Presents or Presence: Where Love and Anxiety Meet

pile of presents and aa mother and child to illustrate presents or presence

What is it about someone being there? Why does it matter if we feel we weren’t important enough to receive a present? What’s the connection between someone’s presence and someone’s presents? And does it matter anyway?!

I think there’s a lot of anxiety around the topic these days. And it's a complex dynamic with lots of ramifications.

That's probably because 

1 We're more dispersed as families and friends, but still want connection. If there's a train or plane, they'll come. If they don't, something's wrong.

And 

2 We’ve got used to having bigger and better presents that also prove someone really gets us. If it's available, they'll buy it for us. If they don't, something's wrong! 

There's a lot today that can go wrong here! Presence, presents,  anxiety... Do they have anything to do with proof of love?

So let’s take a closer look at the whole topic. We’ll start with the two Ps.

Why are we thinking about presence and presents?

This thought arose in my mind after re-watching the very first episode of the first season of Our Yorkshire Farm on Channel 5.

And also after reading about how one of the leads, Amanda Owen (the "Yorkshire Shepherdess"), confirmed on social this summer that she and her husband Clive (also a shepherd) had split.

Viewers had suspected it, but this was confirmation.

And they have nine children! Big family – in the spotlight – and big decision. But no more far-reaching in real terms than the same decision many families come to when enough is enough.

Here’s two things that stood out from my rewatch:

1 How Amanda and Clive said they dealt with presents at Christmas that first TV year (but not their first together). Farming isn't a huge earner, so they chose very carefully one gift per child exactly suited to their interests.

2 They also said something to the effect of: “They have us and each other and a good life. They don’t need lots of presents.”

Obviously, five years on, this is somewhat ironic now they've split – although they’re co-parenting and still jointly running the farm from nearby houses.

Anyway, let’s move on to other families who have the same conundrum going forward: 

  • Does our presence there all the time matter for their wellbeing? 
  • How much do presents for the children matter going forward? 
  • Where does love come into it?
  • How is it making us (and the children) anxious?

When presence matters: how absence damages a child

Obviously there are absences for all sorts of reasons:

  • One parent lives abroad now
  • One parent has died
  • A parent is in prison or into drugs and is not able to be regular
  • A parent is banned from seeing their child for some reason

In an age of smartphones, FaceTime and Skype, WhatsApp and Google Hangouts, there’s little excuse to not speak virtually. But I think we all realised in the pandemic that virtual communication was hardly the best way to stay in touch!

There’s just something special about someone you love being in the same room and available.

For instance, I’ve had children tell me:

  • “Yeah, he sent a card but he didn't come.”
  • “Mum said she'd give up drink on my birthday but she didn't, so she couldn’t drive over.”
  • “They both said they’d come. My foster mum made a birthday cake. They just didn’t bother.”
  • “He sent a present, but I want to hug him.” 

You can almost hear the damage the child hasn’t verbalised. 

  • Being forgotten, “I don’t matter as much as X.”
  • An adult breaking a promise, “I trusted them and they didn’t do it.”
  • Being treated like a thing, “I’m just a name on a list to them.”

It’s hardly rocket science to see that a child in this position learns to distrust adults, feels worthless, and become more self-sufficient than is good for their mental health.

A loved one's presence is health-giving.

Anyway, let’s move on for a moment from "being there" to the thorny issue of "present giving", whether you live in the same house or not.

This issue is definitely going to raise it’s head again as the festive season approaches amid so much economic squeezing of income.

When presents/gifts matter: and how "no present" seems to mean "no love"

It’s so easy, as parents, to have become caught up in the “more and more presents” business these days, isn’t it!

Either the quantity of presents or the checkable cost of what you've spent has become some kind of proof as to whether we love someone. 

However, our children maybe don’t value cost so much as having the thing all their friends are getting.

It’s totally understandable that if everyone else has the latest awesome present, a child will feel they’re being deprived if they don't. And their friends may well view them as having rubbish parents! No kid likes parents to be criticised. We're idols!

The possible outcome for parents faced with a limited-resources-to-spare problem could be to give lots of smaller gifts because they cannot afford “the one”.

However, it's almost inevitable they’ll be really upset when their children don't appreciate the gesture. End result? No one is happy!

It’s really hard for a child to understand that a parent still loves them even when they can't provide an expensive gift.

Inability to understand the situation also leads to anxiety and feeling unloved. It's not true, but it is how they can feel. We're in a very competitive world now – but being seen to be different from peers has always stung.

Where does anxiety come into it?

It’s natural that your child will worry because 

  • they know they will not get that gift, and 
  • they face humiliation back at school for not having it

Ad we said, this situation might say to them (according to their age and understanding) that you don’t love them enough to protect them from this awful result.

It’s equally natural that right now you might be consumed with anxiety about

  • paying energy bills,
  • inflationary food prices and
  • the need to show your love by giving the right present your child craves.

Unfortunately, this worry saps your energy daily as the time approaches to make decisions! Of course you love your child. But your child isn’t the only person needing a present from you in the festive season. The list of recipients is humungous.

Worse again, supposing it's you who's involved in making sure someone important to your child does call in or make contact or remember your child? You feel anxiety for your child in case the person lets them down.

Or maybe it’s you who’s the separated parent? You might be worrying: will you cause more trouble by visiting than it’s worth? Is it better to keep the status quo and stay away? How can you show you love your separated child and haven't forgotten them?

How can we square the matter of presents and presence? Of love and anxiety?

This isn’t going to sound terribly helpful initially, and that's why the thoughts are in this blog post and not on one of my web pages! 

But here are two suggestions. One for now and the other for “always”.

Let’s look at “always” first.

What impressed me most with that Yorkshire Farm mayhem (yes, with nine kids it’s mayhem!) is the maxim they lived by – that they had enough in life to be happy.

Their values were (and had been since they got together all those years before we "met" them on TV) that the children should get used to basics and loving relationships more than to presents and getting what they want. Farm life is a lesson in hard work and fun, and they cheerfully helped on the farm however young they were. 

I’ve always been in favour of living within our means (we had to when ours were little!) and our children never had everything. Certainly no expensive presents even by standards back then.

That's because they had rich friends at school – we could never have competed with them! So we explained how things were and stuck by it. We're still on speaking terms! 

And presence – or your being there reliably – is part of growing up healthily. Children can learn early on that you will be there for them and that adults will do as they say they will. It does away with so much anxiety. 

But the bonus is that they can then recognise when a rogue adult is the problem and not blame themselves. Tick for self-esteem.

Yes, that's simplified, but I'm talking about over time. There will obviously be some hurts along the way, but also resilience – a bounce-back-ability.

But what about “now”?

This year is going to be a crunch for affordability. In fact some “super presents” will also be missing from shop shelves, as there are supply chain problems all over the world. So, we're going to have a bit of explaining and support to do. How about some of these?

  • You can explain about this global situation if your child can understand – ie prepare them for not necessarily having the thing they want.
  • Maybe you can tell them in advance they will have one gift, not several. This manages expectations.
  • You can make much of the fact that a gift is actually something you don’t expect, and it's from someone who loves you, so it’s lovely to have a surprise.
  • Maybe you can arrange with other parents that you will all rein in the gift-giving to limit expenses.

You'll come up with better ideas to suit your circumstances.

And for anyone who needs convincing (I know you don't really!), this short article in Psychology Today is not only super readable but has some VERY interesting additions to my thoughts on the effects of too many presents!

But overall…

Being there, not being there, giving presents or making token offerings – it's all very much harder to sort out now the world is so used to having a bonanza of present-giving whenever possible.

So I wouldn’t dream of telling you how to handle it. These are only suggestions to help you think!

However, one thing is certain. Anxiety has become the latest "pandemic" and it’s doing none of us any good.

That means finding a way to deal with presents and presence, with real love to counter anxiety. Especially as the festive madness at the end of the year approaches!

One sure way of dealing with it is to always nurture your presence together as a family – being together and loving each other rather than emphasising things.

You cannot answer for the absent person, if there is one, or the lack of presence or presents from them – but you can make the sense of unity and joyful preparation the centrepiece of your home this festive season, and always. Give it a go?

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