Pay it Forward: But, Please, Not Your Anxiety

teacher and class to illustrate pay it forward but not your anxiety

We usually think it’s great to show our kids how they can pass on a kindness after receiving one. Pay it forward is a good way to start thinking at an early age.

It’s mostly to someone else, of course, because that’s how life works. But it's modelled on what we do – vicarious learning of the positive kind!

So where does anxiety enter this generous pay-it-forward picture? Let’s backtrack and come round to the answer in a circular fashion.

Research report on anxiety: do we pay it forward?

Ever seen research scrambled up and passed around the media to make a startling point – sometimes at the expense of the whole truth?

Well, this week’s research discovery seems to have been that anxiety can be passed from parents to children. I’ll give you a link at the end, but let's start with the media portrayal and whether (and how) we should take note.

What have they been saying?

Some reporters pointed out that anxiety runs in families (scary, that!). Most reporters managed to salvage the fact that it was mums passing to daughters more than dads passing to sons. Kudos to them for adding a bit of detail. Although that gave rise to journalists seeking out mums and daughters to ask what’s happening in their household!

Some reporters added that the study authors had noted that anxiety disorders are associated with depression, underachievement, substance abuse and suicide! Parents weren’t the researchers' intended audience, of course. But they do read the media! So – another scare.

How about a bit of straight thinking here?

I’m not even going to read the original report this minute. Bad of me? Yes. But I’m going to argue the point that even a small amount of thought on the back of just the news reports can help us avoid hand-wringing guilt that our own worry is going to make our same-sex child a mental health ruin!

Here's a couple of thoughts in that direction.

Media reporting of research on anxiety: Fact 1

From my reading of four news outlets, I find that there were 398 kids in the research – with 221 mums and 237 dads. Right. How many children are there in the world?

And I see, also, they were all from Canada and had taken part in other research focused on families at risk of mood disorders.

I always have a mental query with small studies. And with select groups. The authors themselves have probably named some caveats about their study. But not all journalists bother to read those and report them! It might spoil their story!

Solution: Go find the report and read it yourself – or maybe don’t react beyond noting the principle if it seems to apply to something in your family. Above all, stay calm!

Media reporting of research on anxiety: Fact 2

The use of “disorder” and “genetics” in some of the media reports – without discussion – raises huge questions about nature (it’s almost bound to happen) versus nurture (the environment will count for a lot). And note, the results said more about mums and daughters than sons and dads. Hmm, that's interesting.

What could we glean from these facts? Well, a child has genes from both parents, so inheriting the tendency should surely apply to both sexes? Developing a disorder after years of excessive worrying might be true, yes, but genetics implies inborn and stubbornly “there”. And it probably wouldn't affect girls and mums specifically.

Solution: If you’re bothered by the implications and it seems relevant to your family, do your own wider reading. Otherwise, adopt an interested attitude and take precautions against the most obvious danger you could fall into.

Which is…

...paying it forward accidentally when you're worrying a lot about something. This is the thing we don't want to happen! I guess it leans towards "environment" and "nurture" – but if it happens, it happens to girls and boys, picked up from mums or dads equally!

So let’s move on from the media reports and see why.

Why pay it forward must not apply to anxiety!

Anxiety is often – even mostly – just picked up. In this way, if our children model themselves on the parent of any sex, they will 

  • see how we cope, 
  • note our behavioural signs of anxiety, and 
  • pick it all up as a way of managing scary things themselves.

This could be called vicarious learning – “You do it so that way, I’ll do it that way!” But, in essence, it's you that's paid it forward!

That's great when it’s keeping the kitchen tidy or taking a daily walk or turning devices off for an hour every so often. Or even – recognising you were kind to them, so they go and do something kind for someone else.

However, paying it forward is not so good when it’s anxiety. Wrong sort of passing on!

How to pay anxiety forward in the best way

We can’t avoid anxiety – that’s unreal. It's also useful in small quantities. The only alternative then is to deal with it and pay it forward in the best possible way to ensure your children learn to manage too!

So how can you do it?

1 Learn to acknowledge your worry and deal with it privately or openly.

2 Learn breathing techniques to stem the initial burst when you see a news item, spider, accident, lengthy task list, your child getting ill (take your pick!). And let your children know that controlling your breathing is how to return to calm while you think about the problem.

3 Watch out for your own problem areas or behavioural side-effects such as getting twitchy, shouting, shutting yourself away, slamming a door, refusing to listen, yelling “I can’t cope” etc. And make changes! Changing what you're thinking often works well for this. It changes how you feel and then what you do!

4 If you slip up (as we all do), apologise to your child and say there are better ways to deal with anxiety – and start doing one of them! For instance, make a list, think out loud about another way to deal with the situation, or change your focus, words or posture so the situation looks different. “Right, I'm not going to sit here worrying, let’s tidy this cupboard together while I have a think about what to do.”

5 Be open about continuing to live life normally despite the worry – to deprive it of its power. Your child will imbibe this attitude from you.

And the original question up top?

The original question I thought you might ask was: so where does anxiety come into this pay-it-forward stuff.

We have the answer now. We pay lots of good things forward. But "pay it forward" is not so good when we fail to take charge of, and manage, our own anxieties, fears and worries and pay forward  our own less-than-useful reponses to our children.

There's a huge amount of stuff to grab and worry about right now! So let’s take our anxiety and pay it forward well. Let’s teach our children how to deal with their own anxieties by

  • showing them how it can be done and
  • helping them to one day pay that knowledge forward to their own children.

This will bring huge dividends over time. Give it a go?

TAKEAWAY>>>>>

  • It's good to show our kids how to be kind to others and pass on acts of kindness (pay it forward).
  • Some research suggests that anxiety can be passed from parents to children, but let's not worry too much about it.
  • Kids learn from us by watching how we handle anxiety, so let's deal with our worries in a positive way.
  • Breathing techniques and managing our reactions can help us handle anxiety better and show our kids how to do it too.
  • If we make mistakes and show anxiety negatively, let's say sorry to our kids and teach them better ways to cope.
  • Let's live our lives normally despite worries, so our kids see that anxiety doesn't have to control us.
  • By managing our anxiety well, we can teach our children to do the same and pass on these skills to others in the future. 

And that research report?

In case you’re interested in the original research report, here are the summary Key Points. It’s really very reasonably written compared to the hype about it this week!

screengrab of key points from anxiety research paper