Anxiety or Strengths: Which Will Win Your Child’s Mind?

Marcus Buckingham, the inspirational speaker, appeared on my radar recently, talking about identifying our strengths. I immediately thought about how either anxiety or strengths can take over your child’s mind and have an effect on how they feel about themselves. So that’s what this post is about. It’s super important children learn their own strengths a.s.a.p. Day by day.

But first, what did Marcus say?

“Teach your child how to identify their own strengths and challenge them to contribute these strengths to others.”

Wonderful advice. But as he explained in a recent tweet, so often, we’re faced with the need to fit into what everyone else thinks we should be like and do. In the anxiety or strengths battle, anxiety then starts to win.

How so?

Well, gulp! What if I’m worse than them and worse at everything they do?? What if your child hates football and loves knitting? What if you, as a parent, feel you’ve never had the chance to pursue your love of writing but had to do engineering or marketing or whatever?

It’s like a straightjacket! The kind that eventually means we simply can’t take another breath and collapse into misery.

And THAT is the source of anxiety. When we’re not fitting into the world as we feel we want to, or as others think we should, we become anxious. We’re not “ourselves”. Or your child is not being who they really are, and so we can’t cope very well.

When we feel unable to cope, we worry. It’s that simple. So we need to make sure that the anxiety or strengths battle is won by strengths!

What is the solution when anxiety or strengths are fighting for your child’s mind?

Let’s go back to what Marcus said in that tweet.

"Every day, your life is sending you clues as to who you really are and what you are meant for. Watch closely each day for your red threads, and weave them into contribution. In the weaving, you will find yourself."

Let’s take a look at the red threads in more detail.

We can look at the contribution aspect in a moment. (And of course the following thinking is entirely my idea, not Marcus’s, though I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me musing here!) 

OK, so reds can appear in various shades but they're all strengths showing up in some way or another! 

The crimson thread

I call this the “blood” one. What’s in your child’s veins? What do they just naturally take the most interest in and expend most energy on? How are they as a person?

Obviously this will change over the years as they grow up. They learn some sense, for a start (hopefully!). But seriously, ask yourself are they more into thinking things or active things, loud or quiet, peaceable or argumentative?

Remember, none of these traits is bad or good or better or worse. They can all be harnessed. And in different circumstances all are important.

But understanding the kind of blood that runs through your child means you can encourage them to notice what they like, dislike, and are more suited to. Gradually their sense of self grows stronger – you’ve noticed them, you’ve affirmed who they are without wishing them to be different. This avoids the anxiety of feeling they need to be different to gain your approval.

The poppy thread

For me this represents the passions of the moment. Poppies are gorgeous but they die away quite quickly and reappear another year. Sometimes a few metres along the verge from where they were!

Children have interests but they change with the seasons. If we can link in to those interests and encourage them – even for the few weeks the passion lasts – your child grows in self-confidence. 

Yes, they won’t be wanting to name all the countries in the world forever, but while this is their poppy thread, it’s great to pick it up and help them acknowledge their skill in that area.

Why is this important even when you know it’s a passing phase and feel like sighing??

It’s because when your child feels a bit of an authority on something and is admired for it, they feel capable. Confidence means they can tackle things they’re less confident at, simply because there's solid ground underneath them. Something they're good at. This in itself eliminates some anxiety.

The scarlet thread

Now, over the years, what happens is that things become a little more obvious as enduring interests.

Maybe your child becomes a great goalie in the local teams and moves up the system as they get older.

Maybe they play an instrument and then add another, then join a local orchestra.

Perhaps, they take part in the school Christmas play, then have parts in every summer’s show performance, until eventually they’re chosen for leading roles and join the local drama society. 

These are examples of a scarlet thread. A trajectory that may well end up deciding what they do for a career or a serious leisure activity after they leave school.

You don’t hold them to it (we parents never do that, do we?!) but you help and encourage the growth of that scarlet thread in some way. Not as a directive parent but helping your child to grab it and acknowledge what they’re clearly very interested in long term. Let them know it's OK and that you support them if they choose to pursue it.

And the contributing aspect?

Remember, all these red threads are gathered, woven together and become a resource for your child to be able to feel good.

That's means they're able to contribute to someone else’s happiness and wellbeing as well as their own. It's a great (and generous) habit to get into – and another source of pride and wellbeing. Less anxiety about themselves. More focus on others.

That’s the contribution bit in a nutshell.

We can encourage them to use their strengths when we see an opportunity. Or help them to think how they could use their strengths to help someone else.

It doesn't have to be huge. It could be:

  • taking some flowers to a neighbour
  • saying hello with a big smile to people they pass
  • sending a text to a friend who's taking a test
  • offering to a turn on something in advance of it being demanded!

Which will win? Anxiety or strengths?

So, in the battle of anxiety vs strengths, I guess we should be cheering from the sidelines for our children’s strengths to become known to them – whether crimson, poppy or scarlet, so that their confidence can grow. 

It’s a bit like filling a bucket with those red threads of self-confidence so that there's simply no room for an excess of anxiety.

We all know that some anxiety helps keep us safe. But today’s children are feeling an excess.

It’s therefore super important we acknowledge where this comes from (world events) and don’t pathologise what is a natural reaction to the world’s troubles. They don't need mental health labels on top of everything else.

So I reckon what needs to happen is this:

  • Your child learns about their strengths to counteract anxiety 
  • They recognise their strengths as being an indication of who they are and feel more confident
  • They use their strengths to contribute to someone else’s life. 

In this way, your child’s strengths win the battle against anxiety in their mind.

And if it sounds a bit simplistic, maybe it is. But it’s worth considering – and a prize worth winning! I think Marcus Buckingham has inspired me. I'm going to look out for my strengths every day. How about you?

But the most important thing is to let Marcus inspire us to find the red threads in our children’s lives and acknowledge them!

TAKEAWAY>>>>

  • Help children find what they are good at and what they enjoy doing.
  • Notice three types of strengths: things they are naturally interested in, things they love at the moment, and things they enjoy for a long time.
  • Support and encourage their strengths without pushing them to be different.
  • Encourage them to use their strengths to help others and make them feel good.
  • When they focus on their strengths, they become more confident and less anxious.
  • Remember that some anxiety is normal, so we shouldn't label it as a mental health problem.
  • Nurture their strengths to create a strong defense against anxiety.
  • Let Marcus Buckingham's advice inspire us to find and celebrate the things our children are good at.

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