When Relationship Anxiety Drives Us Nuts

Two children fighting to illustrate relationship anxiety

We’ll be setting up the bird self-service platform outside the kitchen window soon!

It’s amazing watching birds on the feeder in colder months. They arrive in batches looking for all the world like nothing could shatter their familial bond.

And then wham! One alights on one side, another tries to feed at the other, a third takes to the top – and war breaks out. They pounce and dart at each other to keep the whole feeder to themselves. And of course, no one gets any nuts at all! Relationship anxiety in a nutshell (sorry)!

Remind you of anyone in your family?? Desperate to belong, equally desperate to be “the only one”?

We’re wired for relationship – anxiety, danger and threat drive us together to seek support like nothing else. Makes us remember our priorities as a species. If you want to read about the primitive anxious brain and the baobab tree, see here!

But I think the bird feeder example shows us just how much relationship anxiety can take over and drive our behaviour occasionally. 

How does this come about?

The relationship-anxiety link

There’s lots of proof that early experiences dictate how children view or expect relationships to pan out. 

You’ll have heard about different attachment types (this is a super link with visuals), and that holds true in general – although many of us learn to adjust as we get older and experience more relationships.

But the fact remains, healthy relationship starts with responsive coos from a main carer and dictates how secure we feel with others. How much less anxiety is involved, in general, when this is in place consistently.

What goes wrong?

Well the pecking order, for a start!

Just as eggs hatch in the order they’re laid in the nest, our children can’t avoid being first, second or third.

I can’t ask those birds on the feeder which of them hatched first and then observe their behaviour! But endless research points to birth order affecting sibling relationships and marriage relationships. Who’s in charge? Who is better? Who knows more? Who cares about me, even?

Where does relationship anxiety go next after early experiences and pecking order?

1 The primary school stage

Latency needs

I felt the tension on the bird feeder. You may have felt it in classrooms or social gatherings.

I remember girls turning up in pairs at lunchtime therapy drop-ins – and the pair was always any two out of a group of three friends. 

What was the problem?

Something had been said or done that had thrown into the mix a stone of anxiety about whether they were all still "best friends forever". 

If this isn’t a demo of relationship anxiety, I’ll eat my hat. Always, we want to know if we’re still in, still OK, still have friends, still matter.

And after the traumas (or not) of early childhood and birth order, primary school is the next stage where relationships and anxieties kick in – the “latency” period. That’s between ages 5 and 12 when they all go off to school, take more note of the teacher than of parents(!) and friendships become super important.

Boys tackle it better, I often think. They go off and play footie together, where the whole team matters and anyone who contributes counts. The problem is then with the non-football-fan boy. They can have relationship anxieties too because they’re not taking part. Do they still count? Will they be invited to the next get-together?

(With more girls playing football these days, they might do well to start playtime footie sessions!)

Regression

We get the same kind of result when a primary school child is upset, poorly or unhappy. They get anxious about relationship. They regress to earlier behaviours:

  • irritability,
  • stomachaches,
  • acting out etc.

Or seek a previous style of relationship:

  • wanting more comforting,
  • refusing to do things for themselves that they can do perfectly well
  • talking babyishly
  • pretending not to understand etc.

2 Secondary school stage

Here you have the sex thing kicking in: the maturing, which they may not feel happy with or not know how to cope with.

Relationship anxiety is common in many guises at this age:

  • Giggling or shouting when around friends they used to simply play with!
  • Covering up bodies in loose clothing to disguise breasts or erections (yes, I do plain talk as a therapist!).
  • Refusing to discuss or consider other options with parents because they’re anxiously unsure about their view and need to hold it tightly.
  • Joining gangs or friendship groups that may be unwise – but anything is better than relationship anxiety, they think.
  • Taking to a mission or cause with all the interest and time they have, because it provides a nerve centre and purpose (albeit totally justified) and ready-made friends who hold the same views. Note, I’m not saying it’s bad. It just “is”.

What doesn’t work for relationship anxiety?

I’ll be brief because we all know the answer! Here’s just a reminder:

  • separating them from friends as a punishment when things get sparky, 
  • naughty step for a time-out,
  • sending them to their room,
  • not speaking to them to show our annoyance, or
  • shouting disparagement at their “deaf” ears.

Why do these strategies fail for any behaviour driven by relationship anxiety?

Because they all isolate the child or young person just when they need relationship most.

So what can be done more positively?

What does work for remedying relationship anxiety?

Well, I’m hardly the epitome of great parenting, as I made many mistakes along the way. But over the years, I’ve become wiser like we all do!

So here are some suggestions:

1 Calm the situation in whatever way is most appropriate for your child, tweeny or teen. I did try talking to the finches but they didn’t like interference! Your child won’t too, but persevere!

2 Keep on their level physically and verbally – nothing authoritarian except for safety.

3 Restore the relationship without trying to solve the trigger problem for the moment. This includes your relationship with them as much as the relationship between two children. Until calm and relating is reset, no one hears words about solutions!

4 In due course, help them with social skills – and also with learning how to be confident in any relationship by being who they are, uniquely. This is a long-term strategy of course. 

5 Demonstrate in your life the hardest thing of all: admitting what we did to contribute to a situation – and being truly sorry. Not just parroting the "sorry" words like we sometimes tell our children to! Humility and being willing to be wrong is a lifelong task but worth it.

It removes the anxiety from relationships because everyone knows they can be restored.

And the birds?

Of course we did the wrong thing with the birds. We hung up another feeder so they could go it alone! But then again, they’re only birds with bird-sized brains. I didn’t have the energy to try to sort out avian relationship anxiety! 

But children? They’re worth it. Give it a go?

You might like these