Anxious or Manipulative Behaviour: Which is My Child Showing?

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Is it anxious or manipulative behaviour your child is showing? It's quite a complex question – and one that parents can disagree on, especially when well-meaning relatives or other parents accuse you of letting your child twist you round their little finger!

So let’s look at the research first and determine if there’s a cut-off line where we can assume maybe one or the other is happening.

What does the research say about anxious or manipulative behaviour?

Children, especially those under the age of 7, will act based on self-interest and seek rewards. This will assuage any anxiety they feel about not having whatever it is. This is developmentally appropriate behaviour. They have a need, which engenders anxiety, and they seek to satisfy it. 

They’re not capable of understanding morals and ethics. We teach them gradually, but it takes many years for them to understand and extrapolate from even those rules they do abide by. For example, they may learn not to snatch toys because “it’s not nice or friendly” – but that doesn’t mean they can apply that to aother situations or really get to grips with why!

This means that behaviour that others consider manipulative, such as seeking approval or avoiding feared situations, is not necessarily morally driven, as it might be in adults. An article in Child Anxiety Support emphasises that manipulation for personal gain is not seen in the same moral context for children as it is for adults. It suggests that both anxiety and attempts to influence others can coexist, underscoring the importance of addressing the underlying issues rather than labeling the child's behaviour simply as manipulative.

As you know, in Anxious Child Help, we always aim to look at root causes and solve them, rather than label a child. I hate labels!

What are the differences between a child and an adult with anxious or manipulative behaviour?

Young Children (Under 7 Years of Age)

Developmentally Appropriate Self-Interest: Young children are naturally self-centered due to their developmental stage. Their actions are primarily driven by desires and needs, without the understanding of moral implications.

Learning Social Norms: They’re in the process of learning social norms and boundaries. Their behaviour is part of exploring how to interact with others and what reactions their actions elicit. They may even grin while doing it! But it’s not manipulative really.

Limited Understanding of Manipulation: At this age, children have a limited understanding of manipulation as a concept. Actions that might seem manipulative are often straightforward attempts to fulfill their needs or desires.

Reward-Oriented Behaviour: Their actions are often directly related to seeking rewards or avoiding negative outcomes, not from any understanding of the ethical or moral concerns.

Adults

Morally Driven Manipulation: Adults are mostly capable of understanding the moral and ethical implications of their actions, including manipulation. Their manipulative behaviour is often strategically planned with a clear understanding of right and wrong.

Complex Social Understanding: Most adults have a complex understanding of social norms and use this knowledge to manipulate situations or people to their advantage.

Intentional Deception: Adult manipulation often involves intentional deceit or exploitation of others’ weaknesses for personal gain, in full knowledge of the ethical implications.

Moral and Ethical Awareness: Adults are usually aware of the moral and ethical dimensions of their actions. Manipulative behaviour in adults is considered morally driven because it reflects a choice to prioritize personal gain over ethical considerations.

So those are the basic differences in understanding and intention between your young child's behaviour – which might appear manipulative but is part of their development – and an adult’s manipulative actions, which are ethically and morally driven.

Examples of possibly anxious or manipulative behaviour

For a Child (Under 7 Years of Age):

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Scenario: A 5-year-old child wants a biscuit before dinner. When told no by one parent, the child goes to the other parent with a sad face, saying, "I really wish I could have a biscuit.” If the second parent isn't aware of the first parent's decision, they might give in!

Example Interpretation: This behaviour might seem manipulative to you, but from your child's perspective, they’re simply exploring different avenues to fulfill a desire. Their actions are driven by immediate gratification, not by an understanding of manipulation or moral implications.

For Most Adults:

Scenario: An adult employee wants to leave work early and knows their boss values dedication. The employee fabricates a story about needing to deal with a sudden, personal emergency, playing on the boss's sympathies and the boss's trust, even though the employee actually has social plans.

Example Interpretation: This adult's behaviour is manipulative and morally driven. They understand the ethical implications of lying and intentionally deceive their boss to gain personal benefit, leveraging emotional manipulation (claiming a personal emergency) to exploit the boss's sympathy and trust.

These examples help us see the contrast between a child's behaviour, which is a part of their natural development and understanding of the world, and an adult's manipulative behaviour, which involves moral and ethical considerations.

How can you help your child learn about anxiety and manipulative behaviour over time?

Dealing with behaviour that seems manipulative in young children, but is actually developmental in origin and likely anxious in some way, requires super patience, understanding and strategic guidance on your part! But who said parenting was easy??

It's really hurtful to hear someone say your child is manipulative. So make sure you have these facts at your fingertips if your child is still young so you can refute the comments. But also be aware of the steps (below) that you can take to ensure you have the most sweet and caring child in the neighbourhood!

Here are some steps you can take to draw a line (eventually) between anxious or manipulative behaviour:

1. Understanding and Empathy

  • Recognise that what might seem like manipulative behaviour is a part of your child’s normal developmental process. They're learning how to navigate their desires, emotions, and the social world around them.

2. Consistent Communication

  • Ensure that both parents (and other caregivers) are on the same page regarding rules and responses to specific behaviours. Consistency is key in helping your child understand boundaries and expectations.

3. Positive Reinforcement

  • Use positive reinforcement to encourage desired behaviours. Praise your child when they express their needs or desires in appropriate ways. This helps them learn effective communication techniques without resorting to what adults might perceive as manipulative tactics.

4. Teach Alternative Strategies

  • Help your child learn alternative, constructive ways to express their needs and desires. For example, teach them to use words to explain how they feel and what they want, rather than acting out. Role-playing can be a fun and effective way to practise these skills.

5. Set Clear Boundaries

  • Establish clear and understandable boundaries for acceptable behaviour. Explain the consequences of crossing these boundaries in a way that your child can understand. Follow through with these consequences consistently if they cross boundaries.

6. Emotional Intelligence Development

  • Foster your child's emotional intelligence by talking about feelings, emotions, and how actions affect others. This helps them develop empathy and understand the impact of their behaviour on those around them.

7. Provide Choices

  • Give your child limited choices to help them feel a sense of control and autonomy. For example, instead of a direct command, you could say, "Would you like to put on your pajamas first or brush your teeth?" This approach reduces the likelihood of power struggles.

8. Model Desired Behaviour

  • Children learn a lot by watching adults. Model the behaviour you want to see in your child, including how to deal with disappointment or unmet desires in constructive ways.

9. Seek Support if Needed

  • If you’re concerned about your child’s behaviour or if strategies aren’t working as expected, don’t hesitate to seek advice from a child therapist. They can offer tailored guidance and support and your child may not even need to attend sessions.

Remember, the goal isn't to suppress your child’s attempts to express their needs or to navigate their world but to guide them towards doing so in a socially acceptable and constructive manner as they grow up.

With patience and the right approach, you can help your child develop the skills they need so they’re not anxious enough to become manipulative to avoid the feeling. Give it a go?