Rigid thinking and your anxious child: how to create movement

Rigid thinking and acting is not just a symptom found in autistic children. We all get anxious about changing habits because

something might become uncomfortable and embarrassing
something different might not work out well.

So we don't change. We think the same. We do the same. We become inflexible!

In extra-anxious times, and especially for our children, this can escalate to rigidity. A bit like how a rut can get so deep you can’t get out!

I don’t think this is quite the same as stubbornness. If your child is stubborn, they refuse to do what you ask or change their mind – and it happens in response to a particular issue on a particular day. Possibly every day – but it’s different in essence. Because then they may well agree to do it, given enough persuasion or reasoning, or even threat of no iPad time!

Of course, stubbornness can be a symptom of anxiety too. But I’m thinking more of a rigid pattern of thinking and behaviour on a day-to-day basis that encompasses most things.

If your child’s become unwilling to try out new things or is reluctant to work on their anxious feelings and thoughts so that they can, here are some ideas that will provoke some movement towards flexibility.

Sometimes your child just needs a little persistent but playful help to make that leap out of rigid thinking into fully enjoying life again.

We do need them to make that leap. If they’re always anxious about changes, and have to know exactly what to expect in any circumstances, that’s not helping them in terms of good mental health. Life isn’t like that.

Causes of rigid thinking in children in general

Developmental Stages: During certain developmental stages, children may exhibit rigid thinking as they try to make sense of the world around them. This rigidity can be a part of normal development. It can happen after a specific destabilising event that they can't understand at their developmental stage.
Need for Control: In some cases, children may develop rigid thinking as a way to exert control over their environment, especially if they feel uncertain or anxious. Maybe a lot of changes have happened at once like a new school and a house move, or a parent leaving and money becoming less available for the usual treats.
Limited Experience: A lack of exposure to diverse situations and ideas can lead to rigid thinking, as children may not have developed the ability to consider multiple perspectives. Abstract thinking doesn't develop till around 12 years of age and even then is slow to become adult-like. You need abstract thinking to imagine different scenarios!
Cognitive Styles: Some children naturally have a more concrete or black-and-white thinking style, which can contribute to rigidity. Some of the activities I suggest below will help unlock a less rigid, more playful thinking style.
Environmental Influences: The family environment, parenting styles, and the behaviour modelled by adults can influence the development of rigid thinking in children. I guess we need to look at ourselves sometimes and wonder where our children got their style from!

How might rigid thinking show up?

Remember, as you read this, that I'm referring to both neurotypical and neurodiverse children. Finding one of these traits in your child doesn't mean they're on the autistic spectrum – or indeed NOT on it. It just IS!

And there are many ways we can start to tackle the issue before jumping to a professional opinion, unless of course there is a growing history of many similar traits that you find worrying.

Difficulty with Changes in Routine: Your child might become upset if their usual routine is disrupted, such as a change in the school schedule or an unexpected detour on the way to the park.
Strict Adherence to Rules: They may be inflexible about rules, unable to adapt them to different contexts or understand exceptions. Their developmental level may stop them understanding that "don't go out of the gate" doesn't mean "any time at all"! Understanding rules and following rules starts early and continues to the end of junior school years. And sometimes a previous life experience might have made them unwilling to bend rules even when they do understand. If you're parenting an adopted child, bear that in mind.
Limited Play Patterns: In play, a child might insist on using toys in only one specific way or following a strict narrative. Let them watch you play differently, with no pressure applied to them that your way is "right". Have fun together, laugh and joke.

The following three are well known as possibly applying, in some measure or other, to a child on the autism spectrum, but remember there are many other reasons one of these rigid thinking patterns might not indicate autism.

Difficulty with Transitions: Transitioning from one activity to another can be challenging, and they may need more time or help to adjust. At a certain age, your child might simply be so engrossed they need to finish what was in mind. Or timings changed, which unsettled them. Routines help here, but of course no parent can keep routines unaltered day in day out!
Preference for Familiarity: A strong preference for familiar foods, activities, or environments, and a reluctance to try new things. This can be another age thing. After a chaotic day in school, a child will naturally want things to be safe, familiar and welcome at home. It's part of their security – home is home.
Literal Interpretation of Language: They might have trouble understanding sarcasm, jokes, or figurative language. Even if your family is often full of puns, joking, different use of language and all the other clever things we love, your child – developmentally – can accept this as normal but still not have the faintest idea what the puns and jokes mean! Language is literal until they develop their speech understanding more. And think: Ever met an adult who simply cannot get their head around how to do cryptic crossword clues?? They're not un-clever, just more literal by nature.

Cognitive flexibility and rigid thinking

There's a significant amount of research focusing on cognitive and behavioural flexibility in both neurotypical and neurodiverse populations, including children without autism.

Judging from the abstracts of some of these papers online, one key area of focus in this research is the relationship between cognitive flexibility (the ability to adapt thinking and behaviour in response to changing demands) and various developmental and clinical conditions. The research explores how cognitive and behavioural flexibility develops across the lifespan, how it's affected by different disorders, and the neural mechanisms underlying these processes.

Researchers obviously wish to understand the broader concept of cognitive flexibility and how to enhance it. In the meantime, we can look at a few ideas you can instigate at home now!

Let’s have a look at four ideas to start moving rigid thinking aside

1 Play a game and change the rules

Let’s be clear – your child changes the rules, not you!

The aim here is to put power in the hands of your rigid-thinking child and make it a game. The game being a meta game.

You’re playing a real game but the real game is getting them to change a rule at some point “to see if they can make you anxious/cross/frustrated, or even beat you more easily”!

Which games to play? Well if they have a favourite board game, that will work well. Or if you’re shooting goals in the garden, that’s fine too.

If you have a good app on your phones, maybe they can set a time limit and see if they can beat you within that limit better than playing it out to the end.

And favourite card games can easily have rule changes. Whatever springs to mind one day.

Children of 6-12 years of age love rules-based play. So that’s a good opportunity to try and loosen the rigid thinking.

If you can’t find an opportunity from the current repertoire, why not suggest to your child that you make up a game together? There’s a great idea here if you want an easy one to make and vary.

2 Set up a reward system for being flexible – ignore the rigid thinking

Some parents approve of reward systems and others don’t. So take this or leave it – or maybe adapt it?

How about noticing even the smallest thing your rigidly thinking child does. OK, we’re going for tiny details here! Maybe

they sat in a different chair
took a different animal to bed
ate something without the usual complaints
agreed to share a toy first time you asked
chose a different mug
didn’t squabble with a sibling

It’s always good to reward the behaviour your want to see instead of commenting on the behaviour you’d prefer they left behind!

Whether you use stars, or 5p pieces or points towards a treat, the rewards – and seeing them build up – are incentivising.

What’s not so good is to have a daily chart (as in, try and gain a point a day) because this sort of chart means that the holes in it loom large in your child’s mind. This becomes discouraging. Simply reward the desired behaviour so there's less focus on rigid thinking patterns.

3 Burst the balloon

If you can stand balloon bangs – and many children with sensory issues might not be able to cope with this one – blow up a few balloons and label them in felt pen with the rigid thinking.

Eg: "I have to have a red toothbrush." "This train has to go there, like that."

This is a wonderful way for your child to realise they have power to change things. And it might just be fun, too!

What is it your child will not change? Sock colour? Food choice? Visiting a dentist? Whatever causes anxiety because they refuse to change their rigid thinking. Name it. Write it on the balloon.

Bat each balloon around between you, taking turns – and making it a game to keep it in the air as long as possible. Then come up with a bursting idea (bearing in mind eyes need protecting). Maybe a sharp long stick. Maybe a two-footed jump and stamp on it. Verbalise that they don’t have to stick to keeping that particular balloon/way of thinking. More fun can be had by getting rid of it! That’s the moment to stamp it out!

4 The “What Could Go Wrong?” game

Cut 10 slips of paper or card, big enough to write a short scenario on (see below for examples). Choose everyday scenes you child might meet up with. Pile them face down in front of you all.

Put out on the table a bowl of rewards/tokens to collect: pebbles/glass beads/Smarties – or anything else you deem okay!

Here are some scene suggestions to get you started. Make them relevant to the age of your child and the kind of life you live:

Going to the cinema
Taking a bath
Walking to nursery/school/childminder
Going to a party/sleepover
Shopping for new shoes
Watching a TV programme etc.

How to play:

Take turns to be the starter. Person one takes the top card and reads it out loud (or has help reading it!).

Everyone else has to state a different thing that might go wrong – ie a problem that could occur. Every good idea earns one of your tokens from the bowl.

The person who picked the card then has to say how they’d solve one of the problems someone mentioned. If they think up a good solution, they get their own reward pebble. Be lenient – it’s the thinking that counts most!

Then they put the card aside.

Next person turns up the next card and reads it out for everyone else to comment on. And so on. Until all cards are used up.

Decide what you’ll all do with your rewards (well, the ones you can’t eat!). Make it interesting. Fun and inflexibility/rigidity can't go together!

As anxiety about change is often at the root of rigid thinking, it's crucial to maintain open communication with your child. Listen to their concerns and try to understand the reasons behind their rigid thinking. Empathy and understanding go a long way in helping them feel secure enough in your love to start embracing flexibility.

There are many other fun ways to start introducing your child to flexibility and a willingness to look at alternatives. You'll notice them as you start looking for them. Try introducing a few into the life of your child if they’re getting a bit rigid in their habits.

However, change from rigid thinking doesn’t happen overnight but it trickles in – and anxiety levels will gradually lower around the general idea of being flexible to do things differently.

Note

If your child has an autism diagnosis, obviously you’ll be nurturing their daily life in the best way possible already. If you want a link to some similar, but different, ideas from the ones I've offered here, try this page at the Autism Awareness Centre.