Boundaries: Keeping Them Safe Or Keeping (Real) Life Out?

blog 27 boundaries

Have you ever ranted at your child when they come in late for tea and then wondered if you acted just a teeny bit extreme? You wouldn’t be alone with the thought! Boundaries for children are so tricky to organise.

But how did that idea spring up? Well…

I was reading a book (The Book of Trespass) about the land and its ownership and how – over hundreds of years – it came to be parcelled up and used as a commodity instead of for the use of everyone.

Yes, I know that’s an odd starting point but bear with me. 

As I read, I kept being reminded about fences: they were supposedly to keep animals in but ended up keeping unwanted people out.

And that led me to wonder about boundaries for children, and discipline, and what’s needed and what is over the top.

In other words, how do we set boundaries (which help a child thrive) and move the boundaries outwards, gradually and safely, as they get older? 

The discipline side is about enforcing the boundary for your child, of course. 

But at that moment when we ruefully wonder if we went over the top – what’s happening? 

Is that “oops” a sign we maybe should have allowed the boundary to grow with them – but have been desperately trying to keep them ultra safe within an old boundary instead?

Dilemma: 

Keeping real life out longer than we should is not helpful or healthy for them emotionally.

But – relaxing the boundary far too early leaves them 

It’s a delicate and challenging business making boundaries for our children every year of their life! Parenting is not easy.

Which begs the question…

How can we set boundaries for our children effectively and appropriately?

I can only approximate here, but I expect you’ll agree with me in broad outline, and adjust the ideas according to your particular situation. The point is to consider where the fences might go.

Let’s try looking at three ages. 

Aged 5

Some appropriate boundaries for a child of 5 could include:

  • Not talking to strangers, or crossing the street without supervision; wearing a helmet when riding a bike.
  • Bedtime happens NOW! With a calming activity and established routine.
  • Only short bursts of screen time? Encourage other activities?
  • Behaving according to your house rules.
  • Helping put toys away and learning to help you with small tasks.

Of course, a 5 year old is still developing their understanding of rules and boundaries! Don’t expect miracles, but do hold the line while helping them comply. 

Aged 8

An 8 year old has a better understanding of boundaries – school will have helped with that! But what’s appropriate?

  • Helping with simple chores before doing their own thing?
  • Maybe increase to an hour or two of screen time per day, but draw the line at screens in the bedroom. FOMO all night is a mental health wrecker!
  • Maybe expect an 8 year old to understand consequences of their unwelcome actions and follow up in whatever way your family decides is appropriate.
  • Help your child respect the boundaries of others – understanding personal space. As well as applying that to themselves and learning to say “no” if they’re uncomfortable.

You’ll probably have to be flexible because no two children mature at the same pace. It’s just a guide for where you might place the fence so you don’t have those awful afterthoughts.

Aged 11

This is where some trouble can start around setting boundaries for children because your child is more independent and developing their own sense of self. They’re off to big school, after all very soon. 

So you’ll need to have been moving your fences gradually over the preceding years so they can survive the sudden sense of freedom and find what excites their spirit as they become teens.

Try these for size:

  • Teach some boundaries by, for instance, knocking before entering their room, not reading their diary without permission, and not sharing personal information without consent. They learn boundaries by osmosis within the family!
  • Screens to be turned off during dinner or a family film night? This is simple politeness – helpful for when you have visitors too.
  • Homework before going off with friends at the weekend? That’s setting their own boundary to ensure things get done!
  • Help them learn to think things through so they can take full responsibility for their actions when out and about. You are not going to be supervising them much longer! That’s another sort of boundary – behaving themselves OK out in the world.

Where does that leave us with boundaries for children?

The thing to remember is that every time you move a boundary outwards appropriately you’re encouraging their growing independence. 

Which brings us back to where we started. 

  • Are we shutting them in/restricting them too much? 
  • Are we shutting them off from the chance to learn what real life is like out in the wild?

It’s hard to get it right.

But if we want to avoid too many of those “did I overreact?” moments, it helps to at least review the fences from time to time – and have the nerve to fix them in place when we’re sure about them!

Give it a go?

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Here's an article that offers another perspective on the same topic – and yes, we agree! 

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