How to Make Sure Your Child Knows They Matter

blog43 child knows they matter

It’s like a last message to someone, isn’t it! Just make sure your child knows they matter. And it also sounds such a given – “Of course they know they matter. I tell them I love them all the time!” 

But what happens after we close our lips? We go back to what we were doing. We busy ourselves in the garden while the child plays alone. We sit them in front of a device to give us time to trim our nails!

Well, maybe not those exact things, but you get the point, and it’s different for everyone. 

So I guess we should look again at how (psychologically) a child knows they matter.

And I bet, straight away, you’re second-guessing me about how I’m going to mention the usual advice:

  • Active listening when they tell us something
  • Safe space to talk about worries
  • Praising their effort not the outcome
  • Being realistic about what we expect from our child – they’re unique in what they can and can’t do
  • Making learning a hobby rather than to achieve grades
  • Not comparing them to others
  • Positive affirmations – though feedback is super useful done well
  • Encouraging resilience to show you believe in them

All those things are worthwhile and many of you will be doing all those things day by day. Wonderful. But let’s get practical. It was something else I had in mind. 

First, though, let’s get into the mind of a child who wonders if they matter...

How might a child think who wonders if they matter to you?

Here are three “overheards”!

1 “I wish I could help with dinner. Dad says the stove is too high. He said run away and play. But I could have set the table.”

 2 “Why do they always talk about grown-up stuff at meals? I have a cool story from school every day, but no one asks me anything.”

3 “They’re all so busy with their phones and screens playing games. I could teach them a game I learnt today but they never seem interested in new stuff. Just what’s on their phone.”

OK, so I asked ChatGPT for those examples in case I might be a tad biased from what I’ve picked up in the therapy room or from my own experience as a parent – or in the supermarket café!

But they make the point pretty well. 

We adults have a tendency to provide love and comfort, safe spaces and all a child’s overt needs – but perhaps fall down on letting our child know how much they matter. Which is not the same as saying “I love you” a million times a day.

How can we let a child know they matter?

1 Help them contribute to life in whatever way they can

This could well be chores done in a fun way – after all, the household doesn’t run without chores being carried out.

But it’s more than that. Maybe they want to contribute some pennies to a charity box, or give a drawing to a neighbour, or pull up some weeds.

This kind of contributing is when you can let them know “how” what they did matters to others. They won’t always understand the implications even if they’re mimicking you doing similar actions. So tell them what they did really mattered to X because Y.

2 Let them share in, and be part of, as many family activities as possible

This means hands-on activity. Not just ball games on the green when you take them out, or chores you expect of them at each appropriate age (you do, don’t you?), but constructive, creative activities as well. Things you could definitely do alone but choose to invite their help with.

Maybe you'll accidentally omit to say you could manage without them! That’s not deceit; they know it anyway. It’s simply unspoken evidence you like their help and their help matters to you.

3 Allow them to see the difference they made

The traditional example is them having helped to lay the table – they made a difference to everyone’s enjoyment. However, not many families have table meals these days!

If that’s you, look out for other ways. 

Maybe they can take the trash out on the day it’s collected. Or sort a messy drawer so things can be easier to find – try asking them which way they think would be best to sort it. Whatever they come up with, they’ll see the difference and know their thought process helped achieve it. They mattered!

Another way is to consult them about plans for holidays, or ways of getting several things done that all need doing right now, or simply asking frequently for their opinion on anything at all.

If you can’t act on their suggestion, be gentle in “wondering” how their idea might work out and if there’s an alternative they can think of. Maybe say: “How about if we tweaked that slightly and did X. Do you think that would work better?” What you’re doing is trying not to sound like the know-all parents we are – because this leaves room for our little adults to gradually grow into big, confident ones.

How will your child know they matter?

In this way, you'll find they 

  • feel confident they matter, 
  • have greater self-esteem, and 
  • feel less anxious about life in general and growing up in a turbulent world.

That only leaves the big issues to deal with that many of them do get anxious about – and we have loads of resources on this website for helping them through that. Let’s not add to their anxiety!

What matters first is that your child knows they matter. Then they’re more likely to cope with the rest of the worries that assault them. Give it a go?

A book you might like to read

blog43 never enough cover

Jennifer Breheny Wallace has written about the toxic culture our kids are inheriting from us where only achievement matters. She believes they need intrinsic self-worth that’s not contingent on external achievements. Funnily enough, children who get this actually thrive as well!

She told a media station: “When my kids come in the door, instead of asking them, ‘How’d you do on the Spanish quiz?’ – which I used to do before I wrote the book – I now ask them, ‘What did you have for lunch?’ I talk about things that have nothing to do with their achievements.”

Never Enough is worth a read, in my opinion. See what you think. I'd love to know.

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