Watch, Wait, Breathe: Medicine For Our Anxious Children

children to illustrate each of watch, wait and breathe

I don’t usually spend time sitting round thinking up mantras – or solutions. I’m dashing round, as busy as you! Talking, browsing, texting, whatever. Or – this last few weeks – keeping track of a pair of ospreys on a wildlife camera. And that's where, suddenly, there sprang into my mind: watch, wait, breathe. I’ll explain it all here – because it relates to how we can manage our children’s anxiety!

The Woodland Trust runs a camera in the Scottish Highlands in a tree high above Loch Arkaig. It’s focused on an osprey nest! For a few years, it’s been  tracking mostly one pair (or a changing partnership) of these fascinating birds. 

This year’s pair are Dorcha and Louis! And if anyone can teach us how to breathe, calmly and patiently, while waiting and watching, Dorcha can! 

How? She produced three eggs several weeks ago. They’re now hatched. And she has sat on the nest through it all – gales, torrential rain, blazing sun, owl attacks, crow attacks – and simply watched, waited, and breathed calmly. Unless action was required. Like a good parent??

Louis has brought her and the bobs 4-6 trout a day from the nearby loch. She’s fed the bobs. She and Louis have jointly defended the nest. And she’s sat it out, breathing deeply and, well, just waiting till the bobs are ready to fledge.

What can we learn from the ospreys about watch-wait-breathe?

1 Watch

When I think about the anxious children I’ve worked with, I realised how often they don’t ever think of “watch” or “observe carefully” as a good idea in certain circumstances. Why would they? They’re children! Watch? What for?!

Well, firstly to see what happens in reality before imagining the worst. For instance:

  • To observe what everyone else in the house is doing before blaming themselves. 
  • To observe what happens in the playground when they worry no one will play with them. 
  • To watch and learn  how their friends manage to survive a party.

On the other hand, when our children do disclose an anxious thought, we can help them to start to learn to watch and see what happens. 

Or to observe what happens when they try a different thought.

Moreover, when they’re not anxious about something and they’re just fine with life, we can still encourage them to sit with us calmly – just for few minutes – and watch what happens around them. Comment to each other on what you see. 

The bonus here is that you’ll notice your child starts to breathe more slowly when they just sit and watch. You could even make it a calming session before bed. 

But the act of watching is valuable just for itself, any time, right through life.

Others have thought this too, so I claim no originality of thought after watching the ospreys! Maybe I’d already remembered William Henry Davies’ poem, Leisure, that starts:

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.

and ends:

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

2 Wait

This is simply about waiting and letting time pass. That can seem impossible to a child who’s anxious now about something. It’s particularly hard for a child suffering the bother of obsessions and compulsions – the compulsion to carry out the protective ritual is nearly insurmountable.

But guess what the solution is to many fears and worries? Wait!

Is it feasible with children??

Yes. You may remember that experiment where children were told they could have a second “something” (OK, it was actually marshmallows – I just checked!) if they waited a certain amount of time on their own without eating the first one that was placed in front of them. Takes a strong-willed child to wait it out!

So how do we help our children learn to wait?

One strategy I’ve found works well is to simply wait with your child. Sit it out with them, helping them to become calmer. Calm does return! The moment does pass.

You can then help them to start the thinking process – which is only possible when they’re calmer.

Another strategy is to do a calming activity together – colouring, tidying, listening to music, tapping a rhythm etc. 

The reason these two strategies work so well is because together is better than alone – it puts value on the activity and also means your child isn’t left alone fighting their anxious thoughts that always try to return.

And while they’re waiting out the time to become calmer, you’ll again notice they start to breathe more slowly!

See where we’re going?!

3 Breathe

Our breathing regulates all our body processes that are under our control. Agitated, shallow breathing is a result of anxiety and alarm. It puts the body into fight, flight or freeze. Only a few situations call for a grand response like this today. Most anxieties are not life threatening.

That’s why “breathe!” is such an important command. But we don’t deliver it like that to our children because it sounds bossy and invites resistance!

So how do you teach your child to breathe slowly and calmly, restoring equilibrium and balance to their body?

You can model it, for sure. Let them see you taking time out to calm down or simply relax your own breathing when you need to.

But in addition, you can teach your child some methods for slowing their breathing.

One is diaphragmatic breathing – breathing in a way that your tummy fills out and your chest doesn’t move.

Another – especially useful for younger children – is to pretend to blow out candles slowly on the fingers of each hand in turn.

Thirdly your child can learn to breathe in through their nose to a count of 2 and out slowly, with pursed lips.

I guess routinely practising calm breathing helps too!

What next and why?

So that’s watch, wait, breathe in a nutshell. Or in a nest at the top of windy tree. But why am I taking this example from an osprey?

Dorcha has had days and days of practice at just sitting, watching, waiting and breathing. And the strange truth about being with someone is that you end up doing and feeling the same.

(Think how people yawn when a colleague does! Or how watching someone happily involved in some activity lights up the watcher's brain in the same areas.)

So while I’ve been sitting for a while each day watching the webcam, I’ve kind of resonated with her bio-energetically in a positive way.

The result?

I’ve taken time out to simply 

  • watch the weather blowing a houlie, the feathers ruffling, the flies flitting around, the eyes blinking sleepily (detail, detail!)
  • wait to see the bobs have been fed enough and their crops are full (phew!)
  • breathe calmly and peacefully alongside Dorcha (till the world calls again!)

And felt a whole lot different from the rush and stress of everyday life!

That's the importance of doing the watch, wait, breathe routine with your child.

Give it a go?

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