How the Blended Parenting Recipe Helps Avoid Anxious Children

We’ve heard of blended families. Well, I was thinking about some of the parenting styles that can cause a child to be anxious.

And I realised most of us hope to use a healthy blended parenting recipe of many styles. This would mean that, effectively, we’re helping to avoid bringing up anxious children – or at least over-anxious children.

But it doesn't always happen in reality.

Why and how? Well, if we home in on a single parenting style all the time, the consequences can cause anxiety in a child.

I'll look at some of those styles and reasons in a moment.

But one other thing first. You’ll also have noticed – like I have – that often the so-called blend is just two different parenting styles alternating, not really blending at all. Mostly the result of one parent acting one way and the other another way. More like putting butter and peanuts on our bread rather than peanut butter!

This often results from our own upbringing. Each partner either aligns with how they were parented or goes against it, depending on what they thought of it!

But this isn’t a proper blended parenting recipe. So it, too, can have unwanted consequences. For example, the child will beg the other parent to disagree with the first one, or say to the first one, “But they let me!”

But if we can manage to think and plan for how we really want to parent, we'll realise a blend is best. After all, no single way to do anything is correct all the time! There’s a good and a not-so-good time for most things in life! Why not parenting styles too? 

So – blending a number of styles in this way brings the opportunity for 

• pre-set basic rules,
• reasonable discussion on new occasions, and
• a consistent approach from both adults that your child can rely on.

And we deserve a medal for managing it! If we haven’t so far, well it’s never too late to adjust!

So here are 5 parenting styles that singly might cause anxiety but together lead to an excellent blended parenting recipe that offers your child resilience against anxiety.

1 Eggshell Parenting

• Inconsistent parenting approach, leading to uncertainty for your child.
• They may become cautious, clingy and anxious due to the unpredictability of their parents' reactions.

Example: A child who experiences eggshell parenting may be hesitant to share their feelings or experiences with their parents because they’re unsure how their parents will react.

This lack of open communication can hinder the parent-child relationship and the child's emotional development, and lead to a feeling they can’t manage tings ie anxious feelings. This is what leads to clinginess and separation anxiety.

2 Helicopter Parenting

• Overly involved parents who try to control every aspect of their child's life.
• Children may struggle with independence, decision-making, and problem-solving skills.

Example: A helicopter parent might constantly monitor their child's academic performance, social interactions and extracurricular activities. They may also interfere in school stuff, such as always approaching teachers about test results and homework, without allowing their child to handle these situations themselves.

This level of over-involvement – especially as your child gets older –  can spoil their ability to develop self-reliance and confidence. They need to know they can manage difficult situations. If not, they’ll find them anxiety-producing.

3 Tiger Parenting

• Highly demanding parents who push their children to achieve high levels of success.
• Your child may feel immense pressure and experience stress and anxiety related to performance.

Example: A tiger parent may insist that their child practices a musical instrument for several hours each day, enroll in multiple clubs and activities, and maintain a perfect academic record.

While your child may well then excel in certain areas(!), they might also suffer from burnout and a lack of time for personal interests and relaxation. Down-time is essential for feeling OK about life in general and managing anxiety.

4 Free-Range Parenting

• Parents who encourage independence and allow their children to freely explore and learn from their experiences.
• Children develop decision-making skills and a sense of responsibility but may lack “acceptance of authority”.

Example: Free-range parents might allow their children to walk to school or a nearby park independently, allowing them to develop a sense of autonomy and learn to navigate their neighbourhood safely.

But although it gives your child the freedom to explore – which lets them build resilience and problem-solving skills – this is a one-sided approach that can lead to rebellion against structures they have to accept. Accepting “what is” and dealing with it is important for not feeling provoked into anxiety and fear.

5 Permissive Parenting

• Lenient parents who have few rules and limits for their children.
• Children may lack self-discipline and have difficulty understanding consequences.

Example: A permissive parent might allow their child to come in late after school or go out without saying where – with no consequences.

Or they might allow their child to consistently overlook household chores or responsibilities.

As a result, your child may struggle with time management and accountability, and fail to develop a useful work ethic. This leads to trouble and anxiety down the line when they meet up with other things they simply have to conform with!

Less anxiety comes with a blended parenting recipe!

Although this is an interesting run-through of how we might parent if we don’t think about it, there’s no need for worry! Most of us try to use a combination of these styles to some extent.

And that’s what I’m calling a blended parenting recipe. It moves and flows with the day and occasion, but not unpredictably or inconsistently.

If we truly want to be effective in bringing up children who aren’t overly anxious at the first sign of a problem, we need to balance and blend as many of these styles as possible – appropriately.

You'll know how to do it. We just need to be aware of what's going on and adjust!

I've seen parents do it many times.

For years, in my therapy room, I witnessed parents who

• wanted their children to roam free so they would feel happy; or
• were seriously strict because they saw what happens in the world if you don't "control" your child; or
• chopped and changed according to which parent was in charge that day...

And sometimes I ended up gently helping the parents more than the child – because once they could agree on a blended parenting recipe that flexed when necessary but had basic rules, the child suddenly became OK again! Children are emotional barometers for their parents.

Every one of those parents wanted the best for their child. No dispute on that. They'd come for help, after all. They loved their children.

However, the fact remains, it's this blended style of parenting that magically brings a balance between

• being fabulously nurturing and supportive, while also
• managing strong and appropriate boundaries that promote healthy development and wellbeing for years to come.

Give it a go?

Sign up for the Anxious Child Help newsletter
Don't miss the latest additions. My monthly digest newsletter will list them for you. [PS Check your junk folder afterwards for the activation email!]

ALWAYS:

Trust your instincts,
use your judgement, protect the spirit
of your child