Think Before Disclosing Your Child’s Worries

Not disclose your child’s worries? It sounds like something out of a dictatorship’s rule book! So please take it with a degree of leeway and make up your own mind. I simply want to note a few occasions when it might be wise to hold back information – and why that’s possibly a good move.

And of course, I don’t mean “not to anyone” – if you’re seeking professional help, you’ve got past this stage and you'll share what you know so the professional can help your child. Makes sense.

This is about sharing with others – relatives, parents, neighbours, friends, your child’s peer group etc. According to a poll in summer 2003, around 56-57% of parents turn to friends and parents at the school when they have a worry about their child.

So – let's look at three possible reasons why parental discretion might be a better move, at least at first.

Three reasons why you might not disclose your child’s worries

1 Your child’s worries may be something they’ve only just dared speak about

If you find your child is worried about something that's either very serious, very “silly” or very difficult to put into words, be ultra careful about passing this on to others who do not necessarily need to know.

If your child only just dared speak about it, they're vulnerable. And the reason is that your child’s thinking is not yet developed far enough for them to know 

• exactly what the consequences will be,
• who else will find out that they’d rather didn’t know,
• if they’ll regret you sharing and lose trust in you, or
• something horribly embarrassing will follow.

2 You cannot expect to insist the other person will not tell someone else about your child’s worries

We all know how it happens: you tell someone “in confidence” about your child’s worries, and they then tell someone else, mentioning also that it’s “in confidence – please don’t tell anyone else”, and so the story gets round.

But unlike that old whispering game that’s meant to result in hilarity as the message gets changed, the ending is usually something far worse than hilarity for your child.

Moreover, some people that you might tell may have a duty to pass the information on. You’re then in a serious quandary because you know your child best and that person doesn't.

Remember the saying that two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead? Maybe a grain of truth in it?

3 In a school gate situation, passing on your child’s worries can make or break their ability to have good friends

I’ll give examples of all these in a moment, but other parents will all have a judgement to make about anything that’s happening to your child or in your family.

In the whole history of school-gate talk, I’m pretty sure more children have been damaged than helped.

Parents have such sway over who their children is allowed to talk to or play with, and so much influence over who can be invited round or included in an outing.

It can go very badly for your child if you haven't thought things through or decided what's best for your child at this moment in time.

What situations and scenarios does "not disclosing your child’s worries" apply to?

Probably most! At least until you’ve thoroughly assessed posible outcomes.

But let’s look at a two examples to gain a perspective on why not instinctively disclosing your child’s worries is worth thinking about.

1 Your child is frightened to go to a party. 

Your instinct is to gather support from a couple of other parents whose child is going. You mention your child is frightened they won’t have the right present to give or no one will play with them etc. They'll feel “different”, left out.

The other parents agree to ask their children to stay with or help your child. They probably explain to their child why. Looks good so far.

Then on the day, one of those children gets cross with yours and throws hurtful words at them. Calls them a scaredy cat; "no wonder no one likes you"; rubbishes something they’re wearing; walks off leaving your child in tears, which draws attention to them.

Your child now has more worries than before and has endured a traumatic experience made worse by the words thrown at them. Children cruelly repeat what parents say.

What can you do that’s better?

This is a common social anxiety issue among children. The most effective way to prepare for such times is to start early with helping your child learn the tricks of the trade for these social occasions. A few that help are these:

• Teach them confidence in lots of other things so they have a basic resilience.
• Practice useful social skills like helping another child or being friendly to a shy child.
• Help them learn ways of “putting on a mask” if you like – pretending everything’s all right, smile despite feelings, and how this strategy actually changes the reality by changing the ingredients.
• Share how you’ve felt yourself in similar circumstances, and how you manage to give anxiety the boot.

2 Your child is having a difficult time on social media.

If your child's worried about not having so many online friends as others have, or getting some malicious comments, you obviously feel like tackling the parents of the offending children who are leaving your child out or trolling them. But what might happen if you take this route?

It can inadvertently lead to a worsening situation. Other children will know how few of their friends “like” or “follow” your child – or even talk to them. And the parents may intervene – trying to be helpful – and focus even more attention on what your child perceives as a problem.

It’s obvious how this can escalate and how it's worth considering keeping an element of privacy around your child while you help them deal with things.

What can you do that’s better?

The first road to take is

• understanding your child’s feelings,
• offering support and 
• helping your child find solutions.

If you can help your child with understanding what’s happening, how to cope and how to grow their self-esteem away from social media, you will at least limit your child’s exposure to criticism and sheer nastiness.

Every child wants to be included in the in-crowd. It’s natural. But it’s possibly much more benficial to your child in the long run to cultivate two or three close friends offline and away from the lure of online chat, any influencers and the false portrayal of reality you find on social. With a couple of friendships they're secure about, you can be sure that the long-term damage of social media is kept under control.

Of course, the other really important thing to do is ensure they know what is safe to say or share online and what they should never put out there. Be age appropriate but you can use the nastiness and feelings of shame they have to illustrate why they need to keep some things to themselves. What's kept private can't be used against them. It's a good basic start for all children, even if it's not the whole solution in the end.

And monitor for yourself what they’re up to! They will always live with social media so they need to learn to deal with it from an early age.

Parental discretion and not disclosing your child's worries randomly

Parental discretion has suffered a few unfortunate setbacks since the advent of Facebook! They're used to sharing so much about their lives that they can accidentally start sharing their child’s worries as well.

However, remember, I don’t know your situation or your child. So I offer this idea of non-disclosure just as something to bear in mind when you’re with relatives, friends or school-gate parents.

Keeping quiet has gone out of fashion in the interests of being authentic and genuine in our emotions. I'm simply saying that balance is usually the best tactic when bringing up children. Nearly every problem brought to me in the therapy room was a result of some unbalance somewhere in the child's system.

If your child's anxiety is at an early stage, you’re the best person to help tame your child’s "over worrying", so – trust in yourself initially and start helping them without spreading the worry to others with possibly unexpected results. Go for it?

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ALWAYS:

Trust your instincts,
use your judgement, protect the spirit
of your child