Anxiety About Setbacks: 5 Ways to Diffuse it

two children in a boat in a storm to illustrate diffusing anxiety about setbacks

Remember when a setback meant it had rained on your washing? Or you’d missed the train and would be late to your friend’s birthday bash? Setbacks have grown in size recently – and anxiety about setbacks has matched this growth with its own inflationary sense of “I can’t manage” – and the anxiety has rubbed off on our children.

The figures for children and teens needing help are increasing exponentially. So we need to step back and look at the nature of setbacks. There’s no other way to survive and thrive!

This is not to undermine the size of recent setbacks. People have died from previously unheard-of causes; and there are job losses, a cost of living crisis, shortage of products due to supply chain issues, cancelled holidays and more. The list is endless.

But what all these things have in common is: “Will I be able to manage?” (anxiety is always future focused) and the fact of passing the anxiety on to our children. You can’t avoid that last one unless you find a way round it.

And the way round it is to diffuse it. Which is what this post if about!

Why diffuse anxiety about setbacks?

If you immediately associated “diffusing” with “bombs”, I’m not surprised in the current climate. But it’s a great analogy, actually.

Anxiety is a time bomb. If left untreated, it can lead to 

  • loss of friends
  • clinginess
  • poor behaviour as an expression of upset
  • total lack of enjoyment
  • depression
  • and many other things you definitely don’t want for your child.

And just like the best way to tackle an unexploded bomb is to gently go in and slowly and carefully diffuse it, so too with anxiety about setbacks.

Why diffuse it?

1 Anxiety stops your child leading life to the full. The list above clearly demonstrates a downward trend in wellbeing. We need to avoid that for our children.

2 Setbacks really are a normal part of life: no sense of setback, no sense of success! Think about it. If a toddler can’t recognise a bird, they won’t understand “not a bird”. If a child doesn’t know sadness, how will they recognise joy? Setbacks and success link in the same way. Just ask that Edison man who supposedly invented lightbulbs after 1000 failed attempts!

3 Modelling how you deal with anxiety about setbacks, encourages your child to trust you through all your family setbacks, and they learn how to manage their own smaller setbacks as they grow up.

Of course, children have anxiety about lots of things that are not particularly “setbacks”. But for any events you could honestly call a setback, we need to look at how best to deal with them.

So here are five ways to start diffusing anxiety about setbacks that I hope will help you find a way through with your child. The last thing you want is to pass on so much anxiety that your child needs a counsellor. The waiting lists are too long!

How to diffuse anxiety about setbacks: your 5 best bets!

1 Be open about what the setback is

Usually when we clam up about something, our children learn that it’s something to be ashamed of. We may feel secretive and reluctant to shout our setback from the local hill to everyone on the high street, but we do need to find a way to be honest with our children that there is a setback. 

For instance, why is one parent at home now? If you don’t say they no longer have a job because the firm is in difficulties, what might your child think? That the police are after that parent? That they’ve done something bad? That they have a terminal illness?

Or: why can't they have the particular birthday present they asked for? If you don’t say that spending needs to be reined in for a while, what will they think? You don’t love them? You didn’t hear them? They’re not worth it?

So think about what can be said to let them know there is a setback – and add that you'll deal with it and you’ll all come through in the end.

2 Think about what you can and cannot share about the setback 

This will be according to your child’s age and understanding, of course. There’s no point in talking above their heads, because their imaginations will go into overload. And you don’t want them sharing private things indiscriminately with their friends, anyway.

But there’s a need to explain why things have changed, and a need to find a balance in how you do that. You’ll know better what it is than I do, because you know your family.

The thing to remember about anxiety and setbacks is that although it may be a big deal to the adults, the aim is to portray the basic facts without trauma or so-called dramatics. In other words, you digest the whole scenario you’re facing and then feed it to your child appropriately.

But do remember to mention 

  • that it’s a setback, 
  • that life never promised us there’d be no trouble, and 
  • that instead of just being anxious you’re going to find a way through. 

That’s the bit your child needs to learn. Not to be over-anxious but look for solutions along the way. Funnily enough, speaking the fact out loud sets you own brain on a new track to doing just that!

3 Encourage participation (as appropriate) and positive energy

Once there’s no secrecy and shame, and once there’s some basic information on the table, you can encourage their participation.

Get them joining in with ideas that will help the family. For example, if you need to save money or energy (same thing these days!) or walk instead of using the car, try to be positive and gain their help as willing allies. It limits their anxious response to a changed situation.

The idea is to involve your child in the present in your setback scenario in a positive way. Remember we said anxiety is future focused? That’s why we need to ground them in the present  but with lots of other activities to occupy their minds too. 

This is not refusing to face the future. It’s refusing to give in to pointless worry about the future. Planning a way forward is much more positive. And your child needs to learn how to react positively when they have their own challenges, and therefore overcome anxiety about setbacks. 

4 Keep adult-only conversation away from children

This is a difficult concept in light of what I said above. Is keeping it away from them the same as secrecy and shame? 

No! It’s just recognising that any detail that is NOT appropriate to be shared is only discussed or chewed over when you can be sure they're not within hearing. You'll still have to rein in your own anxiety, though, because children will pick that up from us despite us not sharing. They’re sponges!

So it’s a win-win if you can handle the private adult detail safely elsewhere, as well as the child-focused side of things when you're with them.

Some current setbacks are very serious for some families. This is not to ignore that fact. But if you even half achieve this balance you'll have moved your child out of the danger zone further down the line for anxiety issues about setbacks.

5 Model how this is just another learning situation

You child will not be immune to challenges of their own. They'll need to learn from them if they're not to be flattened by them!

So – always find things in your child’s life that are setbacks for them and link to those when talking and explaining. Maybe they didn’t get into Set 1 for Maths? Perhaps they weren’t chosen to be class monitor. However trivial it might seem in the face of your current troubles, these are setbacks your child must learn to deal with. 

Setbacks – however alarming they are right now – are learning situations that crop up all the time while we're alive. Even the Queen has setbacks!

Situations and challenges – what's in it for your family?

So in the midst of a year of unpleasant things happening, full of setbacks for many families, you at least have an ideal opportunity to make links for them and help them through both your family situation and their own challenges. In the process, you'll find it brings about

  • more communication, 
  • a feeling of belonging to a loving, cohesive, strong family, and 
  • rewards for them later as they become resilient themselves.

You’ll be proud of them when they mention – as adults – how you taught them to be resilient as children! Go for it?

TAKEAWAY>>>>>

  • Nowadays, setbacks and anxiety have become bigger for everyone, including kids.
  • To make things better, we need to deal with anxiety about setbacks in a helpful way.
  • Talk openly with your child about setbacks without making it a big deal.
  • Share information with them in a way they can understand, without keeping secrets.
  • Involve them in finding positive solutions to the challenges you face as a family.
  • Avoid discussing adult issues when they can hear you, and also be mindful of your own anxiety around them that they might pick up on.
  • Teach them that setbacks are learning opportunities and part of life.
  • By connecting with your child during tough times, you build a strong family bond and help them become resilient for the future.

A book you might find helpful in thinking about how to quell everyone's anxieties about setbacks!

Cover of anxious Kids book to illustrate anxiety about setbacks

Wilson and Lyons wrote this book a few years ago! But it's one of the few books I know of that deals with both parent anxieties and child anxieties and how they can get mixed up – and describes excellent ways to steer a course through them. Together! See what you think?

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