Changed behaviour as a release of pent-up anxiety

The changed behaviour I’m discussing here will be: 

  • restlessness (unable to settle or concentrate) and 
  • aggressive outbursts. 

[I will talk about obsessions and compulsions on a different page. This is because they’re not usually the result of pent-up emotions.]

If you find your child has aggressive outbursts over a period of time – when they used to be calm, helpful children! – they’re probably facing some fears and anxieties stemming from something you may not have picked up on yet.

In the time before this outburst, you've maybe noticed them getting restless and unable to concentrate on what they’re doing or what you’re saying. 

This is a sign they’re wrestling with something – and that the emotions it brings up are getting too hard to deal with. 

Then it all gets too much and the pent-up anxiety floods out. It may look like a tantrum, or tearful yelling, or sheer defiance and shouting. But it will be unavoidable for them by that point. We all know how that last gram of added weight breaks us apart.

child showing changed behaviour

Two things are important with this kind of changed behaviour:

1 Help your child to know that damaging outbursts can't be allowed because someone will get hurt. 

2 Assure them you realise and understand something difficult has provoked them and you will help them get to the bottom of it and find a better way to deal with it.

Clearly, just not wanting to go to bed (on an occasional basis) or help with the dishes (their chore this week) is not the sort of outburst we’re talking about. That's not worrying changed behaviour. That’s more a matter for having rules and consequences.

This is about changed behaviour that's of concern because it’s not like your child.

That’s why the two things I mention above are important: 

  • Your child needs the security of a boundary (number 1: because they know they’ve lost control) alongside 
  • words that show you understand what they themselves haven't yet understand (number 2: you prove you have them “in mind” – really important for your child to grasp).

Strategies to use when changed behaviour is of concern

It’s going to be obvious that we need to sort out the anxiety that’s fuelling the build-up of emotion behind the changed behaviour!

How to do that? It's best to start de-escalation when you first notice a certain anxiety always starts fuelling pent-up emotions in their body. The supermarket is not the best place to have to deal with an explosion!

Communication and outlets to relieve the build-up of changed behaviour symptoms

I'll look at two very specific tactics below, but first some ideas to diffuse things along the way!

Open communication at an early stage.

When you notice the anxiety begin to build up, try any of the communication tactics you already know how to use, such as

  • actively listening (show you are by ums and "oh, I see" and reflecting back what they say)
  • showing empathy with their problem feelings
  • asking open-ended questions that help the communication (don't ask for no yes or no answers!)

Provide a calming environment immediately.

Try to de-escalate things before the outburst by switching tactics, for example turning on some calming music or starting a joint, completely different task they enjoy helping with. One you've gained some  time, you can open communication as above!

Supply intermediate or long-term permissible outlets for growing aggression.

This might be joining a boxing club, judo, running in the park, or simply having a punch bag in their room. It doesn't solve the reason for the growing pressure but it does keep it within bounds while you work out how to deal with the root issue.

Keep a consistent routine despite growing signs of an outburst.

If your child feels they're getting out of control of themselves, it's really helpful to them to know you are strong and unchanging. Do communicate and help but don't give in to changing a routine –because that makes them feel even less safe! They'll likely explode sooner.

PLEASE SEE the CAUSES PAGE to try and work out what might be fuelling the coming explosion. When you know the possible cause you can more easily start dealing with it in whatever way helps your child cope.

Two strategies for very different causes

Let’s look at two very different strategies. (There will be others that also work, of course.)

  • The first targets a difficult fear or task that could be looked at in mini-stages in order to overcome it. 
  • The second looks at the sort of situation where a child keeps having to face something they fear will go wrong or that they'll fail. And each time adds to the anxiety and fuels the outburst.

1 The Stepping Stone challenge

This is useful where there is a fear or phobia about something that a child could work their way through with your help. You help by cutting it into manageable stepping stones.

The idea is to work out some steps that will help a child be gradually de-sensitised emotionally from the scare while their thinking brain remains engaged and interested.

My diagram offers 10 possible ideas for fear of cats – but spiders, dogs, babies, and even mud (and many other things) are equally manageable in this way.

I simply brainstormed some ideas here – any small steps you think up will be fine. They don't have to match mine.

Stepping stones diagram to overcome a fear

How to use this idea to help change behaviour

Write your ideas on slips of paper, and make sure there are two blank ones extra. 8-12 in total are fine.

Choose a calm time with your child, and no distractions, and start like this:

  • Show them the slips and tell them the magic is in using them as stepping stones so that when they’re all “stepped on” one after the other, the fear and anxiety will be super easy to deal with, like having crossed a stormy stream. And the good thing is they get to choose which order to try in.
  • Ask if there are two ideas of their own to add in that they think might help.
  • Then ask them to consider all of them and put them in some sort of order from what they think will be easiest to the hardest. This is their order, not what you imagined when writing them! They write the number on in pencil – pencil means they can easily re-order them after a while if necessary.
  • When they’re all lined up and numbered, ask you child to pile them neatly with the number one on top. This will be the one they reckon is dead easy! (Make sure there are one or two in that category!) The trick is then to say that the magic isn’t allowed to start till tomorrow.
  • What does this “magic” procrastination do? It ensures your child is keener to get going than you thought they would be. Their interest is piqued: there’s some hope in sight and some fun things to do. They can hardly wait to start ticking items off!

How will this change behaviour that's become unmanageable due to anxiety? As ever, it helps remove the problem at root. 

But if the changed behaviour has less to do with an ongoing fear and more to do anxiety in general, try the next idea.

2 The Butterfly REPOH challenge

This is a two-part activity to use regularly as you teach your child to calm themselves when overloaded. You can’t start to sort out the anxiety that causes changed behaviour while they're in overdrive.

This can be a family fun thing you all know how to do and practise regularly. Then you only have to start it off in time of need. It works for everyone! Give it a try?

The Butterfly Tap

Cross you arms in front of you to make butterfly wings and gently alternate tapping on the shoulders, slowly and rhythmically for a few minutes until calm. Breathing and heart rate will soon start to slow down.

The butterfly tap resets the body’s systems to “normal”. It’s needed as the first part of the activity because when we're overloaded (triggered), our thinking brain goes offline and survival mode kicks in – leading to the tears, shouting, outbursts and aggression.

REPOH

When your child is calm, you can change to REPOH. Make sure the whole family knows how to do this before you need it.

After your child has calmed enough, acknowledge that an activity or task is proving too much for them right now. Remind them that practice at doing it will make it feel easier after a time:

 “Treat anxious thoughts like a wave: you ride it till it reaches the shore and stops.”

Obviously, it's good if you've taught this as a fun activity with a purpose long before it's needed. Your child will accept the suggestion better: "It's what our family does."

Do the actions with the words, as in the diagram above. Make exaggerated differences of voice or tone to make it more fun.

I’ve used this in school assemblies, and children are keen to offer to come and lead the activity on stage with me. They can mostly remember the routine better than I can!

This is not a "quick fix" for changed behaviour but a tactic to use all the time in the family when anything needs practice to get good at.

Children these days – especially after the 2020-21 pandemic – need help to concentrate, practice and deal with upsetting emotions. Avoiding them doesn't work.

Many changes of behaviour stem from anxiety.

We can help them to find ways through the anxiety and manage it better. And their self-esteem will also grow when they do so: “I can.” 

So how do you know when their changed behaviour is due to serious anxiety or simply normal anxiety?

I've written a blog post on how to differentiate normal from worrying anxiety. It doesn't mean you shouldn't try to diffuse the coming storm before it breaks and find out what's bothering your child – but it does help you know whether these behaviour issues need professional help or simply fall to you as a long-suffering parent to deal with them!

As always, if you have ongoing concerns that things are not improving, please use my Help page to find a children’s counsellor in your area who can help your child a bit more.

One more thing...

You can have fun identifying how your child views and manages life and the world by using a free download from the authors of How to get the Kids to Say Yes! The download is here and although it is pretty obvious how it works, it's best to read it alongside the book. Because no child is all one type, as they explain! But looking into it may well reveal some ideas for coping with changed behaviour.

Cover of How to Get Yes book

TAKEAWAY

  • Restlessness and aggressive outbursts in children can indicate pent-up anxiety.
  • Recognizing and addressing the root cause of anxiety is crucial, alongside maintaining boundaries and understanding.
  • Early communication, providing calming environments, and engaging in activities that offer relief can help manage symptoms.
  • Identifying the anxiety's cause is essential for effective management, with a focus on both immediate and gradual strategies to alleviate anxiety.

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