Sleep and Anxiety: a Fear of Missing Out

girl with phone to illustrate sleep and anxiety due to FOMO

Did people have a fear of missing out back in the day when they toiled on the land from dawn to dusk or flogged their guts out in the earliest factories? I doubt it! Sleep and anxiety were not bedmates. People almost certainly went home to sleep, exhausted, and stayed that way till dawn! 

So what’s changed?? That’s what this post is about – sleep and anxiety caused by a fear of missing out. And what’s changed is [drum roll] the internet.

It’s brought golden goodies galore – and I love it as much as the next person. But, along with the internet has also shimmied in – like a bright and shiny jewel – social media, with its irresistible temptation to follow, comment, share and prove. 

Prove what? That we’re still in the loop! We’re terribly anxious in case we’re not.

This is usually called fear of missing out – FOMO.

Let’s have a look at the vicious circle of sleep and anxiety, and FOMO.

It looks like this. If we sacrifice sleep on the altar of FOMO anxiety, we become even more prone to anxiety. That’s because when we lack sleep, we can’t cope with daily anxieties we might otherwise push through with ease. 

It’s therefore a double whammy: 

  • Anxiety we might miss a friend’s comment. 
  • Anxiety heightened all day due to lack of sleep.

But we’re talking about children here!

They’re living in the same social media world and suffering the same temptations. No wonder they’re in an epidemic of anxiety. 

Not only because of world events hitting them for six, but sleep and anxiety issues too, caused by FOMO. The effect on them is even more dangerous than on us. 

How do I know? Research. Let’s take a closer look at that.

What does current research tell us?

The most recent proper research stops at 2017 when the rise in children admitted to hospital with sleep disorders rose by a whopping 50%!

Since the pandemic, however, there's anecdotal evidence to add to that.

This seems to suggest that lockdowns caused a more sugary diet, more screen time and anxiety about the fact of being locked down. This amounts to an insomnia pandemic because

  • screen time affects sleep (blue light blocks melatonin production),
  • sugary diets affect sleep,
  • anxiety affects sleep, and
  • lack of sleep causes anxiety!

The other thing current research tells us is that teens are taking melatonin that their parents are accessing online. This is allowed in America, but in the UK is not licensed for children except if they have a diagnosis of ADHD or autism.

One expert reckons it only adds 8 minutes to overall sleep! Do we really want our children on medication for such small gains??

There's much better proof from therapists that CBT for Insomnia (CBTi) is a better approach. It mostly consists of good bedtime habits. So let's look what children need so we can encourage good behaviours from an early age!

Then we can tackle the FOMO!

How many hours of sleep do children need?

The general consensus is that children of 10-11, for instance, need 9-10 hours of sleep a night. What? Really? Yes (although some estimates do vary). But let’s go with 10-11 hours.

This means being in bed at 9pm on school nights and getting up between 6 and 7am. But you don’t need me to tell you that. 

The reason I am, however, is because the recent research I mentioned has proved children of that age (younger ones use social media less) are losing around one night of sleep a week. They’re only getting 8.7 hours a night.

Why? FOMO, like I said. Sleep and anxiety have become two irreconcilable bedfellows.

It’s understandable, of course, if not advisable. 

At an age when they’re very gingerly starting to move away from our wonderful care and curation(!), they need to keep their friends on side. It’s awful (from their point of view) to feel a friendship group has had a whacky exchange of texts about something totally unimportant (isn't it always!) in the night, which they’ve not been part of it.

But it comes at a cost: the problems that result from insufficient sleep.

What’s the connection between too little sleep and anxiety?

Insufficient sleep in children can lead to many problems, including:

  • decreased brain development
  • learning problems
  • lack of ability to concentrate
  • negative feelings
  • poor behaviour
  • change in hormone levels from the screen's emitted blue light which may be a risk factor for early puberty
  • emotional outbursts (too tired to regulate themselves like they might)
  • disrupted sleep cycle due to disruption to melatonin release that controls it
  • forgetfulness (it's sleep that builds memory)
  • weight gain (due to being hungrier and wanting sugary foods)
  • frequent minor illnesses
  • accidents due to tiredness or risk-taking

And we haven’t mentioned anxiety yet. But anxiety surrounds a child all day when they lack sleep. 

Why is that? They’re fearful simply because their ability to cope is weakened. And that’s on top of any anxiety issues they may have already. 

Coping with what life throws at them requires resilience – and we adults definitely know the feeling of not being able to cope when we’re tired! How much harder for our children when they have so little real-life experience to resource themselves from.

Does this matter and what can we do?

I think it does matter. If nothing else, because there’s a mounting epidemic of anxious children, some of whom are moving towards depression, self-injury and suicidal thoughts at a terrifying rate. 

So, anything we can do to break into this vicious circle of FOMO, sleep deprivation and anxiety has to be a move in the right direction.

Let’s move on to look at three things we might try to implement if at all possible to break the poor sleep and anxiety link.

3 ways to try and alter this FOMO / lack of sleep / anxiety vicious circle

1 Try to put an end to devices in the bedroom.

I know, I know. Who wants to be the meanest parent and the one to say NO first?? But someone has to.

And if it’s any help, when I tried a similar tactic with a family in the therapy room at one point, they tentatively tried it out and guess what happened? All the other parents realised that this was just what they had not been brave enough to do. There was a collective sigh of relief as the news spread among the friendship group. And gradually they all agreed to instigate the change too.

It takes one! It’s hard to be the one, but I guess we’re the adults and they’re the children.

2 Set a social media boundary via a target.

Most phones have parental controls these days. And yes, I realise from my grandsons that they're clever enough to take the device offline and so be able to nullify it (see? I gave you a helpful hint there!).

So, plan B. If you can’t stay a step ahead on time boundaries for using social media, how about setting targets over the number of hours they must manage without?

This means you can have a chart in a visible place and together you can clock up on it the hours when they're not on their phones or texting. This helps in two ways.

1 Clocking up offline times brings the welcome repayment of texting again. 

This is hugely more positive than saying, “Right, time up, get off your phone.” It’s more like: “Go on with you, now. Enjoy catching up with your friends.”

2 The hours spent off social media and texting teach them that they're not missing out and that catching up works fine. 

They just need confidence they will still be acceptable. Help them do this by having phrases available that sound good: “Sorry was awol – taking my lil dog walkies” (or whatever they say these days!).

It’s positive. They didn’t miss because they’re sad; they missed because they were doing something good. Including a photo helps. This tactic puts them in a leading position with their friends not a catching up one.

3 Build up hobbies that mean more to them than texting.

I wrote a previous post about hobbies, and also a strategy item. During lockdown, hobbies flourished again. But not just among adults. And they still count.

I notice my grandsons are always happy to 

  • play football in the garden here 
  • learn to fashion home-made bows and arrows from fallen twigs and branches and have a shooting contest
  • practice juggling with juggling balls they've found on my shelves
  • invent a game we all then play etc.

These are not hobbies, of course, as the boys don’t live here. But they are hours when they’re not even thinking they might be missing what their friends are doing. They simply catch up later.

Would that work in some way for you? What can you encourage your child to take up doing?

This, too, will be instigating a positive way forward to help them resist letting FOMO rule and therefore missing out on healthy sleep!

A small start with a big positive outcome

sea glass to illustrate wearing down the sleep and anxiety problem gradually

When the tides wash and wear down a jagged piece of glass in the sea until it becomes a wonderful collectable item on the beach, we know it’s happened really slowly. 

So too will our efforts work slowly to stop this mad FOMO that’s giving our children a sleep and anxiety problem. 

But it’s worth a try, simply to avoid the anxiety that's coming as a double whammy when they least need it. Give it a go?

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