • Ask about their insurance. This might be individual, through the school, via the agency or charity, or somehow else. But in the unlikely event of a dispute or an accident, you need to know upfront.
  • Ask about their supervision. All trained counsellors in the UK must have their work supervised. They will not name their clients to their supervisor, but they will discuss the work and how it’s progressing and talk about anything that’s concerning them. This ultimately is for your and your child’s safety.

I have tried to give you enough information here to ensure you can safely find the right person to offer your child some professional, helpful counselling.