Anxiety About School: How to Help Your Child Thrive

blog59 anxiety about school

You may not immediately realise your child has anxiety about school – about things that happen in the playground or classroom. But the same physical and behavioural symptoms will be noticeable as for any other anxiety – and may occur specifically around the time after and before the school run.

If not at those times (because children can mask feelings really well) perhaps anxiety about school is affecting your child’s life at home – in which case you’ll be noticing symptoms such as lack of concentration or changing moods, tantrums or withdrawal. Maybe bedwetting or fear of the dark.

Any symptom of anxiety, anywhere at any time, can be caused by something at school – yet your child has never said school is a problem.

Of course, younger children may not be able to place the cause or verbalise it.

Older children may feel ashamed or simply manage by displacing the behaviour to out-of-school life after spending all their energy coping at school.

We’d all prefer schools to be fantastic, safe places of learning and socialising. But that isn’t always the reality.

So – watch out and catch all symptoms that start to look ‘not like your child”.

And then let’s work out how can you help your child thrive when they have anxiety about school.

Dealing with what’s causing anxiety about school

One sign that all is not well beneath the surface can be unreasonable or OTT nervousness. In other words, nervousness gone into overdrive.

If you’ve taught your child how to cope with normal anxiety and they’ve already tried all the breathing exercises, you will realise they can’t manage the level it’s risen to.

At this point, you don’t want to be asking “why” because children rarely know how to answer the WHY question! 

And you do need to NOT give in and immediately let them stay at home “sick”. It doesn’t work long-term and hinders rather than helps!

So what’s the best course of action here?

Two ideas to help deal with anxiety about school

1 Try laddering – upwards or in reverse

Here’s the first idea that has worked well with other children showing unusual anxiety about school.

Upwards means asking in turn, “what’s important about that?” and then asking again about their answer, “And what’s important about xxx?”

Reverse laddering means asking, “What might go wrong with that?” or “What’s the worst thing about that?” Again, gently keep the question going, naming their answer in your next question.

Be sure not to show disagreement or scorn or try to negate their answer! You wouldn’t, but you get the idea. You’re digging deeper or climbing upwards each time and it’s going to get to the root or the main worry.

Example: 

  • "I just don't want to go today."
  • "What's important about that then? What's good about not going into school today?"
  • "It's better at home."
  • "What's important about everything being better at home?"
  • "No one tells me what to do. There's more time to do what I like."

You get the gist? Taken as far as your child can verbalise things, you might find out a teacher is not giving enough time for your child to get something done before being hurried on. This makes school stressful.

When you find out the most they can identify, you have the information you need to help them.

This might take the form of

  • rehearsing a situation in advance to get their mind used to it, 
  • talking to the teacher if it’s a learning issue,
  • using one of our resources to help work through it, or
  • challenging the school on their no-bullying policy if it’s not working.

You will know best what to do in the light of knowing your child best.

2 Try a process reward chart

Here’s a second idea if you feel your child has no obvious grounds for a reluctance to go to school and you haven’t managed to unearth a specified problem to deal with. Or if they don’t have the words to tell you and haven’t shown you in their play.

Look on it as a stop-gap that may solve it. And if it doesn’t, you know to think again or get help.

For this, however, you need to construct a menu of items to tick off, which puts your child in charge of gaining rewards.

By the way, I’d never suggest rewards if your child has a specific anxiety issue – that’s sticking-plaster treatment!

But as an initial response when no information is coming forth, then this might help.

Method: With your child, prepare a list of what happens in order before you set off for school.

Post-its or similar are a good idea, as your child will name things randomly and out of order. “Packed lunch” and “pick up bag” and “check reading homework is done” and “get dressed” can all appear. Accept them. If your child can write, get them to jot each on a slip. 

When all items are listed – including “breathe deeply” and “think of something good that will happen” – get them to line up the slips in the best order to make the school routine happen. 

You can then transfer it all to a larger sheet in the agreed order (you might need to insist on the odd point being in your order!) to put somewhere prominent with spaces for ticks. 

Agree a “reward” for each day where all items are ticked off without fuss, and run the project for a week or so. Points can add up to a better reward. Don’t spend their inheritance!

Where does this leave you when your child has anxiety about school?

Firstly, you may find out it’s just “anxiety in general” and nothing specific has occurred or is occurring. In which case, it might be a phase, or after a SATs season, or just they haven’t felt so well recently. If you’re not sure what is normal and what is not, have a look here.

Secondly, if the laddering or any other form of talking together reaps significant information, you have an idea about which way to jump.

There is further information about school and being bullied on the website, and many other strategies to help your child grow confident and resilient in the face of normal issues they're learning to deal with. 

But parents are a prize resource because, as I always say, you know your child best. Give it a go?

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