School refusal and the link to anxiety

School refusal is a tad further along the continuum than simply a child not wanting to get out of bed and pack their school bag!

There’s something adamant about this kind of refusal – nothing on earth will make your child go.

School refusal could be due to a phobia about school – but that would probably involve panic attacks at the moment of having to face it.

It could also be separation anxiety – but that, too, would probably be seen alongside pleas and clinginess at the last minute.

The type of school refusal that I refer to here, as a symptom of anxiety, is different. And it’s important to get to the bottom of it.

To help with that, you’d have to ask yourself a number of questions. Poor attendance (or rather, poor learning) will badly affect a child’s life chances if it's not made up for elsewhere.

And more than that, a visit from the truancy officer (if such things happen where you live) is not nice to deal with!

Some questions to ask about school refusal

Is your child over-tired so they’re anxious about managing at school. Many children these days fall asleep at their desks due to having spent hours at night on their devices.

Is your child totally lacking in energy – and could their diet be lacking certain nutrients they need? Are they refusing certain foods? Lack of energy will also lead to anxiety about coping with school – school is not easy to manage.

Has your child become physically ill in a way that's not obvious straight out? It can pay to have a doctor check this out.

Has your child developed depression alongside being anxious? Mostly this factor would not show a sense of defiance and resistance, but again, it’s worth checking.

Is your child really scared about something that will happen at school – regularly? This could be bullying but might also be a teacher’s attitude that is simply too much for your child to bear.

Has your child a fear of missing out (FOMO) on something that's happening at home during the day? This could be a parent who's ill – who they think might need them or have an accident when they're not there. Or a parent who's anxious themselves and the child feels responsible. Or maybe extra special fun is happening with a younger sibling who's not yet at school.

Is your child spending all their spare time on the internet? Specifically playing a particular game? If you’re also finding it hard to make them stop for meals and sleep, then this game-playing is becoming addictive. They can't countenance going to school because an “addict” who can’t access the object of addiction will get anxious, then panicky – feelings we all wish to avoid.

How can you sort out school refusal?

The key with school refusal of this kind is to remember there is an emotional component.

Your child has high-intensity emotion because of one of these factors, or another similar one that I haven’t listed.

It’s therefore the emotion you’re dealing with. Not the great battle to drag them out of the door on a morning!

The usual “treatment” for school refusal is cognitive behaviour therapy. This is because thoughts are causing the particular feeling/emotion, which then drives the avoidant behaviour. If you change the thought, the feelings and emotions can – and will – also change.

I’m not saying you can flip your child's thought just like that! I wish!

But that’s the focus of the conversations you should start to have with your child. Or if not you, a child therapist (see here for help in choosing one).

For younger children you do these conversations less overtly, while playing and chatting perhaps. But you yourself know what you’re looking for in terms of their not-very-helpful thinking.

So there are a couple of important strands to this intended conversation with your child about their school refusal:

1. Have conversations or play times (according to age) with your child when you really listen, empathise and respond in the way described here. In this way, you can work with them to understand their anxiety.

If they fear something really exciting is happening at home when they’re at school, assure them they can have the fun at another time and that you understand.
If they’re scared of something at school, such as a teacher (some information is on the perfectionism page) or a bully, then assure them you will deal with it.
If they’re actually worried about you or a sibling who has an illness, then help them understand the situation and answer questions in a suitable way to help them be able to leave the anxiety behind and attend school during school hours.

2. Decide on a routine that will be kept to. This is hard but makes a miraculous difference because children thrive when there’s a routine.

If your child’s ill, they must follow the doctor’s advice and then return to school.
If they’re permanently low and sad, they might be depressed. Consult the GP and follow orders!
If they’re not eating properly, then offer various foods that have the needed nutrients, let your child choose which ones they’ll eat – but then they have to eat them.
If they’re using devices late at night or in the night, lock them elsewhere.
If there’s overuse of internet gaming, limit it by whatever means you can and stick to it!

There is an alternative approach to school refusal

This is a possible way forward when you have exhausted all the points above that should have made a difference. I wrote a post on home schooling, but here are some comments.

Remember, you know your child better than anyone else.

If you feel that it’s possible and would help, you can consider taking your child out of school (well, officially! They’re already out) and allowing them to learn at home for a period of time – a year, two… permanently?

There is no legal requirement for a child to be in school. The law in the UK says they must be educated. This page has the Government notes on the matter. Some important points there cover the issue of when you need permission and when you don’t.

Another excellent site that will have most of what you need to know initially is Home Education in the UK.

And yes, I have been there and done this, and no, it’s not for everyone, nor even possible for everyone.

The one point to remember today is that it’s not for those children who are addicted to internet gaming! That’s an issue that needs sorting out first.

Want to think through home education?

Cover of home education book called Can't Go, Won't Go by Mike Fortune-Wood, dealing with school refusal

There’s an interesting book on home education by Mike Fortune-Wood: Can’t Go, Won’t Go.

It discusses many scenarios and thoughts, but also has lots of case studies that will help you decide if this is a good and viable option for your child.

Talking to teachers and getting school on board to help

The BBC has put out a useful general article in their Bitesize Support portal that might help you liaise with school from the time you realise something is bothering your child.

It's a good way to go about things anyway, but also good if you know you cannot have your child at home to learn – for all sorts of reasons like

you, or both of you, are working,
you don't feel up to it, or
your child would miss out too much socially in your particular circumstances.

Have a read?

When there's a problem, any tiny bit of info you glean could be the one that paves a way to solving the problem!

QUICK CHECK: SCHOOL REFUSAL

School refusal can stem from different anxieties, such as a phobia, separation anxiety, or a more generalized anxiety.
Ask questions to understand the underlying causes.
Addressing school refusal involves engaging with your child's emotions, not just the behaviour.
Conversations or therapeutic play can help children express their anxieties and fears.
Establish a routine and address any health or lifestyle issues.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help change the thoughts causing the anxiety.
Home education is an option if other strategies don't work – it's legal but not always doable.
Communication with teachers and the school is important to find a resolution.