Avoidance tactics and other anxiety non-solutions

blog44 avoidance tactics

Why are we talking about avoidance tactics? It's because when your child has been anxious or even slightly worried about something for a long time, it’s dead easy to think of it as part of your child’s personality.

It goes something like this: “He’s always nervous about the dentist.” “She’s wary around dogs and cats.” “Doing tests is her nemesis – just can’t cope.” “He won’t want to go on the ride – he’s just not happy in new situations.”

Recognise it? It’s like the child I met whose opening greeting was, “I’m ADHD.” Like they'd popped out of the womb with a label on their head.

Not that I’m saying some children are not shy, for example; that’s part of their personality, like I explained here. This is not the same as anxiety-driven behaviour.

So – when labelling goes unnoticed, spoken or not, you miss a fabulous chance to help your child overcome an anxiety-producing situation and gain the benefits of realising they can manage, that they can be powerful and competent. 

Let’s have a look at avoidance tactics. In other words, what your child’s strategies might be that perpetuate a difficulty instead of facing it and winning out.

Anxiety-perpetuating strategies 

1 Hyper-awareness

Your child may obsess over every detail related to their fears or anxieties. 

This could involve excessive concern about things as diverse as your wellbeing, or dread over attending social events like a friend's birthday gathering. 

When this happens, they tend to fixate on potential negative outcomes, constantly playing out worst-case scenarios in their mind.

Tip: Listen out for their narrative around it. Is it the same worry over and over again, like being stuck in a whirlpool? That’s hyper-awareness, ignoring anything else in the situation.

2 Reliance on Comfort Measures

Your child might constantly seek your validation or need you nearby.

Or perhaps they always need a "special" item for good luck with them, or demand that a certain individual must accompany them during specific activities or visits to certain places.

Tip: Watch out for this kind of specific insistence: the same person, the same artefact. It produces a rigid boundary that can become very difficult to break down if you let it gain in strength.

3 Avoidance and Evasion

Your child habitually steers clear of situations that trigger their anxiety. 

The issue here is that they never get the chance to learn that they can cope with – or at least endure – these scenarios! 

Instead, they learn an alternative lesson: that their evasion tactics are super effective in eliminating their anxiety. Wow, magic, they solved it for themselves! NOT. This approach offers only a temporary solution.

Tip: Listen out for excuses that sound legitimate but perhaps disguise avoidance!

What can you do to eradicate avoidance tactics that are damaging in the long term?

These are perfectly understandable avoidance tactics – but they’re also some of the most common anxiety non-solutions. They don’t help. They make the situation last even longer.

So it’s worth having a few ideas up your sleeve on how to encourage a resolution to whatever's causing the anxiety rather than let it continue and perhaps grow larger in the process.

Let’s take them one by one and turn them on their head.

1 Stop the Sensitization

To counteract the tendency of your child to fixate on their fears, encourage them to broaden their focus. 

Introduce activities that shift their attention away from anxiety-inducing thoughts. This could be through engaging in a new hobby, spending time in nature, or practicing mindfulness.

Or you might help distract them in more immediate ways in the actual situation. But in general, a more all-consuming distraction is good because even when they’re not in the anxiety-provoking situation, they’re likely ruminating on it unbeknown to you. 

The key therefore is to gently guide their thoughts towards more varied and positive experiences, helping them to break the cycle of constant worry and fear anticipation.

Benefit: This general approach to limiting hyper-awareness time means your child gets desensitised and learns confidence and resilience in totally different areas of life. And this can start to alter their feelings about the worrying situation.

2 Shift the Safety Behaviour with a Planned Agreement

Alter the pattern of seeking constant reassurance by establishing a structured agreement. 

Gradually reduce the frequency of reassurance or presence they require from you, replacing it with self-soothing techniques or independent coping strategies. 

For instance, you can agree that instead of seeking immediate reassurance, they first try deep breathing exercises or consult a list of affirmations. 

Benefit: This planned approach helps them build confidence in their own ability to manage anxiety independently of magic charms or the presence of you or another specific adult.

3 Escape the Avoidance with a Step-by-Step Plan

To overcome avoidance behaviour, develop a gradual exposure plan with your child. 

Start with small, manageable steps that slowly introduce them to the anxiety-provoking situation. 

If you let them help organise the ladder of steps, they will feel more in charge of their feelings. 

You can then celebrate each small victory and provide support throughout the process. 

For example, if they’re anxious about social gatherings, begin by accompanying them to a small, familiar event, gradually working up to larger or less familiar settings. 

Benefit: This step-by-step (or stepping stone) approach empowers them to face their fears at a comfortable pace for them, which reinforces their ability to cope. They did it themselves!

Avoidance tactics: begone!

It’s a shame when a child’s life is fettered not only by their anxieties (and we all have those!) but also by the cage of restrictions they place around themselves to pretend they're not anxious or they sorted it. 

They didn’t! The ideas above will be much more freeing for them. Of course, it’s a chore for you. Much easier to let it drift. But in the long term, not a solution. Give it a go?

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