Helicopter or Hummingbird Parenting: Should You Hover or Flit?

blog66 hummingbird parenting

I watched as a young mum hovered around the climbing frame, keeping an eye as her child who hung precariously, wobbled, nearly fell, then finally reached the slide, tumbled down it – and nearly fell over the edge at the last minute! That's hummingbird parenting in a nutshell.

I've no idea how she managed to keep calm and be supportive in her attention while not screaming at the child to be careful or stop!

But being flippant for a moment... it's possible the fully helicopter parent might have checked the child's skills first, measured up the apparatus for suitability and checked the ground was made of official soft-landing material – before letting them climb!

You probably agree with me that the best parenting lies somewhere in between, for the sake of the mental health of children!

First, though, what are these two terms in practice?

Hummingbird parenting vs helicopter parenting

Hummingbird parents essentially bear in mind the need for their children to take reasonable risks and learn from errors what their limits are. They need to be free to explore and also operate in discovery mode more than in defend mode. 

So although they're in attendance (as with our opening example) or flitting in and out keeping an eye, they're not smothering but providing the secure base that allows children to thrive.

It's not the answer all the time. We know that children also thrive in a more structured environment. But is helicopter parenting the same as providing a structured environment?

"Structure" is the key word here.

1. Structure doesn't necessarily mean intervening, forbidding, overseeing, micromanaging and all the other "ings" you can think of that helicoptering can imply. Both stem from love and concern but they're not synonymous.

2. Structure doesn't necessarily mean "strict", either. It can mean having some routines around which to build a stable life.

But it's also proven that children brought up in a overly structured environment can lack the ability to make their own decisions, feel they have no choices, and suffer from low self-esteem and anxiety.

You can see how structure can easily transmute into helicoptering.

So – how can we reconcile the two parenting styles in the interests of healthy children?

Striking the balance between helicopter and hummingbird parenting

Is this perhaps a developmental thing? After all, very young children need much more interventionist support, while tweenies need to build on their autonomy and flex it, gradually, more and more, during adolescence. They'd never leave home otherwise!

In therapy sessions, I've been faced with a child who simply has no idea how to choose something to play with or do. More than once, I've been told: "You choose." This can stem from a need to please and a few other things as well.

But I've also seen children who know exactly what they will enjoy doing and make that decision pretty quickly. Probably no one has been pre-empting their choosing day after day. Or (again) maybe they just found a taste of freedom in my room!

These are just illustrations. I can't prove anything from what I see in therapy because every child is unique. It's just a comment.

And because of this uniqueness, parents will hopefully use a balance of both strategies – helping and leaving free – as they see fit for their own child. 

After all, there's research that shows a structured environment helps toddlers who're at risk of future behaviour problems genetically/temperamentally – but that this environment was not effective with temperamentally not-at-risk toddlers. And that makes sense, doesn't it?

I talked about boundaries at different ages here, if you'd like some practical guidance. And I talked around building or sculpting you child here to help you raise a non-anxious child!

But today, we're looking at these two specific parenting styles of helicoptering or hummingbird parenting because we want to help avoid the plethora of children becoming anxious and depressed.

How does this balance of helicoptering and hummingbird parenting look in practice?

It's a mix of guidance and holding back. Tricky in many fluid and urgent child-rearing situations, I admit. So let's talk "overall"...

1 Helicoptering: Offering guidance when necessary or when asked for is a great attitude to take in specific circumstances, like changing schools or visiting a public venue.

2 Hummingbirding: Holding back when you see that your child will benefit from growing their investigative or problem-solving skills – for example, when they can't fix something first time or want help doing something you know perfectly well they can do for themselves!

This is going to change every hour for sure! But parenting was never straight forward!

My opinion is that a mix of helicopter and hummingbird parenting styles made with knowledge of what's actually happening is always going to make for the best chance your child has of avoiding a visit to a therapist for over-anxiety issues.

And the funny thing is, there's going to be a book published in March 2025 called "Lighthouse Parenting". The author, paediatrician Kenneth Ginsburg, coined the phrase a decade ago in a different book – but here's the thing: it refers to a balance of parenting styles! Like we've been discussing. 

Ginsburg says: "Part of it is you look into the waves and trust that your child will be able to ride them, but prepare them to do so."

He says that lighthouse parenting is partly authoritative but not authoritarian. That's the significant difference, of course.

And more recently, an American head of school in Washington, D.C., wrote about lighthouse parenting, saying that too often he's seen parents overfunctioning [love that phrase!] and depriving their kid of the confidence they could gain by struggling and persevering. 

So, as I was saying(!), it's about balancing warmth and rules, guiding but not over-controlling. Perfect. Give it a go?

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