Changed mood over a period can be caused by anxious thoughts

Changed mood is something that parents notice quite quickly: "He didn't used to be like this" or "I can't think what's come over her lately" are the sort of comments I hear.

You get into a routine of managing your child just how they are. Wonderful. It makes life easier. 

Shoe sizes may increase, trousers may get too small – but changed mood? Oh, they’re “good little helpers”, “sound sleepers”, “always happy” or “dead curious about things”. 

So it comes as a slap in the face when your vivacious child withdraws completely from playing family games. 

Or your eager child can’t be bothered to try new things any more. 

Or your outward-looking child wants to cling to you all the time or stubbornly refuses to go on an arranged play date.

Sometimes, on the other hand, you notice they're changing their mood rapidly in the space of one day: one minute all sunshine, next in tears. Or careful and studious, then taking mad risks and doing stupid things. Maybe they're all calm and then suddenly fly into an explosive outburst that shocks you all.

Whether it's rapid, instant mood changes where there used to be stability, or a complete mood change that's seems set in for the long run, you're obviously concerned.

What’s going on?

child looking in a mood

Children’s changed mood (and also changed behaviour) is a message. It communicates something far more strongly and clearly than words can.

Let’s have a look at those scenarios in turn, and ask what message they might be sending:

  • The vivacious child withdrawing from social things: “I can’t do this because…”
  • The eager child lacking in motivation: “There’s no point in doing anything, because…”
  • The outward-looking, confident child clinging to you: “I need an adult with me because…”
  • The confident child stubbornly refusing a playdate: “I can’t go there because…”

I’m suggesting you consider that they might be anxious about something. And anxiety is mostly caused by negative thoughts.

So, if we imagine completing those sentences, we might spot a negative thought process behind the changed mood:

  • “I can’t do this because people will laugh at me if I get it wrong.”
  • “There’s no point in doing anything because I’m no good.”
  • “I need an adult with me because something scared me last time.”
  • “I can’t go there because something might happen here while I’m gone.”

What are negative thoughts?

They’re thoughts that tell your child’s brain something that’s not very helpful to them – and may not even be true.

You can immediately see why the ends of those sentences above are not helpful. 

What's needed is a more positive version of the thought – thoughts dictate our feelings, so they're powerful and need controlling! We can help children to learn this skill. 

How can you help your child when they show changed mood over time?

One way to think about your child’s changed mood is to ask yourself: 

  • When did this start? 
  • What else was happening at that time in our life, or in my child’s life?

This will maybe give you a cause. If you haven’t visited my causes of anxiety page, do have a look. 

You can use the same thinking even if you're faced with your child changing moods rapidly in the course of one day when they used to be stable. The whole scenario (becoming easily disrupted and volatile) is what you're looking to find the cause of in this case. When did it start?

You may find the mood change started when you moved house (a transition), or after some event like local flooding that your child didn’t understand properly (news). Maybe someone had a car accident and it was talked about a lot (vicarious trauma). Maybe you lost your job and money's now tight (family situation). Maybe something changed at school.

The idea is to link the start of the changed mood with something that might have kicked the anxiety off. You then know what you’re dealing with.

Other times we have to be more subtle!

First, acknowledge the message. 

  • “I think you’re telling me you’re worried.” 
  • “I’m really sorry you feel worried about (taking part/leaving me/trying this). That’s an awful feeling to have.”
  • “I’m guessing you’re worried something bad will happen if you go. Am I right?”

I’ve done two things here: I’ve used the word “worried” instead of focussing on the child’s mood (“Why do you sit there doing nothing?”)

And I’ve given them an opportunity to say more without feeling judged or wrong.

They may not have realised it’s worry that’s making them feel like they do. So they now know you’ve understood them and you care. That’s a pretty good start. You could add a hug in, alongside your gentle voice!

Second, choose a quiet moment to find out more about what’s worrying them. 

Changed mood doesn’t happen for no reason. So getting to the bottom of it, like I suggested above, will help your child back onto a healthy path as soon as possible.

Taking into account how young or old your child is, here are some suggestions for starting the conversation:

1 When your child is doing something, join them and do it alongside. Eyeballing with a parent is never much fun, so doing a shared activity (however small and trivial) is a good way to set up a more relaxed atmosphere.

2 If your child has withdrawn from shared family activities, try asking what they would prefer to be doing “that won’t make you worry so much”. Maybe other family members can join in with that instead. 

The worry about joining in with the family activity can be linked to fear of losing, being shamed, feeling silly etc. You may never know what started it. But sometimes, by taking control and choosing the activity, your child will find proof that it’s fun to be back in the family group, nothing bad happened, and they can gradually get back to their previous state of happiness.

3 With a young child, and if they have a favourite stuffed toy, ask them how they would help this animal or "person" to go somewhere they were worried about going. Literally get playing with this idea, carrying it through as a game, following your child’s lead. Be imaginative. Act it out. 

It may work, it may not. But you may find out what’s at the bottom of the changed mood simply by playing it out with a toy as a substitute. Play is your child’s natural method of experiencing and learning about life.

4 If your child is perhaps feeling no good at anything, try to find out what happened. Maybe it was just one bad event, like being laughed at in class. Maybe taking part in club sessions when everyone else is more skilled (drama, choir, football etc). Self-esteem is at stake here. 

If it's about a single bad experience, it’s important to hear them out, empathise with how bad it must have felt, and wonder aloud with them what they’d like to happen next, so their life isn’t spoilt by this sadness. Maybe change the activity group they go to. Maybe, some other solution. They will have good ideas.

You can also help your child realise they have their own skills, and encourage them to take up something they will fit into really well.

5 If an event (like a house move, divorce, change of school or community emergency) triggered the change, focus on that. Spend special time talking about that event, because lack of understanding can trigger anxiety, and anxious thoughts trigger the change of mood – maybe withdrawal, clinginess, stubbornness or lack of motivation to do anything.

6 Encourage a physical activity if low mood seems to be the most pressing change you’ve noticed. Physical activity releases feel-good hormones – and that makes most things more manageable. 

Something fun and daring might be the thing that pushes them to agree to do it – running round the park with you three times, climbing the nearest hill and timing the climb, even building a den in the woods. The sort of thing that captures the imagination – rather than “Let’s go for a walk”.

These are only suggestions for you to adapt to your child’s needs. You know your child best.

If these feelings of low mood and changed mood go on for more than a few weeks, and you’re not making progress, do please consult my Help page and see if you can find a good children’s counsellor in your area. (I also wrote a blog post on the subject too.) A few weeks or months of low mood out of a child’s life is a long time, proportionately. And you don’t want to risk the mood turning into depression.

Bonus suggestion

Keeping a record of things that go well, or that we’re grateful for, is a good way to slowly lift mood and change direction with our thoughts and feelings.

One excellent book for this is Today is Great by Vicky Perreault, published by Rockridge Press. (This is an Amazon link but I make no income from anything you buy.) 

It has beautiful, simple spaces for your child to write things in – one for each day, set out in weeks, but with extra fun ideas mixed in.

Today is Great cover image

TAKEAWAY

  • Mood changes in children can indicate anxious thoughts.
  • Such changes can provide insights into what the child is feeling.
  • Strategies include acknowledging their feelings, discussing worries, and encouraging mood-lifting activities.
  • Consulting a professional is advised if mood changes persist.


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