How to Help When Your Child Says They’re Scared of Dying

blog63 scared of dying

I’ve written before about death and the anxiety it causes in children – and how we tend to bury the topic even when our mortality is staring us in the face every day. If children say they’re scared of dying, our own fear can spring up and cause us to say something silly like, “Don’t be silly. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

Families can end up locked in silence around the topic – mostly because no one knows how to deal with it.

There are now many excellent children’s books that help parents talk with their children at one remove – and that can really help. But here, I want to address specifically the time your child might say, “I’m scared of dying.”

Do you know, people have spent ages in therapy dealing with what couldn’t be said elsewhere? What a missed opportunity to be real with each other.

Of course, as I mention on that web page I linked above, we have to take into account the age of the child and their ability to understand certain concepts. So we always bear that in mind. And I gave you some examples of straight answers that stick to the question.

Given all this, let’s look at the topic with regard to your child’s fear of themselves not existing any more. In other words, how to understand “I’m scared of dying.”

Understanding where your child’s fear of death has sprung from

When they say this sort of thing, have a look at their recent behviour and what’s been going on in their lives just recently.

  • Have they become more clingy recently?
  • Are they refusing to go and do things they used to enjoy?
  • Are they having nightmares?
  • Is there persistent questioning around life and death and change?
  • Has a relative, sibling or friend died – or is seriously ill?
  • Has there been an accident involving someone at their school?
  • Are you all talking openly of war and climate change?

This is the kind of background exploration you do to understand how to respond to your child when they say words to the effect of “I’m scared of dying.”

Practical examples of what you might say to a child who's scared of dying 

No one can tell you what to say in exact words, but many of us feel reassured if we can grasp the concept as doable. Then we can adapt it at the time we need it. So here are a couple of examples.

You may have to take into account your own beliefs about what happens after death. But what’s important is to face up to what your child is saying.

EXAMPLES

Child: “Aunt Jen died. Am I going to die? I’m scared.”

You: “It's very sad Aunt Jen died. It does feel a bit scary, doesn’t it? But remember, although we all die one day, Aunt Jen was quite old and not very well. She won’t feel any pain now. No one feels pain after they die.”

See how this works? You don’t turn away from the topic. You empathise. You give reasons, while not denying we all die. And there’s comfort in knowing no one feels pain when they’re dead.

According to the age of your child, they may pick up on any of those points. If they pick up on everyone dying, or them dying, the conversation goes to flowers and butterflies or whatever is appropriate about the natural world. But that while it's part of life, they themselves won’t die yet.

If it goes to “pain while actually dying”, you veer towards doctors and medicine relieving discomfort. Age-appropriately, of course! 

Take it wherever it goes. Because buried worries grow bigger.

Another example...

Child: “I’m scare of dying.”

You: “Thinking about death is scary, I agree. Remember my job is to keep you safe while you grow up, and we can talk about anything that worries you from one birthday to the next to the next until you’re really old! What made you think of that just now?”

What happened here? You empathised, again. You provided security that your child always needs, and you introduced a little humour explaining about their future growing up. And you didn’t ignore their question at the end but gave them an opportunity to be heard.

Strategies to help your child with existential fears

That sounds rather posh, but being worried about the day you stop existing is, in effect, an existential fear. And right from birth, you child has been designed to ensure you help it survive.

Crying, making faces, talking, doing as they’re told, running back for assurance after exploring… it’s all about survival till they can do it on their own!

So the obvious answer is to help them find their feet and grow their confidence in little steps month by month.

In readiness for any “I’m scared of dying” kind of talk, that means 

  • open communication, 
  • age-appropriate answers and explanations, 
  • a thorough grounding in the natural world so they instinctively understand the cycle of life, and
  • self-calming techniques they can employ, thankfulness, generosity etc.

We’re all scared of dying in one way or another – whether we admit it or not. It's the unknown! Else why do we tell friends how we’d prefer to “go”? Why do we say “passing”, “pop my clogs” or “losing someone”? Isn’t that fear talking?

What would help us most in our fear of dying? Probably freedom to speak those fears, talk about death, and find courage to accept being finite humans who will certainly die one day! Just as we’re advising for our children. Go for it?

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