Family Rituals: Building a Barrier of Protection Against Anxiety

Did you "do" any family rituals this holiday season?

I bet you half-answered, “No way!” – because the mere mention of “ritual” these days brings up hints of either ritualistic child abuse or stick-in-the-mud, unimaginative behaviour! And of course, you had fun and a lovely time! We could call them traditions, I suppose.

But hang in there with the ritual idea, because nearly everything we do at Christmas time is ritual:

• the cards,
• present-buying,
• what goes into the meal,
• decorating a tree,
• watching a favourite film after dinner, and
• having long-lost relatives visit (whether you want them to or not!) etc.

I was remembering – somewhat nostalgically – the other day the disappearance of the stocking ritual in our house.

We had so much fun with our stockings as kids that we never needed to open big prezzies till after the "dinner bit" was over. (Besides, my mother reckoned she should not miss out on the fun while cooking!)

But those stockings…

We could only put out our normal socks (knee-high) for Santa Claus, so obviously we got more as we got older.

But finding it magically pinned on the end of the bed with a huge safety pin despite staying awake all night to say Hi to Santa – that was the magic we looked forward to every year!

The satsuma in the toe, the tiny gifts filling it up to the top, the thrill of showing each other what we’d got!

This was a family ritual, like it was for so many in those days.

But we also had a ritual of seven games we’d play, on Christmas Day in the evening, awarding points in order of winners, and tallying the points up later to anoint the overall champion.

Plus going out carol singing in a big group on Christmas Eve. One year we pushed a piano round on a trolley! No door-knocking for charity contributions, but stopping in loads of streets just to sing the old favourites – and people came out to listen, join in and say thank you.

This year, as every year, we ritually watched TV at 3pm – the King's broadcast to the nation. Would he be as good as the Queen? Well, with a pastel-coloured suit and hat, he might just pass muster…

What’s the point of family rituals, then?

Do you have them? At any time of year? Do they mean anything other than you being too tired to change a habit??

Actually, the habit and the repetition are the most important things.

It doesn’t much matter WHAT rituals you choose or already have.

What matters is that your child knows it’s coming, looks forward to it expectantly and is part of your family as it happens.

This means they get

• continuity,
• security and
• safety.

Why do these matter today?

Possibly one reason is that so many constants are going out of the window as the world swings wildly on its axis.

But they each have their own importance as well. So let’s look at them in turn – because, together, they form a barrier of protection against your child's possible anxiety.

1 Continuity of your  child’s familiar family rituals despite a mad world

We depend on continuity to make sense of life. Have you ever wondered why the police knocking at next door brings up alarm, curiosity, rapid heartbeat? It’s because something different is happening. It’s unexpected. You can’t immediately make sense of it.

The primitive bit of your brain is startled. It goes running to your "wise owl head" for shelter, help and some bringing back of order. For a child, that’s you, their parent! When they’re alarmed, you are the continuity they need to make sense of things in a mad world.

The role of family rituals in this is two-fold:

• Your child knows you have a strong family brand, so to speak. “This is what we do as a family.” There's continuity in belonging to your brand.
• And continuity says to them: “We're still here for you, doing what out family does, whatever else alarming happens.”

2 Security against the winds of change that have buffeted your child

I totally get the fact that we don’t have enough mental health services for our children at the moment. But I also totally believe we are in danger of medicalising a normal reaction to the pandemic stringencies.

How so?

Well, schools shut down, social intercourse was limited face to face, masks were worn and dire predictions were made that our children heard about.

As they try to get back to normal, it’s a bit of struggle for many.

• Why would they not be wary?
• Or cling a bit?
• Or fear for a repeat?
• Or not know how to socialise easily?
• Or find it hard to settle easily in new environments (for them).

It doesn’t necessarily mean they have ADHD, depression, school refusal or a social anxiety disorder – although they may have.

It’s best to class these symptoms initially as a normal reaction to very abnormal circumstances and find ways to help them negotiate the difficulties.

So what’s the role of family rituals in this? Again it's two-fold:

• Your rituals construct a secure building around them during the year. It’s the metaphorical equivalent of “your house is your castle”. Somewhere familiar to escape to, to feel secure agai.
• And having security in the home side of life with regular activities together (we’ll discuss rituals in a moment) gives them a breather while they work out how to deal with the tornado of change out in the world – often seriously changed from their point of view. Think The Three Little Pigs and how they finally built a house of bricks that protected them and gave them victory after straw and wood had proved rubbish!

3 Safety in knowing they can rely on you

If you know you can rely on someone or on your whole family, you have the makings of everything that's mentally healthy.

It starts from when you’re born and someone feeds you and responds to your cries.

So – family rituals? When all else seems unsafe, your family rituals happen. They’re not postponed, changed unduly, or ridiculed, but honoured and carried out in a spirit of togetherness.

This is why it’s so important we adults honour our promises and our child's expectations. And in one sense, an ongoing ritual is a promise to our children. They won’t realise it, but the day an expected ritual doesn’t happen is the day they lose faith in you. Nothing is certain after that.

It's destabilising.

So – one important role of family rituals is to bring a sense of safety. Period.

Which kinds of family ritual work best if you want to set some up?

It's good to grab ‘em young and start family rituals from the beginning! But you'll know what rituals will grab your child imaginatively at any age. So mostly I could leave this paragraph empty!

But in case you want a few ideas, here are five that might fit or that might inspire the exact thing you feel would be best for your own family ritual.

Think yearly, weekly, daily, special occasions etc. But I''ll start with Christmas as it’s on my mind today…

1 Why not choose a family favourite Christmassy song (popular, film, carol, whatever) and that’s what you play while you all open presents. Always, every time. It may be yearly, but it’s surprising how many family traditions get carried over when a child marries or sets up with someone later. And if that happens with someone outside their culture, you’ve paved the way for a lovely mixing of traditions from both sides.

2 On the other hand, a family ritual that happens every day is always good. How about a first-thing-in-the-morning kiss for each of your children, with a hug and the words, “Good morning to you, lovely X” – altering just the odd word or action a little as they get older so as not to embarrass them. It’s doing it that counts! It puts in place a “you’re OK as you are” feeling they can carry into the day against worries and challenges.

3 A bedtime ritual is great even as your child gets older. Decide on the order things happen and do them – but the best rituals include a story! It can get more "grown up" as the years pass, of course. It’s  good to read stories they'll love but are not yet ready to read for themselves – and you can read one section at a time to keep the suspense as the stories get longer. The bonus? It gives them a non-anxious world to think about as they fall asleep.

4 Set up one day a week when you'll always have the exact same meal. Make it one the children can help prepare as they get older. So think ahead – it saves you work in the end, but also gives them skill and confidence, which help combat anxieties.

5 What about a holiday ritual? My birth family had a tradition of buying a distinctive bear from a shop in each holiday place we stayed in! We took turns to name them. My married family then had a tradition of collecting a set of postcards from each place (ideas evolve!) – not to send but to keep as a record. What might work with your family?

There are hundreds more ideas out there that count as traditions or family rituals. Whatever sets your family up for

• being happy about the idea,
• anticipating or remembering it’s due to happen, and
• enjoying doing it together.

Besides, turning your focus onto a family tradition or ritual is a supercharged way of changing anxiety into something different, because it changes feelings and therefore gives the brain a break and a boost.

Of course, the family ritual is not the time for explaining all these benefits; just that we parents need to know them!

And a book that explains one ritual really well?

If you want to read more about the fabulously long-lasting benefits of a "reading" family ritual, try The Read-Aloud Family by Sarah MacKenzie. 

She truly gets it. 

Takeaway: how do family rituals fit into and benefit your child’s life?

Overall, family rituals strengthen your family, which in turn lowers the risk of your child's anxieties getting worse. That’s because they

• know you’re there for them,
• feel secure enough to calm down and tackle the issue with you, and
• have a stable home structure built around the things (rituals) your family does that give a sense of permanence to offset temporary turmoil. 

In other words, a barrier of protection. Go for it?

Sign up for the Anxious Child Help newsletter
Don't miss the latest additions. My monthly digest newsletter will list them for you. [PS Check your junk folder afterwards for the activation email!]

ALWAYS:

Trust your instincts,
use your judgement, protect the spirit
of your child