Two lifestyle changes that can make a child anxious

Lifestyle changes provoke high levels of stress and anxious behaviour in some children. Others are ultra resilient to what life throws at them.

The difference in reaction could be genetic, but often resilience is to do with living in a stable family where emotions are faced and dealt with. This leads to a bounce-back factor.

On the other hand, in the age of the internet, smartphone and all things digital (“Siri, play the last track again!”), children find it very hard not to expect everything to happen instantly and perfectly. Frustration levels can be high in the 21st century!

Money problems and deteriorating neighbourhoods are changing many people's lifestyle. And they can't be made right instantly via a smartphone.

Let's look at those challenges in turn.

March 2022, during the Russian invasion of Ukraine

The number 1 challenge below (money problems) has suddenly intensified for all of us, and it’s impossible for your children to not have become aware of a war being fought at the edge of Europe.

Because of war, the chance of financial hardship – or at least financial challenge – has just risen many-fold. It stems from various new issues including

rising inflation
sanctions and/or war in countries that supply staples to other countries
soaring heating costs due to higher energy bills
businesses closing or cutting output of food due to their own impossible costs etc.

This is clearly going to affect, in some way, our children’s home life, the choice of food we can provide them with, their shoes and clothing, their pocket money, and leisure/holiday activities with their families.

So what can we do about their anxiety levels rising yet again on top of what they’ve been through recently during Covid19 in terms of messed-up freedom, people they know getting very ill or dying, missed learning, and lost opportunities to socialise.

The best antidote to becoming stressed out is what many countries have known all along: children need to play. They need playfulness, humour, reliable adults around them, a sense of being protected by us, and a keeping to normal routines.

That’s in addition to growing their resilience, as we talk about below. For instance, helping someone else is a key factor in becoming resilient: how about finding a way of helping refugees? Promote positive thoughts!

And also you will need to limit what they imbibe from us, the news media, their phones and the school playground.

OK, you can’t avoid that last one! But you can answer their questions in a suitable way and limit what you share in terms of the household challenges you now face.

For instance, it’s okay (this is just my opinion, remember) that children know they can’t have everything because some things are no longer available, there’s a world problem right now – but not so good to share worries such as, “I don’t know how we’re going to manage, what with the cost of everything.”

I think, as ever, it’s about managing our own anxieties first (admittedly, that’s getting harder by the month!) so that we can help manage our children’s anxiety.

I’ve heard children in the therapy room come out with family issues they should never have been aware of.

On the other hand, we can’t realistically protect them from knowing about Ukraine, but we can protect them from some of the detail that might derail their mental health. Let’s give it a go.

The world’s become more dangerous this year, but as parents it’s up to us to just do our best. As we usually do.

There are many family activities that help us keep communication lines open with our kids and help in the fight against anxiety. You can find them in the strategies section.

Lifestyle change number 1: money problems and debt

One of the most anxiety-provoking changes to a child’s lifestyle results from a sudden drop in family income.

Loss of jobs (especially high during and after the Covid-19 pandemic) has brought misery and financial difficulties to lots of families.

Poverty is often worse in single-parent families anyway, and losing the one job there is can be the last straw for providing the food, clothing and extras that the child needs.

But even supposing the money worries have only just begun, a child will still pick up on the stress as it starts to filter into the family atmosphere.

Parents don’t tend to want to talk to children about money problems – shame, blame, anger, depression obviously need to be kept from them – yet in the absence of proper facts, children will imagine.

And their imaginings may grow to monster proportions even if there is no need yet. Or at all.

What can be done?

So if you have been subject to job change, loss or other financial challenge, try to ensure your child knows you will look after them first and foremost and that you, as the adult, will work out what to do.

This is a good attitude for the child to pick up, instead of anxiety. It demonstrates the strong, stable relationship that is what matters most to children when families have challenges.

[If money is getting to be a real problem, do approach Citizen’s Advice for help and pointers before things get desperate. Debt, in particular, can be dealt with in better ways than an ever-growing number of credit cards.]

I will give tips on helping your child to develop resilience in a minute. But first, the second lifestyle change...

Lifestyle change number 2: unsafe neighbourhood

Another anxiety-provoking lifestyle change for a child is when drug gangs and county lines start infiltrating the area where you live.

No one can control this, and it’s a nightmare scenario. I've had children speak to me of “older kids at the school gate” who start talking to their friends who then get “secretive” or stop being “best friends for ever”.

Child’s talk – but worrying. As adults we suspect they're feeling that something is going on, without quite knowing what. And we know what might be going on and the red flags shoot up.

What can be done?

When the atmosphere of a neigbourhood changes – whether due to drugs, gangs or simply businesses closing and high streets becoming no-go areas – our children’s highest need is for emotional and physical safety.

Emotionally they need to be absolutely assured that we understand their fears and anxiety and will work with them to make sure they’re safe.

This means really listening to and validating their anxieties. There is more help on this in my Strategies section.

Not everyone can move house. So physically, we may have to walk them or drive them to school for a little longer than usual.

If this bothers them, maybe drop them off a little way away from school and then watch they get there safely. And again, listen to them for clues as to what is actually fuelling their anxiety.

Three ways of helping an anxious child with these lifestyle changes

1 Keep their emotions in your focus and provide ways of talking. Remember to talk about these lifestyle changes at their level and within their concerns. There are lots of ideas for how to talk with your child about emotions in my Strategies section.

2 Help them learn skills of rephrasing negative thoughts as positive, creative ones. If you can't afford to let them go on an outing, for instance, instead of “Everyone else is going to see the film. I’ll be the only one not going,” help them re-think the opportunity as “We can choose a great programme to watch on television, with toast and juice (or whatever!) and have a sleepover downstairs afterwards and invent bedtime stories.”

Clearly you could come up with a more enticing activity(!), but you get the idea. Provide something exciting and home-made instead that will provide a story to tell back at school or with their friends. They didn't just miss out because you couldn't afford to send them.

3 Encourage resilience-building in your child from early. It will never go to waste. But even now, when you find your child is anxious and you suspect it’s to do with changes to your lifestyle, you can start working with them towards resilience.

Here are some ways to start building resilience

Teach them to choose a goal and do it, keep at it, and complete it – come what may. This empowers them to take charge of what they can control despite lifestyle changes.

Show them how to think positively about themselves and their abilities. This doesn’t mean thinking they’re brilliant. Acknowledging they’re only half brilliant and that someone is better at some things is far more realistic and useful!

Encourage them to eat, exercise and sleep well. They are taught a lot at school these days about food. Help them to adjust it to what is now possible in your family situation and then make a plan, together, that covers all three areas. You may find you all benefit!

Find a fun way to have a de-stress time each day, perhaps in the evening, even when there have been lifestyle changes. Maybe as a family, but certainly with your child. Encourage them to name worries and emotions, writing them on a slip of paper, and putting them in a special place (basket, box, whatever) and letting them go. Invent a phrase to say while putting the slip in the box. Maybe something fun or catchy like: “Stay in there, get out of my hair!”

Encourage your child to help someone else in a small way. Maybe a friend, or perhaps a neighbour. A quick call to a grandma to say hi, or picking some flowers for someone poorly. Whatever seems right. But empowering your child to be a helper not a victim is super important for resilience. Don’t forget to ask them for help yourself, when it’s appropriate.

If possible, enrol your child in a club or organisation. Junior football teams are fine, and so are the Guide and Scout movements and others you may know about. The sense of belonging, being in something bigger than themselves, and the chance to have fun in a safe environment with others, helps children develop a shield against the outer world that will help them bounce back from challenges and disappointments when their lifestyle has to change.

Some books for children living in newly challenging circumstances

I love My Strong Mind – three books by Niels Van Hove that deal in turn with developing mental strength, positive thinking, and setting goals and working hard to deliver on them. They’re illustrated books for children, but are great for reading with them and discussing, hopefully before lifestyle changes occur. Then they'll be better equipped to deal with them.